The Day You Start to Believe It Will Stop Hurting

“No one dies from love; I guess I’ll be the first.”

That lyric from Tove Lo kept swimming around my head after I first heard it. It perfectly captures a cruel truth about romantic love: we all confidently assure our friends that their heartbreak will heal in time, and yet when we’re the heartbroken ones, we remain convinced it won’t. We are certain we will be the first to die from love.

It’s easy to lose all perspective when we’re in pain after a breakup or some other form of rejection from someone we love. Even time takes on a new meaning — weeks can feel like months or years. The emotional hole we fall into can be so deep that the idea it will ever stop hurting seems impossible.

But there will come a day when you start to believe that it will stop eventually. The arrival of this day doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods, and I’m sorry to report that there is more pain and agonizingly slow healing ahead. But after days and days and days of hurting most or all of the time, you will finally have a day where you are shocked to discover that it hurts a tiny bit less.

You might at first think you’ve forgotten something important, and after making sure you have your phone and wallet, you’ll realize what’s missing (even just for an hour) is the pain you’ve been wearing like an anchor around your neck. And you’ll also realize that if it can go away for an hour, it will eventually go away for a few hours, then an entire day, then a week, and so on.

The key to finally reaching acceptance after heartbreak is not to stop feeling sad about the loss of the relationship, or to stop wishing things had been different, or to turn off all emotions related to your ex. Instead, the acceptance stage begins when you start believing what you’ve always told your friends when they’ve been in your position: you will be okay.

The aftermath of a breakup reminds me of how I feel when I’m injured or particularly ill: one day spent under the weather and I have completely forgotten what it’s like not to feel awful. “This is it, this is what life is like now,” I declare melodramatically. And in a way, heartbreak is its own form of illness or injury, just not the kind you can treat with a bandage or antibiotics.

The pain after a breakup can be so intense and exhausting that you fail to notice small signs of progress. But as time creeps by, there will be more and more moments in your day when you’re genuinely absorbed in something enjoyable or fully present in a conversation with a friend. And in those moments your heart is telling you that it’s still damaged, but it’s not fully broken.

The moments of relief from pain will get more frequent, however there may be plateaus and even setbacks along the way. Don’t let that unravel your newly discovered hope.

The important thing is to allow yourself to appreciate the bright spots in the darkness, even if they’re fleeting. Those are your reminders that you will make your way through this. Those are your signs that there is so much happiness and love still waiting for you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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