As an attachment therapist, I have spent decades helping people navigate their intimate connections, both with significant others and family members. While the intention to connect is often there, our early relationship histories can get in our way, and we wind up creating distance when we least want it.
Maybe we learned that being close comes with a tab we will have to pay which inevitably creates pain for us. Maybe we learned that people are rarely responsive when we need them and have become needless and wantless to avoid stressing others causing them to leave us. It can be hard to trust others with our heart, which makes taking risks feel “high stakes.” And the truth is, risks do not always have a happy ending. The reason for trying is for your growth, not a guaranteed outcome.
I position trying new behaviors as a laboratory experiment. If we never try, we might feel safer but will not move forward in our relationships. I do recognize that love comes with obligation and risk. It also comes with joy, expansion, and opportunity. Taking emotional risks in our relationships opens the emotional landscape and we will have more depth in our experiences with others as a result.
Here are three questions you could ask yourself.
- What emotional risks could I take that would bring me a greater degree of emotional fulfillment in my life? Perhaps it feels too overwhelming to jump into emotional honesty with your significant other, but you might be willing to try to respond with more emotional honesty with co-workers or friends. For example, instead of saying, fine, when asked how you are, you might want to say something like, honestly, it was kind of a hard weekend.
- Am I avoiding certain situations because of past experience of emotional pain? We get to choose how much power we will give to past experiences in our current life. This does not mean forgetting but does mean we work toward seeing the past as historical fact. For example, once upon a time, my partner yelled at me at that restaurant. There might be a slight heart tug when I see it, but I can then choose to create NEW experiences at that restaurant and anchor myself in my current life instead of my past one.
- What kind of boundaries do I need to set in my relationships to feel safe? You may have experiences of losing yourself when you try to connect intimately with others and find yourself compromising in ways that you later regret. This may be part of the tab for connecting. This means you will need to be intentional about what your own life and the structure you need to continue to carve space for yourself as you deepen your relationship. For example, you continue your Pilates class even though you are getting closer to someone. You continue your recovery meeting schedule, or your coursework. You add others in your life. You do not replace your life with others.
As you work your way through considering the risks you are willing to take, I would encourage you to remember that having a sense of plenty of time, of relationship abundance will help. When you start to get into scarcity thinking, I need to make this work or I will die alone under a bridge, you will abandon yourself or plan for the bridge.
In fact, life is largely an experiment. We don’t get a manual coming in, and most of it is out of our control, including responses from other people. We get to control what we offer, not what others accept. Remember, as you feel seen and heard your heart connects.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
