The False Belief People Have About Finding “The One”

I don’t know about you but I don’t believe in “the one” or soulmates or whatever people these days call it.

Let me elaborate.

I grew up reading those fairytales stories where two people who’re madly in love have a happily ever after ending.

They portrayed it as they’ve found “the one”. In most scenarios, the woman is just sitting there waiting for Mr. Perfect to come around.

And I have to admit that I fell into this trap of thinking for a long long time. Which ended up me having lots of broken, toxic relationships with men in the past.

Almost every guy I dated, I thought they were the one.

When things didn’t work out, I felt frustrated, and mentally drained and swore to never date again.

But of course, I did it again. And the cycle would start all over again.

After losing myself in one toxic relationship, it finally hit me how wrong I was about this concept.

The major false belief: when you found the one, it’d complete you

I called it BS.

But sadly, many people still think finding the one is what they needed to make their lives better. Even worse, they think by being with the one, all the problems they have would be gone.

No, you’d still have them. All of them.

If you have baggage prior to being committed to someone, neglecting it will only affect the relationship. The person you’re with won’t be responsible for it.

If you’re feeling empty and somehow lost, being with someone won’t make you feel complete. They’re not the “lost puzzles” you needed. All you need is you and your willingness to work on your own internal issues.

And if your life overall sucks or is boring, being with someone won’t change it. Sure, life is better when you share it with somebody but if you aren’t even happy and content with your life, what’s there to share?

You definitely don’t want to share sadness.

I’ve been in a long-term relationship and I know he’s the right person for me. But he doesn’t necessarily “complete” me.

I still have those days when I’m feeling a bit lost and even lonely.

People don’t like to share those dark sides of being in a relationship because they’re so used to the idea that being in one means you’ll be happy forever.

And that #relationshipgoals hashtag on Instagram doesn’t help either. It encourages people to have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be.

It makes people walk away easily when the person they’re with isn’t 100%. But if that’s what you aim for, then no one is suitable enough to be “the one” for you.

No one is perfect and aiming to find someone who ticks all your boxes all the time will only give you disappointment.

I see “the one” as something that’s not given. You don’t just swipe in a dating app and find the perfect man/woman. It’s only when you give it a try then you know if he/she is the right one for you or not.

Compatibility and chemistry are the only two things you need to start a relationship and see how it goes.

The bottom line is this…

How we perceive relationships, in general, determines how our love lives gonna be.

If you keep meeting the wrong people or seem to attract bad relationships, maybe it’s time to look deeper into your own perspectives.

What’s your definition of “the one”? Do you have more shallow things on your checklist than important ones? It’s nice and easy to create “the one” in your journal and hope it’ll come true.

But I’m sure you and I know that life doesn’t always work the way we want it.

That’s where you need to literally look at your list and see what’s truly important to you.

He’s caring and treating you well but he isn’t that romantic just like how you wanted it, does it mean you have to break up and look for someone else?

No.

The thing is there’s always something in someone that we don’t really like and you’ll have this strong urge to change them. All because you think that’s how your soulmate should be/look like.

But that’s not how a healthy relationship starts. It starts with two individuals knowing they aren’t perfect but still want to do everything in their power to make the relationship work.

That’s how I defined “the one” or I’d prefer to call it the right person instead.

Too many people are caught up with the external qualities; how much money one’s has, job, status, education and etc.

While they’re important for practical reasons. But that doesn’t mean that’s all in your focus.

I’ve known a girl who’s been on a dating app for years now yet still claiming that she hasn’t found the one.

When asked about what she’s looking for in a partner, her checklist is all about having high education level, a wealthy family, and all that stuff.

None of them mentioned something deeper such as the values she wants in a partner.

She might have found the one but passed him by because it’s not “perfect” enough. But who is?

You can spend your life looking for the perfect one and you miss the one who actually wants to make it work with you no matter what.

Don’t let yourself fall into that trap.

Even when you’ve found the right one, you still have fights. You still feel lonely. And all your internal problems still belong to you.

They’re not someone who can complete you. That’s your job and forever will be yours.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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