I’ve always believed when it comes to parenting, the first and best gift parents give their children, is LIFE. After that, at some point they take responsibility for themselves and the variables that show up.
The second best gift is the one of knowledge. The kind that brings with it peace of mind, and alleviates fear, guilt and remorse. It will equip them with an ability to sit across from a table with professionals like me, with less of a dazed, powerless look in their eyes. It will allow them to breathe through the minefield of conflicted emotions that will rise up and will help lesson the likelihood of conflicts between their siblings.
THAT…is a gift, it’s also a legacy they can one day give their children, your grandchildren. Because you would have taught them, this too is what it looks like for parents to set their children up for success as best they can…before they leave this earth.
In my personal life I’ve sat in just about every chair possible of the family caregiving roles, some hands on some not. In my professional life the same is true. Being a professionally trained Caregiver, Patient Advocate, then Health Navigator, who specializes in finding resources and meeting needs of family caregivers I can attest to one thing.
Nothing is as painful as watching an adult child wanting and attempting to assist with a parents wishes when they are clueless or have been only spoon fed information that simply isn’t enough to go on. Watching them trying to reconcile the practical needs being asked of them, along with the emotional side that starts to rise, all along looking in your eyes wondering are they disappointing you completely. You will always look upon them as your child but when they sit in front of us, for various needs, we are expecting them to know more than general ideas.
They know you want to stay home as long as possible and for most part want that too. They will be moving heaven and earth to make that happen. What we need to know are things like, did they plan for this? Meaning where is the insurance, or finances to make that happen? Is there someone there in the home to fill in the gaps of time that a Home Health Agency won’t, post surgeries? Is the place safe?
They know you are fiercely independent and have always done things your way and are capable of still choosing for yourself. What we need to know (as example) is now that you are showing some limitations, aren’t driving as well, and it’s become unsafe for you to continue driving. Aren’t eating as well and it’s affecting your disease process, how will this be addressed and who will be addressing this? Because sometimes you may choose something that isn’t safe in the our definition.
Often the most wind knocked out of them piece is when they’re attempting to move heaven and earth on your behalf, still doubting they’re helping you at all. Questions come up of who has the POA (Power of Attorney) for healthcare and how bout the financial? Is their name anywhere on The Release of Medical Information. This is when your choice (understandably knowing each child as you do) to give some info and power to choose to one and some to another comes to light. It’s not the choice, of course it’s your right. It’s the did you tell them about it early on so that shock isn’t played out in front of us? A lot of times I see the one willing to do the leg work isn’t the one equipped with the necessary paperwork to make that happen. Enter the “mom/dad trusted you more, mom/dad always liked you best, mom/dad gave you the power you deal with it then” dynamics that never result in anything remotely close to keeping the sibling bond in tact.
Knowledge of what you want, the ability to facilitate this requires “before it’s needed” kind of knowledge that is only given by having uncomfortable conversations. We don’t like to think of ourselves as aging let alone leaving our children. Yet leave we do. Is it possible that a final gift can be to teach them what they too can give their children?
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Photo: istock
