The ‘Amicable Breakup’ May Be the Ultimate Cruelty

Whenever I hear the term “amicable breakup,” I think of The Rachel. For those who aren’t followers of the hit ‘90s/early 2000s sitcom Friends, The Rachel refers to the haircut sported by Jennifer Aniston’s character Rachel Green in Season 1. The style achieved global cult status, despite the fact that it looked good on almost no one except its namesake.

An amicable breakup is the same way: aspired to by many, achieved by depressingly few.

On its face, a breakup that ends with positive feelings on both sides is a worthy goal. Most people initiating the end of a relationship don’t go in thinking, “Let’s leave behind nothing but scorched earth!” Unless we’re ending things because of abuse or a major betrayal, it’s natural to want to show some consideration for our soon-to-be-ex partner’s feelings, if for no other reason than to honor the time we shared with them.

But that’s where things go way off track. The gradual wind-down, the slow-motion breakup, the removal of the bandaid one millimeter at a time — however you want to describe it— is ultimately far more damaging than getting straight to the point. If you don’t want to be with someone anymore in a romantic way, you need to let them start the healing process as quickly as possible, and that means being totally honest that it’s over between you.

Do you get the sense I have first-hand knowledge of this? You’re right — on both sides of the equation. I’ve been the person who wasn’t clear and pulled away bit by bit. But I’m writing on this topic mainly because of my experience as the one on the receiving end of a very confusing and painful unraveling process that I still struggle to understand today.

What I do know is it was several months between when the other person was apparently done and when I realized they were done. Several months when I could have been moving on and instead was blindly putting time and energy into a relationship that had ceased to exist. Several months of delaying the pain that was going to come at the end either way. Several months of wasted time.

There are situations when the breakup initiator may send vague mixed messages because they aren’t yet sure if breaking up is what they want, and they’re hoping to keep the door to reconciliation open a crack. That’s not fair or kind, and the person doing it likely already knows that it’s wrong.

But when someone gives their partner false hope in the name of “sparing their feelings,” they’re often coming from a good place. They actually do think they’re doing something admirable and compassionate — they’re just mistaken. An understandable mistake but still a mistake.

I’m not advocating brutal honesty during a breakup. Regular honesty is sufficient. Please don’t give a TED talk about why things have to end, but be clear that they do need to end, and that the end is happening now. Let your partner start processing their heartbreak so they can find the same future happiness that you yourself are seeking.

The reality of a breakup is that it’s unpleasant for both parties. There is no avoiding that fact, and to pretend otherwise is a fantasy. Still, there is a way to go about it that preserves the integrity of both you and your soon-to-be-ex: being direct and truthful. You may temporarily hurt their heart and their pride, but honesty at the end is the best way to show respect for the time you spent and the experiences you shared together. And unlike The Rachel, that is a good look on everyone.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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