Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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we have a podcast did you know this it’s
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called love life with Matthew Hussey and
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it’s really really good we think we did
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a podcast this week based on an email
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that came in to podcast Matthew
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hussey.com from one of our listeners and
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we just thought it would make a great
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video before we get into this email
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which I think you’re going to find
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fascinating I want to let you know that
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we have a free guide over at
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moveonstrong.com if you are someone who
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has had a breakup or someone go cold
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someone that you’re struggling to get
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over and you’re wondering either how do
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I move on or how do I have the kind of
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high value communication that could
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rekindle something if that’s the right
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thing and that’s a big if I talk about
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it in this free video over at
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moveonstrong.com go check it out now so
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I’m going to read you this email because
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it also comes from what some might feel
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is an unlikely place it’s also a
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question that is deeply relevant to so
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many people even though the details of
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this are somewhat unique and interesting
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she says and I won’t mention her by name
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even though she didn’t ask for this to
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be kept Anonymous but I sort of felt
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given the nature of it we should this
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may be a bit unorthodox to be asking for
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advice since I myself am a prominent
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dating coach for men specializing in
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seduction and attraction however we all
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know that sometimes things are too close
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to home and we need an unbiased opinion
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me and this guy have been seeing each
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other steadily about once to twice a
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week for about three and a half months
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but this guy is different than your
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average bear first off he’s a celebrity
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in his own right in a certain sector of
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Hollywood not going into detail but he
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is a big big deal he values talented
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women and drive he loves to hear all
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about my growing business things have
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been going very well between us but I
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could tell there’s something there a
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blockade of sorts and I was right about
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a month ago he confided in me all of
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this intense trauma he went through
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during the pandemic and with his last
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relationship big deal stuff huge because
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this guy is a big deal in his world so
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his problems aren’t just your typical we
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had a big conversation tears were shed
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and all in all it was a beautiful
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morning of us being completely
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vulnerable with each other this is when
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I really started to fall for him two
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weeks ago I asked him what are you
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looking for in dating I clarified by
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saying not that I feel any decisions
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need to be made now but I will say that
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I’m getting in too deep for this to be a
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casual fling and I asked if dating could
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be a possibility in the future he said
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yes we had another conversation about it
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last week I wanted to know if he was
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seeing other girls since I myself ended
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things with another guy and I genuinely
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don’t feel like going on other dates he
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clarified if you’re asking if I’m seeing
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anyone else
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consistently then no I’m not which I
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don’t know what that means exactly the
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conversation basically led to him
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revealing that he’s been putting off the
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what are we conversation because of all
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the trauma and PTSD surrounding his ex
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and the responsibility of being a
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boyfriend he says he knows it’s unfair
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to me since I’m nothing like her and
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that he promised he will start bringing
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up dating again in therapy I don’t want
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to give up on this guy but how long do I
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wait what to do during this limbo time
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it’s not like it’s been months and
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months and he’s still not committing but
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it’s also feeling like this is a barrier
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we either need to cross together or the
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place I leave him behind I’m going to
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refer to this person as Lisa
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um and I want to say firstly to Lisa
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that I really like that last sentence
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let’s sense that uh is this something
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that I should keep going with or the
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place I leave him behind so I want to
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make three points about this number one
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the non-sequitur of celebrity you’ll
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notice that throughout this email she
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keeps referring to what a big deal this
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person is to what celebrity this person
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is as if that’s relevant information
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when it comes to the core of this email
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the core of the email being my needs
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aren’t getting met what’s really
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happening is she wants the safety and
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the security of knowing that this person
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actually wants to be with her for a real
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relationship which is one of her core
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needs and she’s not getting that met but
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instead of saying hey I’ve got this guy
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and he’s not committing and I want to
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know what to do three and a half months
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in because he doesn’t actually appear to
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be willing to have the conversation
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about what we are she’s saying I’ve got
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this guy and before I say anything else
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let me pre-face this with how big of a
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deal this guy is and it’s almost like
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she’s trying to sell me first
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on how big of a deal this guy is so that
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I give him leeway too most people aren’t
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dating a celebrity but you could be
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dating someone successful someone
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extremely physically attractive someone
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who has achieved a lot someone who is
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renowned in their particular World
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someone who has status when we’re dating
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someone and we keep referencing that
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part of them it starts to become
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revealing of how much we value that part
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of them and why do we value that part of
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them so much because we think that it
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does something for our worth
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if we think that our stock is Rising by
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being with someone like that then we see
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that quality as really important and we
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don’t want to lose it we start to see
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that person as rare will I ever get
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someone like this again I might not and
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you can feel her fear in losing him even
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in the conversation that she has with
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him that’s supposed to be a conversation
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about boundaries where she says hey I
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don’t want to do the casual thing
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anymore I asked him what are you looking
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for in dating I clarified by saying not
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that I feel any decisions need to be
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made now well now you’ve just removed
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all of the stakes from the conversation
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I’m not going anywhere even if you tell
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me you’re not looking for anything in
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dating no decisions need to be made now
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what decision are we talking about we’re
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not talking about marriage we’re talking
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about
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perhaps you don’t sleep with anyone else
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right now and I don’t sleep with anyone
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else right now and we see where this
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goes it’s not the biggest decision in
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the world can we just also talk about
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the fact that when asked if he was
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seeing anybody else he says
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if you’re asking me if I’m seeing anyone
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else consistently
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I didn’t say consistently I just said
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are you seeing anyone else you added
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consistently now the second point I want
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to make I am calling the Goldilocks pain
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Paradox yes it’s a mouthful Jameson why
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do I call it the Goldilocks pain Paradox
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this guy
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is citing pain
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as the reason why he can’t give her what
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she wants and well she says he’s he’s
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not your average bear didn’t she in the
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email and I was thinking of uh
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Goldilocks and the Three Bears
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in this particular fairy tale he would
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actually be Goldilocks I like to think
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of this guy having these three different
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porridges the two cold too hot and just
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right the two cold porridge is him
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saying not having sex with you
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not getting the girlfriend experience
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from you not being able to see you
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whenever I want for the intimacy that I
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crave too cold giving you a relationship
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and actually investing in you and not
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being with anyone else
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too hard having sex with you and seeing
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you when I want to see you but not
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having a relationship with you in other
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words meeting all of the needs I want to
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meet but not meeting the core needs that
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you want to meet just right that is the
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Goldilocks pain Paradox I love the idea
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that someone has just the right amount
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of pain
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that allows them to meet all of their
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needs but none of the big ones you have
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I don’t have enough pain that we
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shouldn’t be having sex but I do have a
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bit too much pain for us to have a
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relationship that’s when you have to
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start to suspect what someone is telling
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you now this idea of pain
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brings me on to point number three you
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can either focus on their reasons or
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your reality I don’t know this man but
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it’s entirely possible that there is
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real PTSD from things that he’s been
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through in the last couple of years that
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make it impossible for him to have a
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relationship right now where he’s truly
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committed and invested it’s also
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possible that this is a very elaborate
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excuse for not committing on the level
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that she wants so that he can continue
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to sleep with other people the point is
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we don’t know and it’s not our job to
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find out it’s our job to measure our own
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reality and say is this reality making
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me happy and then to have a conversation
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with this person where we say
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look I know that if I liked someone that
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much
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I would want to give it a try
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even if there were things in my past
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that made it difficult I don’t need it
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to be we’re getting married I don’t need
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it to be we know we’re going to be
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together because we don’t know each
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other well enough yet all I know is that
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I’m willing to actually give it a try
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with you
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and to not be with other people right
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now while we see where this goes if
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you’re not willing to do that that’s
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okay and your reasons may be valid for
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that but it doesn’t change my reality my
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reality is that I’m with someone who’s
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not ready for a relationship and that
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means I have to take my energy and
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direct it elsewhere don’t allow
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someone’s reasons to make you forget
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your reality your actions shouldn’t be
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based on their reasons they should be
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based on your reality and before I make
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my last point of this video make sure
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you do go over to moveonstrong.com if
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you’ve got someone in your life that you
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felt good about and then all of a sudden
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for whatever reason it fell apart you
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want to know either how to communicate
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in a really high value way to make that
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situation go somewhere or you want to
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move on from that person once and for
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all go over to moveonstrong.com I’ve got
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a free video waiting there for you now
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the last thing I want to say is to Lisa
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directly firstly it takes massive
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courage if you’re in a position where
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you’re helping and coaching other people
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and you’re an authority figure it takes
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huge vulnerability to admit that I’m
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struggling with something and I commend
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you for that I have the utmost
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compassion for what you’re going through
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when you like someone and when you’ve
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got caught up with someone and it feels
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like you’re not getting what you need
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from it it that’s a painful place to be
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I just want to remind you to do what’s
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right by your happiness not what’s right
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by your ego and I think if you listen to
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your happiness you’ll see that the right
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thing to do is either let this person
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know that there needs to be a path
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forward where you’re exclusive or that
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you need to move on and give your energy
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to something or somebody else and that
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there should be no real gray area
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between those two things thank you I
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love you all leave me a comment let me
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know what you thought of this video like
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this video subscribe to this channel hit
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the notification Bell so that the next
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time I have a video you are notified and
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I’ll see you then
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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