Surviving the 7-Year Itch

I consider myself a pretty lucky man. To have captured, whom I think, is the most beautiful woman in the entire world, is almost unfathomable at times.

I have never laid eyes on anyone more beautiful to me. Famous or otherwise. Not a single one could ever hold a candle to her in my eyes.

Is she without flaws? Of course not. None of us are. But when your vision is overwhelmed by perfection, by all of the greatness, the flaws are… What flaws again?

Love is blind? No, love blinds you to the negatives. Love highlights all that is good and pure. Only hate and bitterness will highlight the negatives.

If you find yourself more focused on their flaws than their strengths, you might consider just how deep your love really is. Is it simply a surface attraction or are you deeply and madly in love?

I am so in love, all I want to do is fix the hurt, fill her with joy (no, that is not a euphemism) and give her everything she wants. If I can’t, I feel like a failure as a husband. I want everything for her.

But loving her as deeply as I do isn’t enough. There are good days and bad days in every relationship. Sometimes trying to fix something causes more unintended pain. But the key to reducing it… is communication!

Some things are difficult to talk about. Some things are downright embarrassing. And some things might even be too shameful to talk about. But if you don’t, nothing becomes resolved and the issues continue to grow.

Your partner can’t read your mind. All they can do is assume. But their assumptions won’t be based on your history and your experience. It will be based on their history and their experience.

If they have a history of being treated poorly in past relationships and you have a bad day, you could be viewed as someone who treats them poorly regardless of how well you’ve treated them in the past.

This is NOT your fault.

The blame is a domino effect of trauma. Their previous partners treated them poorly. Sure, you can blame the exes or you can realize the exes were probably mistreated themselves or raised poorly. You could blame their exes and their parents, but likely they too were traumatized and broken because of past experiences.

This is why it is so crucial to find a partner who brings out the best in you and you bring out the best in them.

There will always be triggers. Trauma will always find its way to the surface. No one is perfect. But if you bring out the best in each other, clearly communicate how you feel and truly listen, you will grow together and you will both conquer your past traumas. Your relationship will only grow stronger over time.

I have learned that these things are vital to a successful relationship. If you continue to live in the hurt of what is perceived as being done to you, that’s when good men become toxic men. That’s when good men begin to speak in ALWAYS and NEVERS.

“She’s always complaining.”

“She never listens to me.”

“She’s always treating me like I’m her personal ATM.”

“She never wants to help me.”

“We never have sex anymore.”

Are these not the most common complaints men have about their wives? And suddenly good men give up. Good men become sick of being treated with disrespect. Good men stop caring. They stray. They wander. They become deadbeats in the eyes of women. They become toxic.

Toxic masculinity wasn’t born overnight. It’s the result of generational upbringings and past traumas. And absolutely caused by both parties.

But not everyone wants to be “fixed”. Some people love to wallow in their own misery unable to escape the confines of the “poor me” mentality.

Sometimes you can try everything and it still doesn’t work out. There are 2 people in a relationship (generally) and both must be willing to make things work. They must be able to be vulnerable with each other, express themselves and listen. One-sided relationships rarely ever work out.

We have been married for over 8 years now. We’ve surpassed what many call the 7-year itch. I will admit that year 7 was difficult.

Raising my nephew with very special needs had caused me to become diagnosed with Caregivers Fatigue, Burnout and Depression. On top of that, I lost the best job I ever had because of it. And on top of that, Covid and lockdowns. My mind became very dark.

Luckily I was able to express myself, as difficult as it was at times. She listened.

She too was having a very difficult time. She too was able to express herself. And I listened.

Is our relationship perfect? Not by any stretch of the imagination. But our relationship is strong and still growing stronger.

Of course, we still clash, we still disagree. We’re different people after all. But we never go to bed angry and we always talk things out after a blowup.

Relationships are not easy. Blending a lifetime of 2 different personalities and experiences is a lot to merge together.

Be kind to each other. Bring out the best in each other. Express yourselves and listen. Take stock of the relationship early on to ensure these things and avoid future hurt. And most importantly, do not let failed relationships destroy the good men that you are.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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