What love is not.
Lust is not love. I’ve met many people, beautiful and monstrous inside and out, who have made me feel lust. Lust is biochemical. A potent compulsion born from pheromones, primal urges, fetish, and fantasy that awakens sexual awareness. We have all smelled lust—that certain someone who so precisely tickles our ivories, sometimes without uttering a word. Nations have crumbled, and rulers have toppled over lust. Love and lust are fortunately not mutually exclusive. However, they are not the same.
Infatuation is not love. I’ve been fascinated, intrigued, and even obsessed with numerous people over the course of my life. Infatuation is like a child with a new telescope. It is an unquenchable hunger to explore. It is a flow state of wanting, combined with admiration and aspiration. Love can be there, yet the fixation on this shimmering star is not love itself.
Romantic feelings are not love. I’ve often confused romantic feelings with love. They are similar to an opening soliloquy which sets an emotional foundation for a play. They are that whisper of a connection that starts a conversation in a quiet place.
What is love?
I posit that there is only one kind, and it only varies simply in intensity. That intensity is amplified by the attention given to it proportionate to its driving reward. I love Gary Busey. I’m devoid of any romantic or sexual attraction, yet I love him for the same reason that I love my family members or anyone for which I have ever had a deep, meaningful affection.
Rarely do I think about texting Gary when I can’t sleep at night, or am I generally concerned about his general welfare. In fact, I’ve never met the guy. However, I find him irresistibly charming in the “Gorillas in the Mist”, Jane Goodall, anthropologically captivating train-wreck fashion of love. Quite directly, I love Gary because of the way he makes me feel about myself:
- Quirky and avant-garde for declaring my fandom for an obscure and oft-ridiculed film actor.
- Liberated by living vicariously through his loose grip on reality.
- Energized by the example he represents of a life unconstrained by the shackles of public opinion.
Love is no more or less complicated than how another person makes you feel about yourself. That formula for the profound affection of another is indeed entirely self-centered.
I challenge you to think about someone you love, romantically or not, and be able to genuinely declare that the center mass for your love of this person is not somehow grounded in the positive emotion they instill about your own person.
How do I love me? Let me count the ways.
When you truly love something or someone, you feel good about yourself.
- You adore your amazing children, yet you love the way being a parent makes you feel.
- You cherish your extraordinary husband/wife/partner/lover, yet you love how they make you feel secure, smart, or beautiful.
- You treasure your new fancy car, but you love how it makes you feel important.
- You admire your best friend, but you love how valuable they make you feel.
- You lust for the person in your bed, but you love how free you feel when the two of you are together.
A wickedly delightful combination.
When your romantic feelings awaken your lustful desires toward an endlessly intriguing person and that person dials in those perfect emotional launch codes instilling a feeling of wholeness, you are not in love.
You are remarkably lucky.
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Previously Published on medium
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