The Cheater In All Of Us

Isn’t it true that we have defined cheating too narrowly that we only think of it as sneaking around on your partner? When you hear stories of a scandalously unfaithful partner, do you comfortably put a wall between you and them? That limited definition and comfortable distance is what lets us off the hook in other areas (at least in our minds).

The truth of the matter is, however, that the behavior rears its ugly head in too many areas of our lives every day. Sometimes overtly, sometimes not so overtly. Sadly, a lot of the time it is not about our behavior toward other people, but the small ways we cheat ourselves, i.e., the shortcuts we all take every day.

“Think of cheating generally as any act where the main goal is immediate ease over long-term integrity.”

First, is the saddest and we will call them: the self-cheater. How is it even possible that the same person plays the role of deceiver and the deceived? Well, it is not that hard to phantom when we realize we cheat our future selves every day. For instance, when spending money we don’t have because we believe that future us will just figure it out, or staying in the “safe” job or relationship when we know deep down it is all a stall tactic.

There are other examples, too numerous to mention, that may feel harmless now, but down the line we realize how much we have robbed our future selves.

“How amazing is a mind that plays both deceiver and deceived?”

Another form of self-cheating occurs when a person lets a false sense of entitlement lead them to think they are exceptions to general rules. When a person is guilty of this, his actions destroy trust because it tells others he thinks he is are more importnant than them. We all know such a person. Sometimes, we have even been this person.

We may deny and get defensive when someone points out any of those “small infractions” because, come on, it is not that big a deal. The truth, however, is that it is that false sense of entitlement leading us to think that we are somehow the exception.

“Integrity is not divisible: you can’t be honest in the big things but dishonest in the small ones. It’s the small shortcuts that reinforce the dangerous belief that you are above the consequences.”

There is also this modern-day favorite that we will call digital cheating. Digital cheaters use filters and Photoshop until their selfies don’t really look like them anymore, inflate job titles on LinkedIn, or use AI to complete a task and pretend they just banged it out right now after some serious effort.

We cheat this way and think nothing of it because the modern age rewards shortcuts, and this variety cheater only gets caught because real-world skills, or appearance, eventually need to match up with the versions they sell online.

“The reward for cheating is constant fear of exposure.”

In the relationship sphere, not every cheater breaks hearts, but there is no shortage of other ways to break trust:

Saying, “I will call you tomorrow,” and never calling
(because they know you are busy).
Tossing out “Let’s get lunch” with no intention of actually following up
(because everyone knows that is just something people say).
Keeping people around in your orbit without ever investing in them
(because, well, haven’t you already blessed them enough with all that proximity to you?)

Such behavior means people are cheated of the stability and sincerity they thought you were offering, and gradually, over time, this kind of cheating begins to add up to connections that feel shallow and shattered trust that may not ever be repaired.

“When making a tough choice, don’t look for what you just want to do right now, but what the person you want to be ten years from now would want you to do. Don’t cheat that person out of their best life.”

Always choose the long game

The whole point we are making here is that cheating doesn’t always have to be scandalous. Most of the time, it is just the subtle shortcuts and our weakness in falling for them… and that cheater lives in all of us.

It is almost like the temptation to take shortcuts is wired into our brains as a survival mechanism (maximize reward with minimum effort), but the thing is, civilization is built on resisting such impulses. A life of true fulfillment requires us to play the long game, to choose integrity even when it is difficult because our best selves are waiting for us at the finish line, and cheating only trips us up at the start.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.