Tears

Tears are not cool. Do you remember being told as a boy, “Grown men don’t cry?” And old-fashioned adult men didn’t. Crying is seen by many as weakness. It shows vulnerability. Not wanting to be a “crybaby,” we stoically held back and pushed down healthy but painful emotions that demanded to be released. Tears are at the center of many of those emotions, yet we were warned not to express them. If we did cry, we certainly didn’t do so in public. How many pillows have been soaked by boys and men who waited until they were alone before they could weep?

The water of tears is cleansing. It has the ability to begin the process of washing away the sadness of a broken heart, the tension of frustration, the sting of physical pain, the unbearable grief of loss. Without the ability to express these intense feelings, we suppress them, internalize them, dull them with alcohol and drugs. We can go for a walk, work out at the gym, or watch TV with a beer in our hands, but that won’t do it. Our unwept tears will take their toll on our body’s health, our mind’s health, the health of our relationships, or even our very life. Suicide is among the leading cause of death for men, and males are three to four times more likely than women to kill themselves. I suspect many of the men who commit suicide do so because of unwept tears.

Tears can heal. I’ll never forget the moment that the divorce from my second wife became final. Sitting in my car in the parking lot of the government offices, holding the final dissolution papers in my hand, I experienced the deepest grief I had ever known. The end of years of love and pain, joy and bitterness, irrevocably documented by the legal document in my hands. The finality made real in black and white. My hope for a loving, lasting marriage dashed forever.

The dam broke. Deep sobs racked my body. A lifetime of held-back tears flowed from my eyes and down my cheeks. I wailed from a deep, animal part I never knew I had within me. After a few minutes, the tears began to abate. There was a clearing, like the sun emerging from behind a cloud. I took a breath and felt lighter, as if a weight had been lifted. The tears helped to cleanse the sadness I had been holding and began to allow an opening for the next phase of my life to begin.