Your desperation and low standards for sex is one of the biggest turn offs for her.
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One of the most valuable pieces of information I can share with you about sexual attraction and sexual rejection is this.
By the time sexual frustration and conflict enter into a relationship, there has been a long road of bad feelings AND bad behavior on both sides.
Your wife or girlfriend is CRYSTAL CLEAR about the negative energy you BOTH have generated. While she is feeling bad and emotionally mistreated, she is also keenly aware of how badly she has been treating you.
In this reality, it is impossible for her to feel sexually attracted to you.
Do you feel the same? Probably not.
In fact, most men believe that a sexual connection at this point would help to reconnect and smooth over the negativity and erase the bad feelings caused by being treated poorly.
She thinks this is INSANE.
This issue is the BIGGEST turn-off. To her it feels unattractive, un-manly, and a little desperate.
She can not imagine having sex with someone that she is not attracted to.
Given how horrible she’s been and how she’s has treated you, how could you possibly be attracted to her and want sex?
Desperation is One of The Biggest Turn Offs for Women
If you consistently make sexual advances toward a woman who is feeling unattractive she will also find YOU unattractive.
And if you act sexually attracted to a woman who KNOWS she has been acting unattractively and not attracted toward you, she WILL lose respect for you.
The old cliché is that women need to feel intimacy before having sex – men need to have sex to feel intimacy. Clichés are born for a reason. There is a lot of truth to this. But you’re not a slave to it.
So what do you do?
◊♦◊
You must choose a new principle for yourself and starting operating by it today. The new principle will mean taking sex off the table unless the feelings YOU require are present.
The new mindset requires you to raise your standards and expectations for HER to earn sexual intimacy with YOU. You are the prize here, not her. Scary stuff, huh? I know. That is a critical mind-shift.
It’s time you hit the reset button and starting acting like the prize you were before things got rough.
It’s time to remember and embrace the YOU who was irresistible to her in the beginning, before bad feelings and bad behavior became a problem.
Taking sex off the table until your conditions are met is essential.
These conditions are FIRST about meeting the expectations you have for yourself in regard to how you feel and how you treat her.
These conditions are ALSO about her choosing to meet your expectations for how you want to feel and how you expect to be treated.
This is called “setting your boundaries” – first for yourself, then for her.
This isn’t easy work. I know. It’s a huge change for most of us. I can help you understand this and exactly HOW this is going to go for you.
Just call or just email. Talking it out with a brother is the best thing you can do. Use that annoying “Let’s Talk” pop-up box if you need to.
Just make the decision to DO something different. Something new.
Remember…
“Only TWO THINGS change your life: either something new comes into your life, or something NEW comes out of you!” (Brendon Burchard)
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Photo Credit: BigStock.com\
Article Originally Posted on GoodGuys2GreatMen.com
Hi Steve I agree with you, if you say that to save a man’s marriage is not the ultimate goal. Soon a television series starts in my country about a marriage therapist. A comedy . His success rate is 93%. He see divorce as success and hate marriage. I seldom watch television but I can imagine a series about this can be fun. We need more knowledge about how to live together. It is hard. Even when you choose to share house with friends it is hard to live close together over time. I copied my mother when I was… Read more »
Thanks so much, Iben. I wish happy holidays too. I’m grateful to have “met” so many thoughtful, compassionate, deep and critical thinkers here. You were one of the first to engage my articles and I appreciate every word and feeling you share.
Hi Steve
You often talking to animals, your horses.
Lol at this fantastic video :
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/remarkable-story-of-animal-communication-video.html
@Iben, Hello Iben! I hope you are well. I wanted to share with you that I was watching Aljazeera America TV this afternoon. I really hope Aljazeera America will survive. They do so many wonderful stories. They did a very nice and interesting story about something called ‘slow tv’ in Norway. They showed a TV program (excerpts) called ‘Minutt For Minutt.’ Apparently it is wildly popular in Norway. At times it was really funny because the producer said it was just nothing! No plot, no context, no action,…..I saw an except of a boat ride. It was 6 hours long.… Read more »
In Japan is a growing movement of “grass eating” men who are shunning marriage as well as the
70 hour work weeks of their parent’s generation. Predictably, the government is panicking and
considering a “handsome tax” like the ones that were levied on bachelors in Colonial America.
Japanese women are wondering why these men have no interest in them. Maybe due to unreal
expectations.
Editor(s),
Since you suppressed my original post to Tea, the one above needs deleting as it relates to my original post to Tea.
Thank You.
I wholeheartedly agree with this article. In fact, this is one of my reasons for recently breaking it off with my boyfriend. I had absolutely no attraction to him because of his begging, groveling, pathetic desperation and lack of self-respect or boundaries, when years earlier I’d been the one chasing him around! While I, too, can’t speak for all women, it was totally a turn-off that he still wanted to have sex, and so badly, when we were fighting so much. It even drove the fighting further, because I lost so much respect for him.
@Tea, I really do not feel you are being totally honest year. You state, “In fact, this is one of my reasons for recently breaking it off with my boyfriend. I had absolutely no attraction to him….” Why did he start begging in the first place? I am willing to bet it was due to a big drop in sex initiated by you and having NOTHING to do with his ” begging, groveling, pathetic desperation and lack of self-respect or boundaries,…”. Why can’t women just admit that the guy no longer did it for them! Instead, they seem far happier… Read more »
Hi Jules, Question: At what point in any relationship should any man feel it appropriate to consider entering a process of ” begging, groveling, pathetic desperation and lack of self-respect or boundaries, ” ? My philosophy and coaching CENTERS around (among other values) the supposition that a man NEVER considers this appropriate. In Teas case : 1. He is being truly pathetic and immature and deserves to lose a good, loving, sexual woman. 2.. He chooses to NOT be pathetic and immature and lives by his own clear values and boundaries. If, after a gallant effort, she refuses to join… Read more »
@Steve, “As much as there are insecure, uptight, and snarky women, there ARE multitudes of sniveling, insecure, and pathetic men. I proudly admit I once held a membership card. A great education it was.” And there are no “sniveling, insecure, and pathetic women?” You damn well bet there are Steve. We can add conniving, devious, capricious,……Look Steve, you even used harsher adjectives to depict men! All of these adjectives are appropriate for both sexes. Now, to answer your question. I would NEVER lower myself to this level over sex with a woman who clearly is NOT interested in having sex… Read more »
A bit harsh don’t you think?
Hi Steve I know nothing of theories about how to save married couples in trouble. And the article below can also be too old to be of any interest. I failed in my attempts to cut and past. But if you scroll down to the bottom of the article you see the the findings are that it is men that need “Physiological soothing ” in conflicts , not women , because of men’s physiological arousal are so much higher . It differs from women’s . http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Dysfunctional-marital-conflict-and-everyday-marital-interaction.pdf If this is correct , then it is the husband that need a safe… Read more »
Page 75
Thanks for the article, Iben. Very interesting! I’ve written before that both husband and wife require emotional safety and I agree that men can use more of it from women. The more “conscious” a man is and (as the study says) less physiologically reactive he is, the better he can be at responding to conflict in ways that help – not hurt. He will move toward her and the conflict with love instead of away or against it with anger. The more a WIFE can help to create an environment that encourages him to move toward her during conflict instead… Read more »
“Men can choose to “go first” with making bids to reconnect and to lose the anger/resentment which cause us to ignore and disrespect her attempts to reconnect.”
Yes, we can choose to do so. Or we may have specific reason(s) for not doing so.
Sometimes the anger, resentment, disdain, contempt, and distaste has been simmering, burning, and smoldering inside a man for so long that it is best to disengage, totally. The man no longer desires for a re-connection. He simply wants her out of his life completely.
Hi Steve How we wrote about men’s need for soothing interested me, so I read on of articles he refers to. And I gave me many ideas. You should read this one as well. Even by browsing it gives interesting knowledge. Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interaction John M. Gottman; James Coan; Sybil Carrere; Catherine Swanson Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 60, No. 1. (Feb., 1998), pp. 5-22. Concludes in the end: ✺””If we are right, then the implications are that marital therapy needs to do two things. First, it needs to abandon the active listening… Read more »
Sorry about my typos.
@Iben,
Hello Iben!
I read some of the content from the original link you posted above. While I am no psychologist/therapist, it does offer a new and interesting approach to creating marital bliss.
Thanks for sharing Iben. I am always looking for novel and unique approaches. The conventional wisdom simply does not work, in my view.
Hi Jules
Yes the article is interesting .
The women’s gentles , her ability to de-escalate conflicts and sooth the man and her self is vital. And the the men that accept influence from their wife have less chance for divorce later on.
In other words, her we hear nothing about the husbands leadership as a factor that predict happy marriages. But women’s gentleness when they bring up subjects, soothing and de-escalating conflicts.
This is good advice for both men and women.
Typo
The woman’s gentleness
Whatever way you crank it, replacing one preconception about dysfunctional gender dynamics within a relationship/marriage, with any other preconception, is barely a step forward.
Hi FlyingKal I do not understand exactly what you mean. Can you say more. The subject is interesting . What is the preconception in the reseach done by professor Gottman ? He can predict divorce with high accuracy (90%+) , that obviously means he is on to something important in his research about what it takes for a couple to build a good happy marriage. Findings that say the usual methods used my marriage therapists called ” activ listening” has no impact and actually increase confrontations. Steve can not come up with data from his work, he only gives us… Read more »
Hi Iben, It looks like I can’t reply directly to your comment because we’ve run out of room. You’ve read enough of my stuff to know I believe both men and women have tremendous influence on each other and the relationship. Gottman’s study directly supports my beliefs in that it is clear that women have the power to influence, encourage, and lead a man’s ability to respond favorably to conflict. They have this ability in other areas as well. Men ALSO have this ability in many areas which I write about. I don’t measure my success by saved marriages –… Read more »
Hi Iben,
I talk about “preconceptions” in the meaning of “förutfattade meningar” eller “fördomar”, in the terms of gender. In your link, they bring up that “women’s (natural) gentlenesss and her ability to de-escalate conflicts and sooth the man and herself is vital. And the men that accept influence from their wife have less chance for divorce later on.”.
And that seems to me as rather both essentialist (“all women are X, all men are Y”) and bigoted (as in “Men are too stupid to know what’s good for them, and need a woman to tell them right from wrong”).
I think it’s a question of perception, basically.
A woman may for any arbitrary reason turn off the attraction for her man, and I guees after that anything he does to initiate intimacy OR sex will be perceived as pathetic, begging, desperation and lack of self-respect.
FlyingKal
“””””” woman may for any arbitrary reason turn off the attraction for her man, “”””””
Can this never happen to a man?
Do men desire a woman no matter the quality of their relationship, no matter if he loses respect for her or no, no matter if she hurts his feelings in everyday life, no matter If she has lovers, no matter if she is totally I capable of emotional intimacy with him or not?
@KIM,
If I might chime in and offer a perspective from my personal experience.
Yes, there are men (myself in particular) who did turn off my attraction/desire for my ex wife. There have been a few other women whom I was not involved with but was interested. However, once I learned some other things about them, I did turn off my desire and interest.
My point is: turning off my desire or interest was NOT arbitrary. It was based on concrete and specific factors.
Hence, I do not believe I am alone among men in this respect.
KIM,
Can this never happen to a man?
Of course it can, and I never said it couldn’t.
But I was responding within the context of the article, were HE is rejected by HER.
I’m not sure about the desire a woman bit. What I do know though is that sex is a need men have (and I’m sure women too) which is not always connected to love. It is a physical need and is not always connected to specific emotions. I once knew a couple who were going through a rough patch who were hardly spoke to each other. But they both told me that the still had sex with each other. I guess they still considered sex a conjugal duty. I think they also knew that withholding sex from your partner (especially… Read more »
You really think a woman just decides to stop wanting sex? You really think she decides to “turn off” her attraction to a man for no reason? That’s ridiculous. Just because you may not know what the reason is, there is one. It may be something the man has done, it may not be, but if a woman was attracted to her man and enjoying sex with him, and it stops, there IS a reason.
I totally agree with you..
@Tea,
“I really do not feel you are being totally honest year. You state,”
Should read,
“I really do not feel you are being totally honest here. You state,”
Sorry.
Actually I concur with Jennifer J.
I’m in absolute agreement with her sentiments
If my man is focused on me and obviously desiring ME and pursuing me – that can turn around ANY “negative vibe” I might be carrying with me – seconds…. I think the key is PURSUIT. of her PERSON not of what she can give you.
Steve, you make a lot of generalities here. I can’t speak for all women (although you apparently can), but I can tell you my experience. I don’t mind that my husband can find me sexually attractive even on those occasional days when he doesn’t like me very much. Once he asked me if it would bother me if I knew that he used porn that we’d made together when we fighting. I actually found it kind of hot that he could get off on my image even during those (fortunately rare) times when we aren’t getting along. His attraction for… Read more »
Hi Jennifer, Great input. While I try not to generalize, I believe about 80% of couples with negativity in their relationship can relate to my thoughts, therefore, I generalize for the purpose of a short article aimed at those husbands. The fact that your husband can revert to porn you’ve made together puts you both outside that 80% in my opinion. You may be living outside the unhealthy spiral many other couples get into. I admire the honesty and communication you seem to share and support with each other. Tea’s comments below represent the huge majority of married women with… Read more »
The scenario described here is one where there is a cycle of negativity in the relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the wife has permanently lost desire for her husband, but it does mean that the situation is making it impossible for her to get in touch with that desire. When her husband wants sex despite the negative feelings between them, it makes her think that his sexual desire has nothing to do with her, but is just a cheap, impersonal impulse. That’s the turnoff. She wants it to be be because he wants her, not just because he wants… Read more »
Hi Rosemary,
When her husband wants sex despite the negative feelings between them, it makes her think that his sexual desire has nothing to do with her, but is just a cheap, impersonal impulse. That’s the turnoff. She wants it to be be because he wants her, not just because he wants sex in general. She doesn’t feel desirable when they are in a cycle of negativity.
Maybe he just doesn’t see the spiral of negative feelings as serious as she does?
Just a thought?
@Rosemary, You say, “The scenario described here is one where there is a cycle of negativity in the relationship.” Often times Rosemary there is NO cycle of negativity. The wife simply has lost sexual interest in her husband. She is bored (sexually) and simply is not turned on by her husband any longer. Bottom line: she no longer finds her husband sexually attractive. She possibly never did. In this case, there is little a man can do. He is at the mercy of his wife. I know sex experts feel there are a plethora of things people can do to… Read more »
Hi Rosemary I know exactly what you talk about! You describe this so well. ✺” it makes her think that his sexual desire has nothing to do with her, but is just a cheap, impersonal impulse. That’s the turnoff. She wants it to be be because he wants her, not just because he wants sex in general. “✺ This is how I felt , and I think in many situations my intuition was correct. Sometime my husband wanted sex in general , and it had nothing to do with me. I was convinced it had nothing to do with me,… Read more »
@Iben, Hello Iben! You write, “Do we hear women tell about their need for sex, do women see this as their right ? No we do not.” Iben, this is just not true. Many women do talk about their sexual needs, booty calls, and specific men they have had sex. They even share info on the the quality of the sex. Even if women do not talk about it Iben, many have their ‘boy toys’ or their FWB, or men to go to for casual sexual encounters. In essence Iben, women have more options and outlets for sexual satisfaction. So,… Read more »
“Even if women do not talk about it Iben, many have their ‘boy toys’ or their FWB, or men to go to for casual sexual encounters. In essence Iben, women have more options and outlets for sexual satisfaction. So, no you will not hear it openly discussed because their need has been satisfied”
So if men have no options who is fucking these women re: booty calls, casual encounters?
@Danielle Paradise, “So if men have no options who is fucking these women re: booty calls, casual encounters?” The select few men who are having casual sex with numerous women. The vast majority of men do not get in on this action Danielle. It’s the 80/20 rule. I am willing to bet that 20% of the men are doing the majority of the women. The women do not care since it is just sex. All he needs to be is sexually attractive and have good sex capability. Most of these men are perceived by most women as UN-dateable. They (these… Read more »
Two sides to that coin. A woman who can’t loosen up and enjoy sex, or who withholds it, or lets her libido wither is pretty unattractive and hard for me to respect.
No Erin, I think you misinterpreted the content of this article. The author talks about how the women may be horrible to the man and the she knows she has been horrible. So “maybe” is not off topic here.
Hi Steve I think your strategy can work for many, but this explanation is not good: ✺”She can not imagine having sex with someone that she is not attracted to. Given how horrible she’s been and how she’s has treated you, how could you possibly be attracted to her and want sex?……. If you consistently make sexual advances toward a woman who is feeling unattractive she will also find YOU unattractive.”✺ Actually I do not think all women that say no to sex feel they treat their husband badly . When the marriage spirals down it does not mean she… Read more »
@Iben,
Hey!
I think what Steve is saying is: She does NOT find him (man or husband) attractive. She is NOT attracted to him, sexually or otherwise.
Yes, the wife can feel attractive about herself. Yet, she may no longer be attracted (sexually) to her husband. There are also a lot of American women who have serious body image issues. These women sometime feel so unattractive (due to perceived poor body image) to the opposite sex that it kills their sexual desire.
Hi Jules
OK.
And her husbands use of porn can change him, and be the cause for her disgust .
This article on GMP should be read by all married persons
“The Science of How Pornography Impacts Your Marriage”.
The easiest way to turn around a sexless relatioion ship is to have something she wants, and hold it in exchange. Money, affection, the kind of sex she likes, etc. Or just go get laid outside the relationship. Much less trouble that way.
Money?
@diz,
If she does not find you attractive, why continue to bother? You can’t make her find you attractive!
It is very rare for a man to ‘convert’ a woman who does not find him attractive. The only time it is likely to occur is if she just wants to use you for financial gain (read $$$$$).
The same thing goes for a sexless marriage. Why bother if she clearly does not find you sexually attractive?
Actually, going outside your committed relationship for sex sounds like a heck of a lot more drama, not less trouble. Why not just break it off?
1. Loss of access to the kids.
2. Child support
3. Alimony
It would be better to retain the services of a professional, and I don’t mean an attorney.