Last weekend, I went to a bar with my best friend, Linda.
Recently, Linda ended her relationship, and she’s still figuring out how to adjust to the new routine. So I thought going to a bar and having an honest girl-talk would help. We arrived early and ordered a couple of drinks to start the night.
Everything looked alright. We had a friendly conversation, good drinks, and not a care in the world. The place was amazing: nice atmosphere, pleasant music, and good-looking people. It was a perfect evening.
Until two guys approached us.
They were around our age and quite handsome. You know, the type of guy who is hot and knows it. This type usually acts way too confidently and behaves like a douchebag. Unfortunately, those guys reinforced the stereotype.
They offered to pay for our drinks and mentioned how gorgeous we looked.
It sounds harmless, right? However, it felt uncomfortable. Although it sounds like a nice gesture, that compliment came across as invasive. I’m sure this is not the outcome the guys expected — I don’t think they meant to create an awkward situation.
But the truth is: compliments have the right time and place.
The guys quickly understood the scenario and left us alone. Then, Linda and I started developing our theories. What went wrong with their approach? What makes a good compliment? What creates those uncomfortable situations?
After more drinks, we created the three rules for successful compliments:
Don’t be demanding.
When you compliment a woman, don’t expect anything in return.
Many times, men make a compliment with a secret agenda. It’s usually an opener to hit on a woman — and he expects her to reciprocate. Another example of demanding is when a man expects to have her phone number.
Nobody owes you anything because you complimented them.
When the guys complimented us, they clearly had other expectations. They wanted to join us at our table and get to know us. Although these expectations are not outrageous, they made the guys look demanding. Even worse: if we had accepted the drinks, Linda and I would feel like we owe them something.
So the compliments didn’t feel genuine.
Instead, be generous. When you compliment her, do it because you want her to feel good. This way, the compliment will be more honest — and more effective.
Ask yourself: why am I making this compliment? And remember: nobody owes you anything because you were kind.
Read her body language.
Before making a move, take some time to observe the woman.
How is her body language? Is she smiling? Does she make eye contact? Does she look comfortable? How is she behaving overall?
We tend to be highly transparent about our emotions. You can tell a lot about how a person feels by observing for a few seconds. And this strategy will tell you how receptive the woman is to receive a compliment.
We weren’t interested in anyone there — Linda was still recovering, and I am in a serious relationship. On the contrary, we were looking for an evening at a nice place to talk about these issues.
So we weren’t open to flirting.
And I’m sure this showed in our body language. We were mainly talking to each other and focusing our attention on the conversation. Although we were having a good time, we didn’t send any flirtatious signals. If the guys had been more perceptive, they could’ve spared us the awkward moment.
Before you compliment a woman, take some time to analyze the scenario and her body language. You don’t have to become an expert — a simple observation should already tell you enough.
Be friendly.
Many men come across as hostile when complimenting women.
This scenario usually happens when it’s a random guy hitting on a girl. Although a compliment is an ice-breaker, depending on what you compliment, it can sound aggressive.
In our situation, the guys complimented our looks straight away. The message that we received was: “they are interested in something more.”
Instead of complimenting first, start with a meaningful conversation. Try to find a common hobby to create a connection. Once you establish a connection with her, you’ve already created a friendly vibe — and she’s more receptive to the compliment.
This way, you’re not a random guy who hit on her; you put in the effort to be friendly.
Besides, you find something more meaningful to compliment — other than the looks. You can compliment how smart she is, the smile, or a personality trait. Overall, when the compliment is genuine, and you don’t have a second agenda, you come across as more friendly.
Everyone likes to receive compliments. However, it has to be done in the right way. Complimenting is the art of reading the scenario, being kind, and not expecting anything in return.
In the end, it was not a big deal — the guys left quickly and didn’t harm us. It was just an awkward situation. But if you want a different outcome, these three rules can help you: don’t be demanding, read her body language, and be friendly.
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Previously Published on medium
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