For Paul Kidwell, boys’ night out means staying in and having a good cry with his buddies.
You’d think that a bunch of middle-aged guys would have better things to do than to get together every couple of months and shed tears over the likes of Colin Firth, Andie McDowell, Anthony Hopkins, and Hugh Grant. Particularly this group of married chaps who, while being mostly Alpha in maleness, all share a soft spot for those movies that have chicks, megaplex rather than dudes, in mind. While their counterparts are sitting in rapt attention watching the latest action or sci-fi flick at the local, or relishing their umpteenth viewing of The Godfather (an activity I wholeheartedly endorse), our group finds joy in viewing the wee movies that are short on action, but long on emotion.
We all came together in serendipitous ways—never imagining that we would find brotherhood in a shared delight for movies where the man is both anti-hero and hero. Although he usually gets the girl in the end, the manner in which he arrives at this denouement can best be described as “bumbling.” I knew Jeremy as a good friend of my accountant, who knew Jeff, who landscaped his lawn, who married the sister of his cousin’s former college roommate, Andy, who played high school basketball with Philip. Much like the male characters in the movies we all find appealing, we all bumped into each other without warning and fanfare. The fact that we all sought out those quiet moments to watch films like Notting Hill, Love Actually (our Christmas tradition and the group’s answer to It’s A Wonderful Life), Crush, and While You Were Sleeping, well, it’s a guy thing.
What draws us to these movies is not the beauty and the talent of the actresses (although, as a side benefit, it ranks right up there) who typically get top billing in these films. These stories have become their own genre by turning the tables cinematically, allowing the girl to take the lead in the story and get the guy, and not the reverse. I suppose we all daydream about being approached or seduced like the young church organist in Andie McDowell’s Crush, waking up to find that Sandra Bullock became smitten with you while you slept, or having the likes of Julia Roberts object to you getting married. All men should be so lucky. Yes, to us five guys, women like these are heroic. Of course, this is not to say that the men are without their own brand of inner strength.
Heroes? I’ve got your heroes. How about Colin Firth’s singularly Romeo-esque marriage proposal in Love Actually, Hugh Grant’s last-minute plea for a normal love affair with a not-so-normal girl in Notting Hill, or Anthony Hopkins’ tender father-son moment in Shadowlands, as he mourns the loss of his wife? Trust me, when this group watches these scenes, there’s not a dry eye in the house. In fact, as I write this, I struggle to push back my own tears as I recollect past viewings.
For three years, we came together every month or so with hearts on our sleeves and handkerchiefs in our hands for an evening of male bonding. It’s clear that we all enjoyed the time we spent collectively, relishing some home-cooked food and a movie, not afraid of having a good cry or two.
Of course, sometimes life intrudes and even the best of things must end. About a year ago the group disbanded as family, career, and geography got in the way of us having a longer run. But I miss the opportunity to bond with men of like minds, not afraid to be moved by this type of movie and dip their hands into a box of Kleenex from time to time. I am hoping that I can resurrect the group here in Boston. I mean, what’s a good movie without a sequel, right? Crying Guys: the Tears Continue.
So, if you see yourself as this type of man and are interested in helping me restart this band of bawling brothers, drop me an email. For you men in other cities that are so inclined, I encourage you to form your own local group (do I smell a movement?) of Crying Guys. After all, we’re just boys being boys, “standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.”
—Photo tourist_on_earth/Flickr
yeah paul if you bet your group going again you may want to watch simon birch on of the best friedship movies i have ever seen. when wife and seen it there was only three of us in the theater there was one other lidy a good thing because the three of us flooded the theater with tears. like i said before wish i was in boston i would love bonding with another bawling brother.
if i was in boston i would love to be part of the group. i love movies that make me cry
My wife and I watch sappy romantic movies together all the time. Often we are both shedding a few tears by the end, either because it is really sad or really happy. Our standing joke is that for me, I just have something in my eye, because us big, tough masculine guys never cry. What a bunch of BS. If I am really sad, I cry (like at my mother’s funeral). If I am really happy, I cry (like at my oldest son’s wedding). If I am really angry or frustrated, I also cry, but those are more tears of… Read more »
Hey Paul, your story is AWESOME! 🙂 Thank you for sharing it. If I’d live around you, I’d be happy to share your meetings. I love watching a good movie and crying. I can do it even in theaters; people around often feel awkard, but it’s not my problem. I’m not ashamed of my feelings – nobody should be. It’s our most precious part. BTW, “Love Actually” is fantastic! You should love “The Lake House” as well: nice story, good acting, not too cliché, and Sandra Bullock. 🙂 To all the people feeling uncomfortable (and commenting negatively) about crying in… Read more »
‘Shadowlands’…yep, that one almost got me. The only film that made me lose it, in pubic, was ‘Sophie’s Choice.’ I was in the Army at the time, and had gone to see it with a bunch of my fellow soldiers. The scene where Sophie had to choose which child would live or die brought me to the edge of tears. But, the scene at the very end of the film, where the narrator says: “When I awoke it wasn’t judgement day. Only morning, excellent and fair” made me lose it. I cried for 15 minutes, in a theater, in full… Read more »
Hey Paul, thanks for sending me the link to your article. Enjoyed reading and your point of view. Thought it neat you guys got together to see these flicks or weren’t ashamed to cry. As for me , with these films, they aren’t my type for crying, but, hey, to each his own.
Funny, I see you are in Boston and I grew up in Boston, Mass.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. Sherri
Sorry, the shirt and tie give it away. If you have to cry do it with your partner. Not even my gay brother (yes for real) gets together with a bunch of his friends to bawl over a sap story. Laugh with your friends, do both with your partner.
How lovely- this is why I read ridiculous romance novels even though I’m an English graduate and should know better! Sometimes it’s nice to know everything will go right in the end; especially when it isn’t for you at the moment. I think that’s what makes me cry at those movies and books.
“But I miss the opportunity to bond with men of like minds…” Paul, I really liked your article. I’m disappointed with some of the judgmental comments. There just really is no need for that. You get to be whatever type of man you want, and all men and women express emotions somewhere along a spectrum. I don’t think there is any dividing line past which men should not go, and the same for women. Who appoints themselves the rule-makers on this anyway?! I wish people could just live and let live, and not feel they need to put someone down… Read more »
You get to be whatever type of man you want, and all men and women express emotions somewhere along a spectrum.
But do het women generally agree with your notion. I was struck by the lack of women replying in support of this article. Very struck. On the Male Lust articles, plenty of women.
Jameseq, I honestly don’t know, and don’t speak for other women regarding this. I come from an emotional family with a father and brothers who can cry openly. I also married a man like that, and I love his sensitivity. But recently one of my brothers made a similar comment to me. He told me that he thinks a lot of women *don’t* like for men to be emotional, sensitive, or show vulnerability. I think he’s right. So probably, women differ greatly on how they feel about this.
I come from a typically repressed WASPy family and I don’t like it when anybody cries, men or women. Take it into the bathroom! 🙂
But on a serious note, I think it’s great if men can cry. I wish I could cry without feeling embarassed.
Jill if you don’t mind me sharing a story with you..I remember losing my big brother to street violence in 1997. I went to his funeral in my full Marine Corp Dress Blue Uniform. I got there and started sobbing in the arms of one of my favorite cousin when 3 Male family members pulled me to the side and orders me to keep it together.
The sad truth is that the world values us more when we have a Commanding Presence.
Btw Happy Birthday to USMC! Kicking ass since 10 November 1775 oooRah!
@Budmin: “3 Male family members pulled me to the side and orders me to keep it together”
Ugh, that was awful! It was your brother and you weren’t even allowed your pain.
@Budmin: “world values us more when we have a Commanding Presence”
Well, the world can suck my sock! 😉
I love when a man is able to freely express his feelings (crying included), and I think that makes you a real man. You being a Marine makes it even more true (and out of old stinky stereotypes).
And I’m sorry for your loss.
jameseq – I agree with the above comment in many ways. I’m very disappointed with the judgemental comments, and I believe that all people (regardless of sex!) are comfortable with different levels of emotional expression. It would be nice if some of the commentors could be open to a more broad definition of manhood, rather than clinging to outdated definitions in such a narrow way.
Good for you guys!! Crying is a wonderfully cleansing way to a) keep our feelings alive, b) wash thru any sadness we build up in our lives and c) deal with some of our original pain, anger and hurt from childhood. Me, and my guy friends get together and to it a little differently. First, the ladies are welcome, too, but secondly, and most importantly, we get together to DEAL with our own pain, with support, love and encouragement! Any of us can “call a meeting” to deal with sadness, anger, depression, guilt, whatever… with the non-judgmental support and love… Read more »
You ever think you can “be real” and choose not to cry in front of people?
Also, if my group of friends NEVER judged me and blew sunshine up my ass all the time, they wouldn’t be good friends. If anything, my friends and I rip on each other constantly. And when one of us is being a douchebag, we don’t call a meeting about it. We say “Hey. Douchebag. Knock it off.”
I hope that doesn’t stunt our all-too-important EQ.
“Please, you macho guys who are not in touch with your feelings, please don’t criticize those who are, and who actively deal with them. The strongest man I know is the man who’s strong enough to be real, and cry.”
I’m fully in touch with my feelings without needing to get together with a bunch of men to have a cry fest. I manage to expess my feelings to my wife, children, other family members and friends all the time, without uncontrollable sobbing.
I’m glad you’ve been watching movies you enjoy, Paul. The type you describe do nothing for me, but hey–to each his own.
Wow. This is just…wow. I’m not against crying in front of my friends. I’ve done it. And I hug each of my guy friends every time we see each other. I love them, so why wouldn’t I? But what I haven’t done (nor will I ever do) is get together with them for the sole purpose of watching movies that bring about tears. It just seems…weird. For some reason, most of the male writers at GMP have involved themselves in some sort of race to see who can prove themselves the antithesis of the “stereotypical male” the fastest. I don’t… Read more »
Lol. My thoughts exactly.
Ditto, even as a gay man I found this article made me cring.
‘even as’? it depends what type of gay man you are. As a masculine bi-man, i would expect tears to come more frequently from feminine gay men than from masculine gay men
“most of the male writers at GMP have involved themselves in some sort of race to see who can prove themselves the antithesis of the “stereotypical male” the fastest. ”
The message seems to be that good men are either women or homosexuals.
I’m proud to be an average heterosexual guy too. Not a single thing wrong with that.
Heroes? I’ve got your heroes. How about Colin Firth’s singularly Romeo-esque marriage proposal in Love Actually, Hugh Grant’s last-minute plea for a normal love affair with a not-so-normal girl in Notting Hill, or Anthony Hopkins’ tender father-son moment in Shadowlands, as he mourns the loss of his wife? Trust me, when this group watches these scenes, there’s not a dry eye in the house. Paul, do you feel your friends and you were usually tearing over the specific scenes. Or was it more cover, to allow you all to cry stress cathartically out of your system? Interesting article. Why should… Read more »
Jameseq,
I suspect you are right about those repressed tears. They may not just represent the most immediate action that we think makes us cry, but some might have been stored inside us somwhere unable to find their way until something prompts us emotionally. Thanks for the comment and provoking a new thought.
What, were you chopping onions at the same time? I’ve seen a good number of the movies you alluded to, and they aren’t all that sad or moving. Most are light rom-com fare (e.g. “While you were Sleeping”). My wife and sisters don’t even cry when watching that kind of stuff. Based on the title and all the crying, I figured you must have come together to watch Beaches over and over, or something.
The only movies that get me misty eyed are father son schmutz like Red Steel, Toy Story 3 or ROCKY 4. any thing else and I’d be running to the doctor to get my estrogen checked.