The Blindsided Breakup: The Run-In I Wasn’t Ready For

Where were we? Ah, yes…

Just as you think you’re healing, letting go, and finally doing better… the universe tests you.

I was early to meet a friend for his birthday. As I walked into the bar, I caught that familiar scent, and before I knew it, I was frozen. I looked up, and there he was, laughing with the manager. His smile is still so familiar it hurts. He turned, our eyes met, and every nerve in my body went on high alert.

Just as I should go into full flight mode, I do what any irrational, heart-bruised girl would do: I walk right up to him.

He looks at me, wide-eyed, and smiles… He didn’t expect this either. My entire body shakes.

(Pro-tip: if your body shakes when you see a guy, that’s your cue to run… but, of course, I didn’t.)

Instead, I gave him the biggest hug I’d ever given, and for a moment, it felt like everything I’d been missing.

Then he says, “Here, sit,” and pulls the bar chair next to him. The rational thing? Sit anywhere else, right? Literally, anywhere ELSE! But that’s not what happens…

I sit beside him. He catches me up on his life, all the while skipping any interest in mine. My friend arrives, I introduce them, and the vibe shifts to a bizarre trio hangout… My friend focused on praising me for everything.

The alcohol flows fast, my friend eventually leaves, and I should leave too.

But he says, “Stay a bit more.”

I stay. I let him take my hand, and together, we fall into that old, familiar rhythm… Talking, laughing, touching, drinking like we used to… Pretending nothing had ever changed. It didn’t make sense, but somehow, it felt like the past few months had never happened. Just like that, I was back to believing he could change, or better yet, that he had changed. Ignoring every red flag as if on autopilot.

Before I knew it, I was waking up next to him the next morning.

I don’t remember much from the end of the night before, but in the morning, reality hit me like an ice bath.

F****… No!

Then came the questions, each one more desperate than the last: Is this real? Does he see what we have, what we almost lost? Are we back together? Has he changed? What now?

I turn to him and say, “It took me so long to get used to you not being here, and now…”

Kisses my forehead and squeezes me hard.

And answers: “I know. I need to practice better self-control.”

Better self-control? That’s all he could say after spending the night and morning with me, holding me like we hadn’t been apart…

He jumps out of bed, gets dressed at record speed, kisses me, and heads out the door before I can even process what just happened.

I ask, “We’ll talk about this, right?”

He gives me a quick nod and leaves.

Hours pass. No text, no call. I mean, this is the bare minimum, even from a random hookup… let alone someone I shared a love, a life, a connection with not so long ago.

So I text him: This is a good time to be the kind of guy who actually texts after a night like that. The past doesn’t change the present…

His reply?

Hahahaha

It was nice running into you and seeing you last night. (with angel emojis, thank you very much).

Nice running into me? Seriously?

I can’t help it. I didn’t lose control for the most part after he left me in ruins, but this was too much. This hit too deep.

I text: Seriously… F** you and go to hell.

His response: A row of smiley face emojis, followed by the purple devil emoji… three times.

This man is 50 years old.

Of course, as usual, the next day, I felt bad about my last texts… I text again, something softer, basically in summary saying:

Sorry, your response caught me off guard. We spent a night as if nothing had changed, and you completely disregarded our night and morning. I can’t keep doing this. I know every time we run into each other, this will happen. We will always be able to have a night like we always do, shutting out the world and ending up together… We’ve always had this, and I know we always will. But I can’t do this middle thing with you… I need to know… Is there a potential for an ‘us’ now or ever? We both need to think about this and talk. So please give me an answer, any answer.

My anxious mode fully reactivated, back into the same cycle.

But as I should’ve known by now, the man who discarded me once would do it again. No response. Just another ghost.

I was back to square one, but this time it was worse than ever. I hit rock bottom.

I did the one thing I had avoided since he broke my heart… I flew home, unable to keep hiding the tears, and broke down on my parents’ kitchen floor.

It felt like I’d been tricked into believing the worst was behind me, only to be hit with an even harder truth. It was clearly my fault for letting him trick me, for falling for his “I miss you, I love you, the breakup was hard on me that’s why I stayed away, that’s why I left…” lines. I’d bought into his hand-holding, forehead kisses, the moments from that night that convinced me something between us was still there and real. But after all that, he left me cold, with no answers and zero empathy.

Honestly, how hard is it to say: “We made a mistake. This can’t happen again. Nothing has changed.” Or even, “Sorry for being an asshole.”

ANYTHING would’ve been better than his silence. Indifference hurts.

But another lesson learned… I can’t expect people to have empathy, courtesy, or kindness. It’s his lack of empathy that still leaves me with the biggest why!

Looking back now, I felt like an addict who’d been given a taste of their vice just to crash harder afterwards. I had everything I thought I wanted… him, us, love. But I got my high, only to have it ripped away, leaving me emptier than before. In that emptiness, though, I knew one thing for sure: this had to be the final acceptance of reality that it really was over.

And that he was right, after all this, I do deserve better.

It is funny, though… I’d spent all that time since ‘the breakup’ secretly hoping for a run-in with him, wanting to see him so badly to maybe prove something. Maybe it was that I’d moved on, maybe to know if I finally felt nothing, or to see if I still felt everything, that he’d snap out of this madness and that it would be our way back to each other…

Or maybe it was thinking I’d get closure from the source of my pain.

Either way for the longest time, I thought that run-in would be the answer to all my questions and the remedy to my pain. It ended up adding more questions and pain, and the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ never felt more real.

I still don’t know why we believe the one who caused the hurt has the power to soothe it when their only power is their ability to open old wounds while also creating new ones to add to the pain.

If you’re in that phase of the post-breakup chaos and you find yourself slipping and spiralling, doing ‘messy’ things, intentionally or unintentionally like ending up back in bed with your ex… Seeking for closure and/or answers from the one place you should be staying away from… Don’t beat yourself up.

We’ve all been there… Drawn back to a face (we still ‘love’ or ‘obsess over’), hoping maybe, just maybe, things would be different. It’s messy and confusing. A lot of times it feels like you’re starting from square one. But here’s the thing… Moments like these are part of the process there is no way around them. If they happen they happen.

They don’t mean we are weak or regressing… They mean we are human. So, if you’re carrying that embarrassment, know you’re not alone. Real strength isn’t about never slipping… It’s about slipping and getting up again each time. Through the self-doubt, the questioning, the self-reflection, and the growth, you’ll eventually know when it’s time to let go. And when you’re truly ready, you will.

Until then, remember to love yourself even harder through the mess.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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