The right mentor can help you grow as a man.
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I learned to shave from Youtube.
When my dad died, I joined a rapidly growing club.
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I’m not a teenager. Technically I’ve been shaving since long before Youtube existed. Sensitive skin and bad technique meant that ever since I was a teenager shaving has been a bloody massacre for me. I was just 14 when I needed to start shaving. My mom handed me a razor and shaving cream with a kind warning to not cut myself. It was her job because my dad had died in an accident three years before.
My mom was amazing. She gave my sister and me so much. But for all her sacrifices, she found herself with one impossible task. She could not give me first-person experience about becoming a man.
When my dad died, I joined a rapidly growing club. Recent U.S. Census statistics suggests that nearly one in three U.S. children live in a home without a father. All the moms out there do incredible, unquestionably important work. But guys like me are often left to piece together a sense of what it means to be a man.
That’s how I ended up on Youtube as an adult learning how to shave without looking like I’d been murdered. What I needed, even more than a helpful video tutorial, was men. Other men, older men, who would share their journey with me.
What I needed, and what so many men need today, were mentors. I needed the influence of smart, experienced men.
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Growing up as a teenager without a dad, a variety of men influenced me. A youth pastor encouraged my sense of value and identity. An English teacher challenged me to write. A summer camp director saw leadership abilities in me, trusting me with responsibility. College professors shaped my mind. One boss influenced my thoughts about leading people. Another boss softened me up relationally.
These men were all vital in helping shape my sense of self, but this process was often haphazard and unintentional. I didn’t seek out mentors. I’ve since discovered the power of being mentored in my life. After years of stubborn hard-headedness, certain in my abilities and judgment, I finally started letting mentors speak into my life. Looking back, I regret not doing this earlier.
The 4 Mentors Every Man Needs
We can learn a lot from our mothers. We can learn a lot from books. We can learn a lot from our experience. But it’s when we are willing to accept guidance from mentors that our personal, emotional and spiritual growth takes off. Learning to be a man requires input about so many things. If I could go back and do it all again, I’d seek out mentors in four specific areas.
1. A Relational Mentor
Life is all about relationships. This is one of those areas we’re just supposed to pick up, but I often didn’t. I needed someone other than my peers talking to me about dating and sex. As I got older, I needed someone to share the real scoop on marriage. I came into my marriage with wildly unrealistic expectations. Those expectations ended up doing grave damage. Then I needed someone to talk to me about being a father.
If I were starting again, I’d look for a stable, mature guy about 20 years older than me with a rock-solid marriage and strong, confident kids. I’d try to hang around him and his family when I could, and take him to coffee to talk about what life had taught him about relationships.
2. A Financial Mentor
We didn’t talk much about money when I was a kid. We didn’t have much, and it was clear that it wasn’t my business. I had graduated from college with fifty grand in debt and a leased car before anyone had a serious heart-to-heart with me about money. It finally took a lot of hard working, following the Dave Ramsey baby steps before I got my financial plans in order.
If I were starting over, I’d find a smart businessman who was just retiring, someone who had clearly made wise and ethical decisions over the long haul. I’d ask him to meet with me twice a year to talk about my financial plans.
3. An Emotional Health Mentor
It took a trainwreck in my life, a bout with depression, and nearly losing my marriage to discover that at 40 years old I was emotionally illiterate. The only emotion I knew for sure was anger. The trauma of losing my dad and being wired up to be a perfectionist (Adopted, first-child, preacher’s kid, melancholy artist…) had me boxing up my emotions. It was on a retreat for pastors experiencing burnout that I had the experience of being told what my feelings mean. I started crying when I realized no one had ever had that conversation with me. I started counseling shortly after that.
If I had a do-over, I’d look for a man who had been through the wringer, someone who had faced loss and grief, and come out the other side with compassionate strength. I’d plan to have breakfast once a month with him to talk about what it looks like to face life’s difficulties with courage and wisdom.
4. A Spiritual Mentor
I grew up around pastors. My dad was one. I know pastor-speak. I’m not talking about that. I spent a lot of years being a Christian do-er, proving my worth through my good behavior. That never made a difference for my heart, and I had very little sense of connection with God.
I began listening to the open, vulnerable honesty of people with decades-long spiritual commitment. These were people who didn’t pray glib prayers and who weren’t invested in “being right.” This is when I really started finding my own centering relationship with God.
I’m sad that I missed getting these things from my dad.
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If I were 20 again, I’d look for a man, much older than I am, with a profound understanding of grace, and a complete lack of need to prove something about himself. I’d choose someone with the strength to skip past superficial answers. This is someone I’d love to have on speed dial.
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I’m sad that I missed getting these things from my dad. But the truth is, even for guys who had great parents, there’s always more to learn. Our culture worships the self-made person. I worked hard to be just that for almost 40 years before learning that it’s all a myth. No one is self-made.
The people who I’ve come to respect most—and the people I’m interested in becoming like—are all people who get this. They make it a point to have mentors. Nowadays, when I get the chance to talk with young men, this is the first question I ask, “Who do you have speaking into your life?”
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Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon
I wish I had a mentor who would teach me to take the initiative. People have been so conditioned to take orders that when they leave home and//or stuff hits the fan, they are helpless and take action because they are so trained to nothing until someone tells them to do so.
I would also like a mentor who would teach me that failure is not the end of the world and that mentor would point out my failures without be so harsh when it comes to using his/her voice and body language.
I would like mentors in the following areas: Teach me to play every kind of musical instrument and to sing. Develop and trust my instincts. Teach me to be curious, to ask questions and learn to do research if I can’t find the answers or I am not satisfied with the answers that someone gives me especially when my instincts and my critical thinking skills tells me that I am being give false information and that the person is trying to play me for a fool.. To teach me have a love of learning and a desire to keep on… Read more »
Loved your article and your honesty.
I have intuitively seeked out mentors for different parts of my life.
Career mentors
Financial mentors
Relationship mentors
Fatherhood mentors
Reading and meeting wise people can help too.
I must say a surprising “mentor’ that came recently to my life was watching George Carlin on Youtube.
I wasn’t familiar with him ( I live in Australia) but loved him instantly. It is because of Mr Carlin that I teach my 3 kids to “question question question”. He has changed my fathering.
Dear JP I wish I had a career mentor as well. Society needs all types of workers every profession and guys should not be penalizes because they want to be a nurse, a teacher, etc. In addition, many jobs require that you have perfect color vision and from what I have heard half of the men in the USA are color-blinded so it is not their fault if they can’t be pilots, police officers, and other professions where normal color vision is mandatory. Yeah, I like George Carlin’s youtube on questioning authority I wish I had a mentor who would… Read more »
I wish I had a mentor who could teach me to read, write, and speak several different languages plus learn about other cultures and histories of the various countries..
I wish I had mentors like Bill Moyers, Mike Papantonio, Shelly Foote, and Thom Hartmann who could teach me more about the personalities, and viewpoints of our Founding Fathers, our presidents, Mark Twain and other Americans plus give me more in depth economic, political, religious, and social history of the USA.
That’s a great list, G. It really motivates me to me that kind of mentor to the younger guys in my life.
Dear Marc I wish I had mentors who would teach me to fight back both physically and mentally.against people who tried to hurt me. I wish I had mentors who would help me with my schoolwork particularity in the higher forms of math like algebra and calculus. I wish I had a financial mentor so I could have started my investments at a younger age. Wish I had a mentor who could teach me on to analyze things in a logical, critical way so I can look at things in between the lines. I wish I had a mentor who… Read more »
After you read the article, I’d love to hear from you. What mentors would you add to this list? What life lessons do you wish you had learned younger — and who are the men (or kinds of men) you wish you could have learned them from?