The Curious Case of Open Relationships

Long before the whole Will Smith controversy, a lot of people have already started exploring the concept of open relationships.

As our society continues to say goodbye to what we believe to be traditional customs, we’ve also begun to adopt different ideas when it comes to love and dating.

One of these takes is the modern spin to the old concept of non-monogamy.

But as someone who was born and raised in a largely conservative country, and whose job now involves helping people build loving and committed partnerships, the casual way people seem to think that non-monogamy is an option for everybody has me a little on edge.

Allow me to articulate why.

Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea

One of the most common pitches people make when promoting open relationships is for commitment and freedom to not be mutually exclusive — that you can have your cake and eat it, too.

As a Filipina, I come from a culture that places strong emphasis on monogamy and traditional family values. I was made to understand at a young age that one man is for one woman, and after tying the knot, a couple is expected to be with each other for the rest of their lives — and only with each other.

Granted, I’ve outgrown a lot of the beliefs I held when I was younger, especially since being a professional matchmaker pushes me to be flexible in all the ways love and dating can evolve. However, there are still things that, personally and professionally, I continue to consider as enduring.

Yes, open relationships reject the requirement of exclusivity to give people more options, but there are still those who prefer the comfort that comes with a partner they don’t have to share — and these people’s choice is just as worthy of respect.

It still comes down to lifestyle and preference. Some have moral or religious reservations against non-monogamy.

There are also couples who are long past the experimental and adventurous stage of having multiple lovers — which is a major selling point for open relationships. For many, there’s always going to be something sacrosanct about being someone’s one and only.

Others simply feel that it can’t satisfy their deeper needs. Non-monogamy has existed for a long time in many cultures, but its modern version appears more focused on the multiple-partner aspect rather than the big-family aspect. It still deviates from the usual image of family.

The More Isn’t Always the Merrier

The biggest qualms for those of us who are relatively new to this concept usually have to do with stability and security.

Sometimes, traditional still works best, and having multiple lovers while being in a relationship doesn’t offer the security of tradition.

Open relationships can also introduce a lot of risks that some people are just not comfortable with.

If not negotiated properly, non-monogamy can be a recipe for problematic dynamics. There’s a reason it’s so often confused with cheating, after all. This is why the idea continues to be taboo in some communities.

Other dangers also include the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases, jealousy, and abuse by unfaithful partners looking to take advantage of the situation. Some may even end up with an inability to grow as a couple as a result of having to divide both time and attention among so many people.

And those issues are just about the partners. We’re not even involving children just yet.

Personally, I still have trouble really grasping the full scope of this concept. Maybe it’s because I am old fashioned, or my views are a product of a lifetime seeing people pair up with the loves of their lives, but a huge part of me continues to relish the idea of coming home to one person at the end of the day.

Nevertheless, I try my best not to judge. It’s also important for the rest of us not to criticize those who may decide that open relationships are for them.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what arrangement a couple follows. Everyone should still learn how to choose good lovers — whether for casual flings or for long-term committed partnerships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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