The Empath Fights Back (Part 3)

According to self-confessed Ultra Narc, HG Tudor, three are types of people in this world: normal, empath, and narcissist.

If you’re an empath who’s just gone No Contact with a narcissist and are doing all the right things but still struggling to disengage, curtailing your emotional thinking is, Tudor claims, ESSENTIAL in order to fully end the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Sounds simple enough. It’s not. Why?

Because you’re an empath.

A ‘normal’ person, prone to logical thinking, will soon identify the calculated mistreatment inflicted upon them by the narc and not remain ensnared for long. They will slam that door and not reopen it. The empath, on the other hand, blindsided by emotional thinking, will retreat from the narc but remain entangled until logic prevails. IF it prevails.

For the empath, addiction to the narcissist and emotional thinking are inter-dependent, emotional thinking being as much of a malign presence as the narc itself; it’s sole purpose being to reel you back in.

Listed below are the main ways in which emotional thinking can manifest itself and trick you into reconnecting with the narc.

H.G. Tudor identifies them as ‘The 5 Arenas of Engagement’:

1. Direct physical interaction — walk, dinner, movie, sex.
2. Communication — phone, facetime, text, or simply leaving yourself ‘open’ to communication by not blocking the narc’s number.
3. Doing things for the narc —e.g. dropping off post; trying to counter a smear campaign; anonymously monitoring the narc on all the Socials; parking outside their house.
4. Discussing the narc with others; constantly talking about them.
5. Thinking about the narc; reminiscing about the ‘golden period’ before it all went wrong; ruminating over how to exact revenge; listening to ‘your song’.

I’m going to add an extra one here:

6. obsessively researching narcissism in a bid to try and glean enough information to win the narc back. (This falls into the territory of ‘flawed logic’ — see further down).

Emotional thinking will commonly start in arenas 5 & 6, then escalate its way to number 1 until you find yourself right back where you started, i.e. ENSNARED BY THE NARC. The reason it’s so dangerous is because it doesn’t care if you suffer adverse consequences to your mental, physical, or sexual health in order to interact with the narc.

Like a junkie craving a fix, all it wants you to do is feed your addiction.

The application of cold hard logic over emotional thinking will ensure you don’t enter into any of the 6 engagement arenas, meaning your craving will not be acted upon and the narc will receive no further emotional supply. Sounds like a solid plan; there’s just one snag…

Emotional thinking HATES logical thinking and wants you, the empath, to reject it. Instead, it will implore you to ignore the bunting of red flags in favour of a quick dopamine hit from the narc.

In other words, “emotional thinking charges the battery of feeling” (HG Tudor) which directly fuels your addiction to the narc. The more your battery of feelings is charged, the greater the intensity of your rage/ hurt/ upset which will provoke you into reconnecting.

So, in addition to maintaining a rigid and robust regime of No Contact, write a list of the 6 Arenas of Engagement, stick it next to the kettle or on your bathroom mirror, and use it as a daily reminder to steer well clear.

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The difference between logical thinking and flawed logic

Logical thinking: this person is a narc- they feed off my energy because they’re empty inside and hungry for attention. They don’t give a monkey’s about me. All they want is to get their needs met. Now I understand this I’m going to get out and stay out, and have no more contact with them. EVER.

Flawed logic: this person is a narc — they can’t help it; they must have had an abusive childhood. I need to speak to them in order to ascertain what can be done to repair/ salvage the relationship. I MUST contact them to get some answers/ check I haven’t read this situation wrong.

Beware: the narc will never give you answers!

Flawed logic occurs when your emotional thinking is SO HIGH it will do anything to drive your addiction forward in order to reconnect you to the narc. Don’t let yourself be deceived in this way; if you’ve already scalded your hand on a hot stove and incurred a painful injury, do you really need to do it again ‘just to check’ it will hurt?

Once you’ve successfully reduced your emotional thinking, you’ll look back on your repeated attempts to return to the narc and think: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? This, my friend, is LOGIC.

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Why is the empath so drawn to the narc?

One reason is because interaction with a narc enables the empath to experience their empathic traits to the fullest extent. The other is the genetic component, or ‘imprinting’ by a family member, meaning if you were exposed to one or more narcs at a formative age, you will subsequently feel ‘at home’ around these types of people in adulthood and naturally gravitate towards them.

If your narc addiction originates from both these sources, then you’ve been served a double whammy, and the outcome can be pretty brutal to deal with. Trauma will fester beneath the surface, causing all manner of side effects until you educate yourself about what you’re dealing with, learn to hone your discernment and identify ‘safe’ people, and end this toxic cycle of abuse for good.

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A final note on narcissistic abuse and emotional dysregulation

If you’re an empath or Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist, you may have CPTSD (Complex PTSD) or suffer from emotional dysregulation.

As mentioned, this means you’ll be far more prone to emotional thinking than a ‘normal’ person and therefore a bountiful source of emotional supply for the narc, making YOU his or her prime target.

It’s therefore imperative at this stage in your recovery that you shift your focus away from narcissistic research and onto healing. Sounds straight forward, but it’s actually a real challenge for a wounded empath, who is hard-wired to withstand all manner of abuse (be it overt or covert) to focus their attention on themselves.

Repeated exposure to a narc will mean your emotional cup is full to over-flowing from constantly walking on egg shells, masking/ suppressing your own feelings, and operating solely in survival mode, flitting between fight/flight/freeze.

This means you will most likely revert to a state of hyperarousal (feeling anxious, out of control, overwhelmed) or hypoarousal (feeling spacey, zoned out, numb, frozen)when stress occurs, meaning your window of tolerance may be very small.

In other words, it won’t take much to throw you off balance or incite a volcanic reaction to a seemingly minor transgression.

Working with a narcissistic abuse therapist will not only help you to re-establish trust, it will also enable you to regulate your emotions in order to expand your window of tolerance so you’re more able to cope with challenges.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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