The 2 Most Underrated Reasons Breakups Hurt

My angry imaginary beta-reader told me this when I finished this article:

“Bro, I don’t care why my broken arm hurts. It’s fucking broken! That’s why!

What I care about is how to heal it. How to make this pain go away. How to make sure I don’t break it again.”

But I told him to read it first. There are things in life that you can’t heal from unless you understand why they exist. And sometimes heartbreaks are one of them.

I am surprised he believed me. So he did read it.

I’ll leave his thoughts at the end of this article. See if you agree or not.

#1 You lost a part of your future.

When you lose a relationship you regard as important, you automatically lose the future version of that relationship.

And it doesn’t matter if you intentionally planned for that “future version” or not — you’ll still experience its loss.

Even it it was an abusive relationship, you’ll lose the potential you were desperatley holding on to and the familiraity.

It’s the same way we grieve people who have left this earth.

One moment they’re here and we know we can be around them and talk to them. The other moment, they’re gone.

It means that you won’t see them tomorrow. You won’t come home after a long day to tell them all about it. And they won’t be able to make it to your wedding or graduation.

Those are all future events that won’t happen that could’ve (and should’ve) happened. And you lost them. So, yeah, the loss is not only about the past. It’s about the future, and I believe it sometimes hurts more than the past.

Take the same concept and apply it to breakups and loss of relationships.

I’m not saying this is the only thing that will hurt when you lose someone, but it’s something most people aren’t aware of. And, again, it can be useful to exactly know the thing that hurts you.

Some people have very low self-esteem. Their entire character is wrapped up around that particular relationship they lost.

So, after losing it, they see no future for themselves. All their future is built on that relationship, and now it’s gone. There’s nothing to look for or to aim at.

If that’s you, a huge part of your recovery process, which is possible, has to be about building a stronger identity and sense of self.

I am not asking you to be a lone wolf, but come on, you know what I am talking about! It’s time to develop some independence and build a stronger relationship with yourself.

It’s time to look forward to a future that’s based on better goals.

But all of us will experience a loss of a part of our future, regardless of our “self-esteem.” And it sucks. It will hurt. There you go, I told you.

Now, the past won’t leave you alone. It’s a ruthless monster as well. Let’s talk about it.

#2 You need to rearrange your past.

“What the hell happened?”

A part of you will likely bug the shit out of you with this question. Especially if the relationship ended on bad terms (betrayal, abusive relationship, …etc).

You are now wounded. What wounded you is the past, covered under thousands (if not millions) of daily interactions. Your stupid mind would want to unpack all of them, which is unrealistic.

But really, in the end, all it wants is a resolution. It wants to make sense of what happened.

In other words, a part of your past no longer makes sense. It is shattered and incoherent. It makes your present and future uncertain.

This is especially true if the other person betrayed or hurt you in an incalculable way.

Was it you? Was it them? If it was them, how come you couldn’t see it? And if you did see it, how come you stayed? Are you a bad judge of a human’s character? Are you a bad partner? What are the possibilities of getting hurt like this again?

Those questions only scratch the surface. You’ll likely have specific questions about specific details.

That time he told me they had to work until the morning, was it true? And that time she mocked me for expressing my concerns? What did it mean?

It is exhausting. And you have to be careful. There is a fine line between learning from the past and dwelling on it.

First of all, don’t indulge in this too soon. If the breakup is fresh, don’t do it now. You are wounded, so treat yourself as such. Doing this will keep the wound wide open.

Once the wound starts closing off, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.

Most of these questions can answer themselves with time or cease to matter. If that’s the case, great. But if you now have even more questions, and just thinking about them brings you emotional pain, it’s time to unpack them.

It’s going to be painful. And it’s different for everybody.

Some people talk it out with a friend. Some people write and read (like myself). Some people have to go to therapy. Some people have to undergo serious life changes to be able to answer these questions.

But the point is that you cannot move forward with a cluttered past. It will haunt you. And worse of all, it will take your future (and maybe even your present) as a hostage.

This is probably the main reason breakups hurt. And once you handle it, you will be relieved and finally feel lighter.

Remember my imaginary beta-reader?

I don’t have any. I lied. “Imaginary” was just a way to make myself feel less guilty.

But here’s the thing.

Don’t listen to the voices inside your head after breakups, especially the loud ones.

Hopefully, by now, you understand that these voices are clueless. They don’t know what they’re talking about.

They’re in pain because the future and the past are screwed up. They’re panicking.

So, give yourself time first. These 2 reasons mentioned in this article will hurt you, no matter what you do, for a certain period of time. Accept that.

Then, at a certain point, you need to start working on your future and past. This is where the real healing is.

Don’t dwell on the past. Create a vision for your future, and look forward to a relationship that fulfills you.

And if that’s too difficult to do, you probably need to go back to the past, find the darkest cage, enter it, kill the dragon you find there, get the gold it’s hoarding (because that’s the only place you’ll find it), and come back well-equipped to create a future that you’re proud of.

Damn, this is a golden rule for life in general, not just relationships. Go and do it.

…

I hope this was helpful

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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