WHEN EMOTIONAL PAIN IS PHYSICAL
Do you feel a knife in your chest? Can’t breathe when you inhale? Is it impossible to not cry when you mention your child’s name?
The death of my son was a rare instance in my life where emotional pain hurt just like the physical pain. It was not anxiety. It was not a panic attack. It hurt. Physically. I understand your pain. So let’s talk about how I dealt with this type of pain. Maybe it can help you with your pain.
TWO YEARS BEFORE I WOULD NOT CRY
If I even said my son’s name I would cry. Seriously. It was tough to endure. Everything would seemingly be normal. But if his name would be mentioned. The pain would relive itself.
Does this feel like you?
There are no real words to write to describe this cycle. There is no analogy to convey. This is especially true when you have seen the body at death. It’s tough to process the images away. I think most parents will agree the event is unforgettable. It was only time which made saying his name bearable. Even as I write the name I can still tear.
All I can tell you fellow parent is…time will make it easier. There is no magic formula to trick your mind. There is no positive affirmation to recite. You can find no solace. That isn’t meant to make you feel hopeless. It’s meant to be honest.
It does get better. You must go through it. Feel what you do and don’t apologize. Accept the hurt, accept the sadness. My only recommendation is to discard anger. It will reset your hurt and sadness.
The only thing worst than being hurt is hurting yourself. So be kind and accept what you cannot control.
HOW I REMEMBER MY SON
I have a small headstone in my garden. I use it to remember my son. His name was Amitiel. Although he was premature, he was developed enough to have eyes, hands, feet with toes, and a fully formed body. He was given a death certificate. From my memory he measured about 9 inches.
It was very surprising to me. I never thought that a premature baby (16 weeks) would stir such a strong reaction in me. I assumed what creates bonds between parent and child is interaction. I saw Amitiel on sonogram, watched him turn, tumble and get comfy. It was a good feeling. I just never imagined a situation where I would be told by a doctor he suddenly ceased to exist for no apparent reason.
The doctor told me he was healthy. He had no sign of abnormalities. He just suddenly stopped. The doctor said he had never seen anything like this before in his 30 years of practicing medicine. Tests for abnormalities in chromosomes yielded nothing.
It was as if God simply took his soul back to heaven. Enough time served I suppose.
THE THOUGHTS I HAD
Although, I recognize not everyone reading ascribes to religion I still think its good to talk about it. Doing so will help explain my perspective. I recognize there is a creator. I am convinced there is a God. I do not think this God shares any authority, decision making or partnership with anyone or anything.
The only thing worst than being hurt is hurting yourself. So be kind and accept what you cannot control.
As such, I also recognize that my God is omniscient. This is a term for “all knowing”. For me, I have no idea why any of this happened. I don’t know why my son didn’t develop. I don’t know why he’s not here. I have no answers nor does anyone else.
I concluded a long time ago that speculation doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I only want to act based off what I know. Given the fact I do not know why this happened, I do not establish any position on its purpose.
It’s a liberating feeling when you realize you don’t have to maintain an opinion on everything. I think what stresses most out is people feel obligated to establish opinions on every event, thing, person and even feeling. You can always reserve the right to have no opinion. Try it.
We do not know what is good for us. We are ignorant to what is bad for us. Having sex with a stranger can make some people feel positive — only to realize it’s a terrible action later when they have an STD.
If we judge what is good only by what feels good we will find ourselves astray. This is true for what feels bad. Running until your lungs feel like collapsing feels terrible — until you place first in state on the 4×4 relay. That which feels bad is actually good.
Our minds deceive ourselves often.
HOW YOU CAN MOVE ON
For everyone it is different. For me I found comfort in believing in the hereafter. I believe this life is not all there is. I do not think my existence is solely to toil here on this earth. The rewards of this life are fleeting.
Everything which we work for is like a crop field. It yields wonderful plants after a season of hard work — only to be wiped out by a storm later left completely barren. Than miraculously after a lot of hardship the plants grow back right before calamity. The cycle repeats.
For me, I like to think there is a place where storms no longer wipe out my crops. I find comfort in that. Some call it heaven. Others call it paradise. A few call it nirvana. I call it returning home to be in the presence of my single living God who knows only perfection. A God who does not get tired, does not need anything, does not rest and has no burden maintaining all of creation.
I look at this place as a test. A test to examine do I really believe in the hereafter? Do I really believe in being held accountable? Do I really believe the beliefs I state?
I guess I would be a hypocrite if I were to abandon them at the first sign of adversity. After all, it makes sense to me God would want to expose the hypocrites. How could anyone know if anyone was telling the truth unless they were tested.
I suppose that’s how I moved on. Realizing I’m being tested. Do I truly believe my son is in a better place or am I just offering lip service? I choose to maintain my belief no matter the cirumstances.
IN CLOSING
Sign up for free to listen free of charge to my chapter in “Many Paths To Profit” to read about how I look at things. My dynamic form of observing and reframing will help you to accomplish things like what we have discussed in today’s article. I have a free podcast called Hustle Kick as well which teaches you how to hustle for free.
You can pick up a copy of my international best-selling and award winning book, “I Made It Then I Didn’t” as well for a deeper insight on some of the psychology I use to take me through difficult circumstances.
I hope this helped you. It helped me. Perhaps these words can help one parent see the light in an otherwise dark room.
To Your Knowledge Success!
Sources
1) The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t”.
2) As Hyperlinked throughout the article.
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Not a form of investment advice. Please consult a professional registered to give you advice about your individual circumstance. This is not formal counseling or a form of psychology. Please consult a licensed therapist or psychiatrist for psychological concerns. Please do not email the author about advice on investing or strategies on making investments. This article is for educational purposes and entertainment purposes only.
About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller, Award Winner of the December 2024 prestigious International Impact Book Awards — a premier award program dedicated to celebrating and recognizing the exceptional work of authors around the globe and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t”. He is also a Co-Author with Kevin “The Shark” Harrington “Many Paths To Profit”. See more at www.christopherklopez.com.
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