The Best Love That Never Was

I was sitting in my sunny London flat working away when I received a text message:

Surprise, guess where I am

I have no idea — San Francisco? I reply.

Nope. I’m here in Milan!

But I’m not in Milan, I’m in London.

Oh no. Give me 15 mins.

I receive a message with a 3.30pm timing to London City airport.

You’re coming tomorrow?

No. I’m coming right now.

He landed at City airport and drove to my place, I greeted him from my terrace, he snapped a picture of me waving from the window from the garden in front of my house and ran up, wrapped me into his arms and kissed me.

Why are you not kissing me like you usually kiss me?

I kiss him more passionately.

Ah okay. There you are. Dance with me.

And on the notes of ‘Into the blue’ on the smooth voice of Sienna Rose we slow danced while kissing in my living room for a good 20 minutes.

He pushed me onto the door frame, clearly so excited to see me.

I was trying to gather my emotions which were simply put — all over the place.

On one hand, I was truly happy he was there, I had been needing a hug, a set of arms wrapping me tight, lips that couldn’t wait to eat mine, eyes to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the word. Words that would confirm that I was wanted.

On the other hand, I hadn’t seen this man in a year. A really long time. He had told me he was feeling more than just a casual holiday situationship through the years but I couldn’t figure out how much of it was actually true.

A part of me couldn’t stop thinking of my commitment to T, the only man through the past year who has really showed up for me emotionally, despite us seeing each other for a mere 24 hours in March 2025. He had my loyalty at this point.

But this man standing in front of me, he would be the easiest and smoothest fit of all. He is the only man I have ever dated that would have been an absolute no brainer and would have fit right into my family and into my life.

But perhaps, it’s best if I start from the beginning of this story.

The chase

When we met I was a 24 year old junior communication professional at a tel-co, and he was a 40-something CEO of a tech company.

It was a night like many others, a corporate party, and there he was, tall, outgoing, charming, sunny, witty and outspoken.

I was his perfect match. Tall, curvy, inconvenient, confident, unconventional and a total flirt.

We began talking out of the blue.

People were very intimidated by his position at the time, hence only those senior enough to know him would be speaking with him, however I could have cared less about status.

We chatted away, laughing and flirting, and as soon as I moved away I received a wave of: “do you know who you were speaking to”?

How funny, the human mind, it made absolutely no difference to me.

As I’m heading home, my boss, who at the time must have also been 40-something, calls me to say that she is with her best friend, let’s call him A, and that they were looking me up on Facebook but couldn’t find me.

They were Facebook stalking me. How weird.

With this invasion of privacy I decide I will never date this guy.

He proceeds to show up at a number of our corporate events, perhaps even with the hope of seeing me there although I well know he is a notorious ladies man, dating many beautiful women all around us.

One day, out of the blue, after avoiding him for weeks, a director from my company calls my also 40.year old stunning female colleague and asks her if her and I want to go with him and A to the Coldplay concert in a different city a couple of hours away on that same night.

Yes! I reply.

He was expecting a no so clearly that he literally had given the tickets away already.

He runs to get the tickets back, we all meet for an apertivo and him and I hop in the back of the car, practicing our Coldplay singing skills.

In the middle of the stadium, with full blown darkness and our bracelets light up bright in full blown color, both of his hands on my face, his eyes in mine, a smile which never leaves him, ‘Yellow’ blasting around us, he gave me our very first kiss.

A beautiful, heartfelt, passionate, romantic, totally inappropriate kiss.

Dinner and back to our city, we kissed a bit in my car then I drove off quickly, hoping he wouldn’t follow me home. He was chasing me closely, when at a stop sign I took a sharp right leaving him behind.

A few weeks later, I join my boss for a dinner and as I walk in I spot him having dinner with the CEO of the company I worked for. We sit down with them, chat for a bit then he offers a ride to the international guest sitting at the table to the airport and to myself to take me home. My flat is on the opposite side of town.

We drop off the guest and we drive off a few meters, he stops the car and we kiss like never before.

We head into his flat, beautiful, high ceilings, for a completely wild night.

We begin a passionate affair, I was young, I wasn’t thinking of anything long term I was solely focused on the spark and passion.

I was offered a job in London and once I moved he’d fly in and out for work and to see me in magical evenings chasing me up the stairs, dinners with my closest friends, night walks in Knightsbridge chatting and kissing and merging into an incredibly unique territory of magic and fun.

S hit the fan

At a certain point he left the organization he was working for and came to stay with me for a few days.

At 2am one morning I found him on my terrace on the phone with another woman.

I started crying uncontrollably, I took my stuff left my house, I asked him to leave the next day and I ran to my friend’s to sleep.

We didn’t speak for eight years.

Second try

One day, out of the blue, I sent him a Facebook message. He immediately replied:

I wanted to write you so many times to apologize but I couldn’t find the words. I am so sorry.

He proceeded to tell me he had worked on himself and that he had changed in many ways.

Out of the blue he asks if we want to do a week of vacation together the following week. He’d plan everything, we would meet in Puglia, Italy.

Yes.

I landed on August 16th, sun shining bright, wondering if I’d made the biggest mistake saying yes to a vacation to a man I hadn’t seen in a decade. A little bit jittery, I awaited for the sliding doors to open just to dive into his ice blue eyes.

He looked exactly the same as he always had, with that bright light shining from inside. And into his arms, as I sunk into a huge hug, I felt home.

We jumped into his rental car and set off on the roadtrip of a lifetime.

Absolutley everything was perfect. The places, the company, the chemistry, the conversation, the moments of silence.

We stepped into the first hotel room we’d be staying at unsure if we both wanted the same thing. Unsure of how it would feel.

It was 1pm of the same day.

As I entered this spectacular room made of light stone, a big arched high ceiling, a view overlooking this stunning town and a bottle of champagne on ice by the window, we realized we were into each other exactly as we had been on day one.

I wanted him, he wanted me. No doubt, no reservations, no rules. Just raw, unfiltered, mind-blowing passion.

We made love and we visited the town. We held hands, ate ice cream, we called my former boss — aka his best friend — to tell her how happy we were.

We always call her when we’re together.

When week ended, at the airport, I felt a lump of emotion in my chest as tears swelled in my eyes. I knew this was once again an ending, though for the life of me I struggled to understand why.

I knew going in I shouldn’t get attached, so I always maintained a bit of a distance, however my heart always actively participates, even when I tell it not to jump into a stranger’s car.

I waited for my feelings to subside and moved on with life, as you’ve read in my blog.

Last year

Last year he came to see me for a weekend right around this time of the year and we had another fantastic weekend together. As per usual, everything was perfect.

Lunch with his brother, he met my father and friends, everyone loved everyone else.

Him and I, it just works.

It’s easy, it’s deep, it’s interesting, it’s fun, it’s home.

He left, he told me he felt something towards me that went beyond sex, we spoke for about a year, but never actually met. Until this week. 24 hours.

I’m just going to say it. What are we doing? Why are we not together?

I asked.

He doesn’t even know.

He laughed and smiling, I said everything that was going through my mind.

Our dynamics had shifted. We were closer than ever, happy to be together, sharing deeper thoughts on life, work, happiness and love.

What is everyone’s problem nowadays?

I can’t help but ask myself this question: why is everyone who is still single so damn avoidant or undecided or unavailable yet declaring they are looking for love?

Why is it we all seem to have some kind of problem when it comes to dating? How has it become so hard?

As he was asking me about the London dating scene and he was sharing how terrible the San Francisco one is, I actually began wondering how it hadn’t hit him that I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE, IN FRONT OF HIM.

What is someone actually looking for?

I cannot figure out what would be missing from this equation: compatibility, passion, love, care, lifestyle, family…

At this point, I realized I had removed my heart, because quite frankly I am getting a bit tired of it being used without care.

I wondered if he simply doesn’t like me enough, if perhaps it was a problem of our 18 year age difference. Who knows. I doubt he even knows.

As he left once again without any sort of commitment nor next steps planned, I decided it was in fact time for me to move on in a different direction.

I will not be chasing, begging, or wasting my time wondering why someone who would have been such an incredible life partner still has trouble choosing a life of happiness 15 years later.

It’s strange to live life without so much as a random crush but I must say, I am loving the peace it brings and the re-focusing on what matters: health, family, friends, work.

This weekend again I heard the usual from friends: you’ll find it when you least expect it. Trust me, I am not expecting it.

As I sit here in a beautiful cafe to write it suddenly hit me: