The Blindsided Breakup: Do I Even Want Him to Text?

I started 35 in love with him.

I spent the first half of 35 loving and holding on to him.

I spent the second half of 35 letting him go, healing from him, and learning to love every part of myself again.

I started 36 loving myself and my life in a way I never have before… so sure of who I am and what I want.

Birthdays have always been special for me. Whether it’s mine or someone I love, I go all out.

This birthday, though, was different. While I usually start birthdays by being excited about what I want in my new age, I started this new age by being perfectly happy about where I am in life and, most importantly, who I am. For the first time, it wasn’t about what I expected; it wasn’t about what I hoped to hold onto or have; it was about who I am and how I am feeling in the present.

A Birthday Promise

My only expectation for this new age is to maintain the love I’ve found within myself and to keep expanding it fearlessly.

This year, I made a promise to myself:

• To never let anyone make me question who I am or how I love.
• To never let anyone take away the parts of me that make me feel whole.

After months of healing, I am genuinely thankful he freed me. He saved me from himself, and a future never meant for me. I can see how much of everything I was okay with that I shouldn’t have been, just how much of myself I was losing to hold onto him.

Age 35 brought on a lot of questioning, questioning love, questioning people, doubting myself, bending backwards, a lot of silence, ‘ being okay with things that are not okay’, adjusting and adapting to others, and many more abnormal situations…

It also brought out my magic. It again showed me how capable I am of loving, caring, compromising, learning, healing, and growing with another person, but most importantly, myself.

Age 35 was a turning point. The first half of it taught me about love, compromise, and connection with another person. The second half taught me how to rebuild the connection with myself… to make it stronger, more confident, and more full of life and love than ever before.

While I started 35 in love with someone, I started 36 ready to love even harder… thanks to everything I’ve learned about myself.

And yet… while I celebrated myself, there was that place in my heart that I can never ignore, a part of me that wondered:

Would he text?

Questions That Linger

Do I even want him to text?

Would it mean anything if he did?

Would it make him the guy I thought he was?

If he didn’t, would it prove he’s the guy he showed himself to be?

Would it make things better or worse?

What would a text change?

Does it have the power to delete the pain, the truth, the reality?

Would it change the present?

The answer to all of these questions is simple: N/A.

“N/A: written abbreviation for not applicable: used on a form to show that you are not giving the information asked for because the question is not intended for you or your situation: If a question does not apply to you, please put N/A in the box provided.” Cambridge Business English Dictionary © Cambridge University Press

And that’s the truth. Neither the questions nor the answers apply to me anymore.

He didn’t text, by the way.

I can’t say I am glad he didn’t text, just as I can’t know if I would have been glad if he did. Neither has the power to change how I am feeling or the present.

Taking Back My Power

His lack of a text held no power over my birthday, my life, or the love I felt from the people who truly matter.

The love I received that day… from friends and family, near and far… was real and present. It held power because it exists now.

Whether or not he thought about me on my birthday affects him, not me. I’m done giving his choices power over my heart.

But I’ll admit: a small part of me will always hold space for the important things that have come and gone.

I’m someone who, if I love you once, I’ll always have love for you. Not in a way that affects my present or future, but in the way that the past is always a part of us.

It’s not as strong and doesn’t occupy an ample space. It shifted location, but it is there because love doesn’t go away because something ends. It just stops holding power over you. It stays in your past, and the past is what makes us who we are today. That is why I always maintain space for the past things in my heart; they are why I am who I am today.

Making Space for the Past

For a long time, I thought I had to erase the past to truly heal. Now, I know that healing isn’t about deleting; it’s about letting the past take its rightful place.

I’ve realised that holding space for what was doesn’t mean I’m not ready for what’s next. My heart is enormous. It’s made room for the lessons of the past, the love of the present, and the possibilities of the future.

I think the key is to be sure that the things that hold those tiny spaces aren’t something you still want and don’t occupy more space than they should.

The past is still real. It is a part of me and all of us: the love, the breakups, the pain, the grief, the heartbreaks, the mistakes, the lessons in all shapes and forms… They are all why we are who we are today and why we want what we want now…

In my case, it is why I am so ready for the real thing. I am more open to it than I’ve ever been before… I am proud that I didn’t get stuck in the pain in a way that made me fear opening my heart ever again…

Feeling my heart so open to love after the heartbreak is one of the most liberating things I have ever felt… It is the thing I am most proud of from my healing journey.

And it is in there that I feel the deep love for myself, the people I love around me, and ‘the one’ who’s just around the corner…

Looking Back at 35

It’s funny to reflect on my last birthday.

He wasn’t there. He had to ‘work.’ He didn’t send flowers or gestures to make up for it, then or after. I spent my birthday with people who made me feel loved… but every time the doorbell rang, a package arrived or flowers came, I hoped it was him or from him…

Out loud, I said, “It’s okay; he has to work.”

“It’s okay, I don’t need flowers, I have him…”

But inside, I wanted him to care. I wanted the thought, the gesture, the effort.

I didn’t even get a card… Ever!

I hate to admit it now, but there was a quiet anxiety hovering over me that day. I was in a relationship I thought was happy and healthy…

Looking back, I can see how much I deserved more… and how much I’ve grown since.

Feeling Safe in Love

In this new age, I gave myself what he never did: safety.

35 I felt unsafe… I silently soothed myself day after day during and after the relationship.

But…

36 I feel safer, more secure, and protected than I ever felt… Because I am safe within myself, within my own heart.

My Biggest Takeaways from 35

Find someone who makes you feel safe with their love.

Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe with their love.

Be someone that makes yourself and others feel safe with your love.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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