Let’s face it. Most guys are not the best at paying attention; especially when it comes to our women. Couple that with our word usage in a typical day and you’ve got a recipe for relational disaster.
Case in point. I came home emotionally exhausted from a day at work. I had dealt with people and their problems all day long, so my brain tends to shut down when I get home. When I walked into the kitchen where my wife was, I did what every guy does who has Physical Touch for their Love Language — I came up behind my wife and gave her a hug.
Her response: “Hey! Did you see what I did in the garage?”
My response: (Fast rewind of the previous 2 minutes driving into our garage and getting out of my car. Nope. I got nothing.) “No! What did you do?” I said excitedly to cover my tracks.
“I reorganized the storage boxes so we could have more room out there!”
My response: …
Before I give you my response, let me just say — don’t do what I did. Call it a moment of weakness. Call it bad judgment on my part. Call it whatever you want. Just don’t follow my example.
I said, “Oh, honey. You didn’t have to do that.”
Sounds innocent enough, right? After all, it actually sounds thoughtful. Don’t believe that! It’s a lie straight from the pit of hell!
She said(after a long silence), “Thank you, honey.” (Sarcastically, as if speaking for me.)
Ouch. I was called out.
Why Is This So Hard?
Why is this phrase so damn hard for men to say to their partners? I say “thank you” a bajillion times a day to friends and co-workers and random people I encounter throughout the day. But, when it comes to those closest to me, the words escape me. It’s not that I’m not thankful. I’m totally thankful for the kind gestures and thoughtful expressions. I just can’t seem to get the words out of my mouth.
Thankfulness and thanksgiving are not the same things, however. One implies an attitude of thankfulness. The other is an action word requiring some type of effort on my part.
Thankfulness and thanksgiving are not the same things.
Part of our issue is how comfortable we get in our relationships. The longer we stay together, the more things we take for granted in our relationship. Saying “thank you” is such an easy thing to do. But, we move through our days, checking off lists, merging calendars and navigating the partnership side of our relationship. This sets us up for a level of expectation we place on one another that diminishes expressing thankfulness.
So, how can we be better at expressing thankfulness to the people we love? Here’s a couple of suggestions to get you refocused.
1. Slow Down
Our breakneck pace we tend to keep in our lives today severely limits our ability to pay attention to the little things around us. This, in turn, eliminates any thankful words that will come out of our mouths. When we are so focused on moving on to the next thing on our to-do list, we will miss opportunities to say thank you to those around us.
Our cell phones can also be a major culprit here as well. You’ve all been victims of what I call Cell Phone Ghosting. You’re standing in line at the coffee shop and the guest in front of you is on their cell phone. They attempt to order their drink while carrying on a conversation with their cell phone. They halt their conversation just long enough to spout out their order to the barista and move on down. No “thank you” ever exits their mouth. Jerk.
Yeah. We hate those people. But, we are just as guilty when we don’t take the time to stop our agendas long enough to say thank you to the ones we love. Consider your toes stepped on.
2. Conserve Your Emotional Energy
This is one I’m notoriously guilty of. As stated earlier, I tend to give 100 percent at work to people I deal with. By the time I get home, I’ve got nothing left in my emotional tank for the family. This is a stupid use of my time. Those people at work don’t do my laundry. Those people I help each day don’t make me belly laugh like my kids do. The people I give so much to in a typical day aren’t going to snuggle up to me in bed at night.
Why would I spend all my energy on people I work with and not save some energy for the people that matter most in my life?
3. Set Reminders
This may seem counter-productive at first. Setting reminders for myself to be thankful seems so impersonal, and isn’t the idea to be more personal? Look at it this way. We schedule the things that are important to us. We don’t want to miss that appointment with the new client. We need to make sure to send out that email to our boss. We mark on our calendar those days of vacation so that we don’t inadvertently schedule something on those days.
If expressing thankfulness to someone is so important, we will give ourselves whatever helps we need to remind us of taking action.
4. Act Immediately
This is the easiest form of being thankful we can aspire to. When your spouse does something for you, respond with a “Thank you, honey!” right at that moment. If you think it, say it. A couple of things will happen here. First, you’ll be developing a habit of saying thank you. You’ll actually be making it easier to say as you do it with more regularity.
Secondly, you’ll be creating an environment of thankfulness in your circle of influence. The other day, my wife was hanging with our youngest daughter who is in her late teens. My wife bought her a drink at Starbucks and my daughter simply said, “Thank you, Momma,” The older gentleman behind her was so impressed with a teenager saying thank you to their parent that he stopped my wife and daughter and complimented her on saying that to her mother. Expressing thanks to the people we love has a far-reaching effect on those around us.
Whatever method you choose, take the time to say the words “thank you”. Get those words out there. Slow down, pay attention and let those you love the most know how valuable they are to you. Saying “thank you” can strengthen relationships and change a culture that has grown cynical. A thankful environment is a great place to live in.
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Previously Published on Medium
