Can you think of a pattern that you used to follow every day? Think of something you did that didn’t change for years.
As you grow, you realize that routine has changed over time. You might do a subtask differently, but you want to reach the same outcome.
What often happens is we get to a point where we realize that what we knew was wrong. A piece of our process was off, even tho it might have felt good.
I use this example to explain human behaviors.
We have processes that have recurred so many times over it has become second nature, and it feels like a positive base setting.
Hopefully, we realize that what we know is wrong.
When I write articles, I focus on attachment style and how we can break down behaviors and produce a new understanding and positive behaviors.
I understand if you are on the other end and have a partner who hasn’t cut the cycle. It can be frustrating. These articles are for you also.
Disclaimer: I don’t write for people who want to bypass the work to reach the mountaintop. Converting to a secure attachment style takes months to years to complete.
Step 1: Acknowledging your dismissive avoidant attachment style, then understanding and transforming your mindset. Let’s go.
The step back
We might be familiar with the first stage in the process, but there is a higher level of understanding you want.
The first action you will see a dismissive avoidant make is to remove themselves from what emotion has the potential to become overwhelming.
Unlike other attachment styles that get hit with the weight of emotions right away, it takes the dismissive avoidant longer to process what is happening.
To an outsider, the avoidant is running away at all costs.
To a degree, that statement has some validity.
What is occurring is that the avoidant is trying to minimize the importance of what is causing them to lose frame and feel negative emotions.
The avoidant grew up in an environment where minor emotions, feelings, and stressors were not validated when they expressed them, so they learned a technique to avoid giving them weight.
You’ll see an avoidant distance themselves from the perceived cause of stress, or they will temporarily ignore the emotion.
When you are the partner of the avoidant, you will feel like they are distancing themselves from you in moments of conflict.
What is happening is that the avoidant is distancing from anything that contributed to the emotion. There is a caveat. It is because of the next step in the process.
Epiphany
I apologize for leaving you on a cliffhanger. I had to create the snowball into the next point.
You probably think the avoidant is skipping through the meadows and enjoying alone time while they continue moving through the processing stage.
You’re right because they do enjoy the space at first.
The second thing to understand about avoidants is that they’re logical thinkers instead of emotional ones.
The avoidant looks at the situation instead of the emotion they felt at the time.
You might have this experience as the avoidant or the partner of one; after alone time, the avoidant returns without remorse or anger, and it can seem like the conflict never happened.
During isolation time, the avoidant broke down the situation and deciphered what they should be angry about and what they should let go of.
When they get through that process and think of a valid emotion to let through, they will finally process and accept it.
The finale
By now, you probably think the avoidant is a door you can’t open even though you’ve tried a thousand keys.
Let me break that frame of thinking.
The ultimate goal of the dismissive-avoidant is to keep harmony and peace at a high.
The avoidant feels the weight of situations instead of emotions. That is a direct hit to peace and harmony. They want to avoid negative situations at all costs.
When the avoidant finally recognizes the emotional component, they have to work through the cycle of what they can accomplish alone or work through with a partner.
It feels like a complicated equation, but the end goal is a subconscious thought of the avoidant to trust who and what they are vulnerable with.
When the avoidant builds that trust, they learn they don’t have to have a wall with everyone around them until they have found the key to unlock the door (build trust).
It might not feel like it when the avoidant distances themselves, but the objective they’re trying to accomplish is keeping relationships in a positive and steady state.
Yes, the actions to get there are counterintuitive, and the avoidant needs to learn the proper process to unlearn those behaviors.
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Want to learn about the triggers that cause these intrusive thoughts? Get a free guide here.
Well, good thing I wrote about that. here.
Are you the partner of an avoidant and want to learn what to do when your partner returns from isolation time? Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: il vano on Unsplash
