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Alyssa Royse explains how our current predator/prey model of sexual relationships is harmful to both men and women.
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Jamie Peck over at The Gloss, wrote a great little piece asking a great big question: Can Men Write About Sex Without Sounding Like Douchebags? In asking, however, she wasn’t pointing at men and suggesting they are douchebags so much as she was pointing at all of us and suggesting that we have a tendency to demonize male sexuality. She rightly points out that most of the men who achieve any sort of status and acceptability in writing about sex are somewhere on the gender queer spectrum.
Puzzling.
I was trying to wrap my head around why that was, and unable to come up with anything really to contradict it, when the incredibly brilliant Sabrina Morgan left the following comment on Facebook:
Cis men are also in the position of the cultural desirer, never the desired; many genuinely believe that since “no one” finds them sexy/since their sexuality is considered threatening, no one wants to hear what they have to say about sex.
God, that woman is brilliant. And she’s right. It is at least possible that women love the likes of Dan Savage because he is in no way threatening to us. I could be drunk, dirty-dancing on his lap and he’d be all like, “bitch, please, put that shit away.” I like to think he’d also give me warm milk and tuck me in, but who knows. The point is, he is no threat to me.
But more than that, he is an ally. He has, time and time again, stood up for the rights of women to have full agency and autonomy over our bodies, spoken out against rape culture, and generally paved the way for an open dialog about human sexuality and our right to it. Charlie Glickman can write about sex and sexuality without being called a douchebag, but he is also widely considered queer, and not a threat to anyone.
But to Sabrina’s point, what of the cisgender men? Specifically, heterosexual cis men? How we read their words has so much to do with what we, as a society, assume about their sexuality and how it manifests. Society seems to have set heterosexuality up as a thing that involves men pursuing, and women either accepting or rejecting—mostly rejecting.
This starts young. I live in Seattle, which is, by any standard, a very progressive city. Many of us do a mommy / daughter sex-ed class at Seattle Children’s Hospital as our daughters get close to starting menstruation. In the session of the class that is less about biology and more about navigating sexuality, the presenter offered the idea that girls would have to start learning how to say “no” to boys who were going to want to touch them sexually.
I looked at my daughter, who sort of rolled her eyes at me. And the woman went on, listing the many ways that girls could rebuff boys. I looked at my daughter again, and she said, “go ahead mom.” And I did. I raised my hand and said, “Can we also talk about how to teach girls to say ‘yes’ to sexuality. Can we teach them that sex is about pleasure for all parties involved, and that learning how to identify and say ‘yes’ to things that give them pleasure is how they learn to draw their boundaries and say ‘no’ to things that don’t.”
She replied that surely I could understand that protecting girls from boys was more important. I told her that I surely did not see it that way.
But it starts that young. Yes, girls are told that boys are predatory and somehow out of control. The corollary there is that boys are told they are predators, and out of control. Therefore, not a desirable thing, but a thing to defend against. From the get-go, we are teaching our kids to fear male sexuality, and to repress female sexuality.
As they age, and their media exposure extends beyond the protective (and crappy) bubble of children’s programming, we see example after example of men having to pull huge gestures to lure women into sex, or catch them, or trick them. Just off the top of my head: In Superbad when one of the guys talks about getting girls drunk enough that they can be “that mistake;” in Spiderman when he shoots a web to catch the girl who said “no” half a dozen times, pulling her in for an epic kiss that leaves them both breathless; in Anchorman when the guy uses a cologne made with “bits of real panther” that “60% of the time works every time” to get the girl. I could go on and on, but that point is that popular culture sets up this idea that men are sexual predators who need to resort to trickery and cologne to fulfill their one and only mission, which is sticking their penis in a girl.
It’s sad. It’s insulting. And it’s damaging.
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This way of looking at male sexuality conflates sexuality with predation. It means that he who posseses sexuality is assumed a predator.
That is obviously damaging to the vast majority of men who simply are not. They want and like sex just as much as the rest of us. However, it’s downright dangerous when you extrapolate that out to situations like the horror of Stubenville. It is this line of thinking that allows people to say, “boys will be boys.” As if this kind of predation is just natural for guys, when in fact it is not normal for guys to be predators. Most men are not predators.
Steubenville, and the way-too-many incidents like it, are not examples of natural male sexuality. There are examples of a violent rape culture than perpetuates the idea that predation is the natural manifestation of sex.
So with this in our mind’s eye, no, it is not possible for us to believe that heterosexual cis men can write about sex without being douchebags. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart as someone who loves men, in a whole lot of ways.
You do not need to trick us into sex, in fact, you shouldn’t. And you don’t need a cologne with bits of real panther to attract us. In fact, lay off the stuff, seriously. A little dab’ll do ya.
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So, how can we all work together to change our collective impression of male sexuality as something that is dangerous and disgusting? Besides the obvious—understanding male privilege, dismantling of patriarchal mythology and ending rape culture? Those issues are far too big for me to take on here, but without accomplishing those three, nothing changes. So while we work toward those goals, here are some steps to take along that path:
1. Be an ally. Help us stop the violence against women. I am assuming that none of you would do what happened in Stubenville, but would you have helped stop it? Have you been vocal about how wrong it was? About how that should not represent you or your sexuality? From a societal perspective, we need your help. From a personal perspective, when we feel safe, we let our guards down, and that’s the first step to an intimate connection.
2. Ask women what they want, and listen to what they tell you. We are all different; we all want different things from the men in our life. Rather than getting lost in a frustrated guessing game, ask us. Listen to our answers. Tell us what you want, with words, and listen to our responses. Whether it’s sex or any other relationship, the best way to not be seen as predatory is to not act like a predator. And that means communication, not acquisition. Which, by the way, is also called consent. “Yes” is the safest word of all.
3. Let us in, don’t lure us in. Lay off the cologne, the pick-up lines, and the games. Please. Trust that you do not need to trick people into wanting you. Trust that you are worthy, just as you are. And that you deserve someone who wants you for who you actually are, how you actually are.
4. Don’t take it personally. Your self worth is in no way connected to whether or not some girl (or guy) wants you. I am constantly telling people to “Consider Cilantro.” (Seriously, I need that on a t-shirt.) Some people love cilantro. Some people think that cilantro tastes like tinfoil soaked in dish soap. That in no way reflects on the worthiness of cilantro. And cilantro never takes it personally. If you can, don’t even think of it as rejection, you are just cilantro sometimes. After all, you’re not attracted to every person you meet, why would every person you meet be attracted to you?
5. And lastly, know that your body is beautiful. I, like most females, was warned that penises and balls and anuses were gross. I was told to hold my nose, close my eyes, get it over with. Imagine my disappointment when I saw my first penis and there were no festering boils hissing my name, no sulfurous clouds wafting up from a menacing member. I thought it was kind of cute. As I learned more about them, I grew to love them, in and out. Hell, there are times when I was sure I heard angels giving hummers on high when I’ve see one. Most of us straight chicks really like your bodies. You don’t need to trick us into liking them. That is what makes us straight, after all.
However, they are not lures, and we are not fish. Do not, ever, show them to us unless we ask for it. The bonus for you is that when we ask for it, it’s because we want it, so you aren’t really risking rejection at that point, Mr. Cilantro.
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I am sorry that generations of lazy storytelling and bad media have perpetuated the myths of men as predators and women as victims. Or the idea that women’s purity is what can redeem the nastiness of male sexuality. It is wrong for both men and women alike.
But the only way we’re going to change it is together, and it’s gonna take time. We need to all be better. Oh, hey, I know, we need to come together—if we want to, that is. You can also come alone. Or with someone else. Ain’t no skin off my back, as long as it’s all consensual. And, hopefully, pleasurable.
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This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo: iStock
I’d like a night with the author though!!😂
Why choosing an illustration wich is doing exactly what you are critizing ?
I don’t see what you are talking about.
Very interesting read. Lots of good stuff within. I did find step #3 to be a little naive or incomplete though. The writer asks men to lay off the cheesy seduction tactics but doesn’t address how widely important status, resources and masculIne traits (height!) are to many many women. I think a little empathy for men who cannot compete on that playing field would be helpful. Step #4 tries to address the issue of rejection but it’s not super-helpful for men who are *systematically* rejected. Of course women don’t owe any particular man anything but more understanding all round seems… Read more »
Nice info but I have spent a lifetime being an ally, supporter, protector and generally more advanced man only be too often tossed into the “friend zone” while they run off with an obvious player, gamer or preditor. Women say they loath that but their actions speak otherwise. Never seems to work for them. Some even fall for other women who play caricators of the worst qualities of men. I dislike ‘cis’ prefixes. Why play label games on the majority just because a minority of people have gender dysphoria?
Why does being an ally entitle you to get into a relationship with someone? It’s a cool thing to be one, yes, but that doesn’t directly correlate with you getting into a relationship with a specific woman. If you’re only an ally to get laid, then you’re not a real one…
I don’t know Charles, why put seatbelts in every car just because a minority have car accidents?
While I do agree with most of the article, the author’s advice, once again, focuses on what men can do for women. She defeats her own point
You still seem to make the exact same mistakes tbh, just dress them up a little nicer. In order to express sexuality healthily men must be “good allies” How is this different to the old attitude that women should be subservient? Why talk about rape culture at all? It’s a junk term that is misused horribly, was STOLEN from it’s actual merit worthy use (in describing the levels of rape male inmates suffer and the fast nobody cares) Was stubenville rape culture? Nope. It was some privileged college kids being protected at all costs because of money and connections. Nothing… Read more »
http://menalive.com/the-one-thing-men-want-more-than-sex/
This is what men really want and why.
I don’t like being called cisgender, and I don’t think most people even knows what it means. It feels derogatory to me, and isn’t that what we are trying to fight in this equality debate?
You don’t have to identify as cisgender if you don’t want to. You can identify as trans, or gender fluid, or simply not choose a gender identity at all if you want to. Cisgender is generally used to refer to people who still identify wholly as the gender they were born as, so can refer to women or men. It’s not derogatory, it’s simply a word used to help differentiate trans men and cis men when discussing topics in which it is relevant, like this one, where a trans man would be seen as less of a “threat” were he… Read more »
Can straight cis men write about sex without offensive misogynistic attitudes coming out? Well, let’s have one of them give it a try and see what comes out.
What I have difficulty with here is not that there is danger in demonizing male sensuality: I’m having difficulty with the reality that men do prowl. They talk about “getting some” and that usually includes some manipulative behavior to convince a female that they see her as a person. I am not comfortable with the idea that I have a vagina and I’m keeping it from them. Should I not be able to own my own desires? Should I not be able to make my own choices separate from being manipulated? Maybe things have changed.
We live in a world where women engage in several behaviours that are ignored in this conversation (or excused because “muh women have it worse” 1) false accusations. These are not uncommon. We REGULARLY see video evidence of women to make these accusations over things as trivial as cab fare. Almost everyone appreciates how difficult accusations are to prove and so vindictive accusations are rarely prosecuted. 2) Parental entrapment. I know from immediate experience (personal friends and family) that women will sabotage birth control to conceive with the EXPRESS refusal of a partner. Again, this isn’t unusual. There are also… Read more »
You know that ‘Ally’ is a derogatory term used by feminist to state that men can’t be friends, right?
And, you’re advising “be an ally” – what should we deduce from that?
Also, if you accept that most of the men are not predators, then why proceed to give a list of DOs and Don’ts??!!
Where do you get the idea that an “ally” is a derogatory term? It’s simply a word to use for a man who supports women’s causes. Many women are friends with men who are allys and some are also friends with men who do not always support women very well.
The list of dos and don’ts is not just for men, it is for all of us, to be aware of and to help decrease the perception of men as predators.
“Ally” is a derogatory term in the context of feminism and gender dynamics since it’s a typical feminist argument nowadays, “men can’t be feminists, they can only be allies”.
And, the only way you can bind people in a limit of a set code of DOs and DON’Ts, is by creating a totalitarian society.
Thank you thank you thank you!
You are forgetting about one of the number one reasons why women are taught to reject male sexuality. The women who don’t reject and give them a hard time are the ones who are demonized and given the reputation of a slut. Most men will assume that a woman who wants sex right away and doesn’t make him wait must of course do that with every man she meets. It really does go both ways
We at the BroadwY show DEFENDING THE CAVEMAN have been saying this since 1991. Healthy male sexuality does NOT include predatory behavior. Quite the opposite.
We believe that a healthy CIA relationship is composed of two people with different strengths coming together to make a partnership which is stronger than the individuals.
Yes, well, being an ally doesn’t help. I was raised a Quaker, to treat women equally, and I do stand up for feminism etc. I’m probably about the nicest person you would ever want to meet. But I’m 6’4″ and have a beard, and women cross to the other side of the street if they see me coming towards them on a sidewalk at night, because they’ve all been taught to be afraid of me at first sight. They’ve all been taught to assume I’m trying to trick them. And it was seriously demoralizing, back when I was single.
It’s even more demoralising being raped and/ or sexually assaulted. And women don’t know in advance, which men will rape them and which won’t. So we have to exercise caution. sorry if that demoralises you. When men stop raping and assaulting women, we won’t have to be cautious around you anymore and you can stop being demoralised.
Thank You! ????
ha.
Good joke. Not everyone is out to rape you, only the loud minority.
Your logic is stupid and you should feel bad.
Wow that last sentence was a good one. Let’s try it with a few word substitutions:
“When muslims stop killing people and committing terrorist acts, we won’t have to be cautious around them anymore and they can stop feeling demoralized.”
Yep, pretty problematic logic right here…
I really enjoyed this article, and am glad someone wrote it, but the demonization of male sexuality is a large part of the reason men feel the need to “trick” or “lure” in women. It’s easy to say, “just ask and we’ll tell you.” But that’s very rarely fact. Everyone is always so concerned with motive that very rarely can a guy ask a question with pure intent without it being misconstrued as being perverse or having some underlying intent. In our modern society the pursuit of simple knowledge has been made out to be such a scary, threatening, self… Read more »
Well I write about it all the time and I’m straight! 😉
I love the unifying undertone of this. You’re on track for where we need to go as a human society. We need to be healing our wounds in ways that aren’t leaving worse ones in our wake.
I was loving your essay right up until #1: be an ally. A lot of us tried that. We were turned into a meme, hashtag, trope: #notallmen. Now we mostly keep our mouths shut and fingers still on the keyboards while we quietly teach our sons and daughters about consent, jiujitsu, and the toxicity of modern neo-feminism.
Just as a counter-balance, not all of us went from “tried” to bitterly scorned. Most of us aren’t teaching our kids about any toxicity of modern feminist anything. We’re not stupid enough to associate the poor behaviour of individuals with a broad ethos, and let it turn us off something as big as equality. Okay, peace!
Being an ally is not about waiting for a woman to share her lived experience of misogyny or discrimination and to come in and tell her about how most men aren’t like that. It’s about listening and thinking about if you’ve ever acted that way without knowing the impact you were having, or if you’ve ever seen a friend do it and not confronting them. It’s when you use a woman’s experience of toxic masculinity as an attack on all men and a reason to defend them all.
I tried to be an ally. My kindness was seen as weakness. All I got was bullying and “you’re a sucker for punishment”. By the end of our relationship, I was completely neurotic. Bollocks to that. I’m strong, self empowered, kind, thoughtful, tolerant and progressive, an advocate for minorities and mental health, but I won’t make that mistake again. I felt completely emasculated, and yet still continue to find and show love.
Wow, this seems kind of offensive to me, a Cis Heterosexual male. You just went on and on about how we should not demonize men’s sexuality, and then you ended it by giving men a list of examples on how to not be so demony. Wow, where is the list for women to not treat men like demons? Where is the list for women that explains how an obese man, much like an obese woman, can be sexy and desired for their sex? It seems to me, that you forgot all about the humanizing point of view during the conclusion… Read more »
A little dab’ll will do ya. They’ll love to get their fingers in your hair.
Yes, thank you!
This is a difficult topic because men for the most part are the pursuers and there’s a fine line between manipulation and seduction. I just feel bad for guys because there aren’t any good resources to help them understand women. For instance, the 5 examples she gives on how we can “work together” were really weak and vague. She explains the problem but then offers no good solution. People need book and podcasts recommendations not a short list of tips. If your looking for a real resource on how men can understand women there’s an article called “How to understand… Read more »
How to understand women doesn’t require a book. The first step is realizing that women are human beings just like men, which means there is no one size fits all approach. Seriously. Try interacting with women as if they are people and you’ll be shocked at far you get.
In not demonising male sexuality could we possibly also not insult the brain? I felt dumber after reading this, should come with a health warning.
“But the only way we’re going to change it is together, and it’s gonna take time. We need to all be better. Oh, hey, I know, we need to come together—if we want to, that is.”
If we “wanna” surely.
Do people get paid for this?
Pleasurable should be the goal over consensual. I think consensual aims pretty low
Yes, consensual, if that is all you are aiming for, is pretty low. But consensual is the minimum. Many people don’t even know how to aim for that, and instead accept coercion, guilt, and any other means to achieve the desired outcome. I personally have had 2 people THIS WEEK try to manipulate me into relations that I did not want. As a woman dating in this world, yes, I aim for pleasure in my encounters. But my main focus has to be on my own safety. Because lots of people are more than happy to explain away their own… Read more »
As someone e who has worked in bars and nightclubs for a very long time, I have to say if you think guilt and coercion is something only men do you are sorely, sorely mistaken. I think you missed the entire point of this article. Yeah, some men are bad people. That doesn’t preclude women from being equally awful people. I have never walked up to a girl at a bar and grabbed her crotch, but I can assure you that hasn’t stopped a large number of girls from doing just that to me. The whole point of this article… Read more »
At no point does the comment above say that only men are bad people. The commenter merely states that as a woman dating today HER main concern has to be with safety. This does not negate the situations of others but is a lived experience – telling people that this is the case is not crying wolf or proliferating stereotypes in an unsubstantiated manner. Two people THIS WEEK have tried to persuade her to do things she didn’t want to. Being part of the solution includes not berating people for sharing their experience or trying to storytop by adding tales… Read more »