The Future Is Femme

Etymology of femme:

1. Woman (French), a woman’s sense
2. A lesbian woman who presents as stereotypically feminine
3. A man or woman who has embraced feminism (proposed)

Predicting the future is always fraught with challenge. But as I reflected on the many responses received from my previous essay The End of the Line for Men, which began with the above quote, I realized that there is more to say. Readers helped paint the nuanced future discussed here and most importantly, correctly pointed out that any radical transformation in the roles of men will equally transform the roles of women.

Permit me to mine these comments for a few keys points. The male readers generally criticized the points of view offered, and denied that they applied to all men, especially not them. Women readers had less to say, and many of their comments were positive. But one argued that men are already too emotional, don’t know how to express their emotions, and that anger is the default emotion expressed.

A few relatively neutral comments pointed out the benefits of matriarchy for both men and women, although some doubted that men are capable of changing to this degree, that is, becoming members of a matriarchal egalitarian society.

This essay is a follow-up to The End of the Line for Men, and here I will try to lead the discussion to where I believe it needs to go.

Many other writers have discussed the influence of feminism. But I want to highlight this 2026 statement from Nergiz:

“Women are exiting our forced obligation to reproduce, caretake and comply en masse and it’s an existential threat to the continuation of patriarchy. That’s why they’re [the patriarchal males] doubling down. They’re not arrogant, they’re terrified.”

This neatly sums up the oppositional character of matriarchy and its action-oriented step-sister, feminism. In her 2021 book Smashing the Patriarchy, Sindhu Rajasekaran had announced that the future is female, but recently modified her language to The Future is Femme, which became the title of a 2024 blog post. She explains that the problem with the term “female” is that it is too closely associated with femininity, and that the latter has been fetishized, forbidden and othered. She goes on to urge men, women and queer folk to actively smash the patriarchy, since its harms are universal to all genders.

I will add, mostly as a reminder, that gender and sexual preference are not related, and that if society were transformed into a matriarchy, we would still have gender. Gender identity is performative, it is always in comparison to something, typically other gender identities. But sex is not essential to gender. Whether or not one is active sexually or feels sexual attraction to others is unrelated to one’s gender identity.

This is essential to understand when we examine any future in which men and women still exist, but perhaps interact from very different positions than those common today.

Understanding Matriarchy

Since we live in patriarchal societies, it is very difficult to perceive the essential elements of patriarchy. The classic analogy of this dilemma is fish swimming in water. Are fish aware of the water that surrounds them? Probably not.

Patriarchy is a system of domination that includes hierarchy, individualism, violence and scarcity to maintain a proper and legitimate social order. Patriarchy is the crucial foundation for racism, predatory capitalism and environmental devastation. While it is usually men dominating women, all genders suffer under patriarchy. Almost all men are subject to domination by other men, exploited for their labor and their willingness to abide by the rules of so-called traditional masculinity. Patriarchy is about power, and much of modern human history has been shaped by it.

Matriarchy, although broadly misunderstood, is non-hierarchical, non-exploitative and generally inclusive of all genders. Key features include being mother-centered, and emphasizing regeneration, love, balance, community and reciprocity. Today it is generally understood that matriarchy preceded patriarchy in the vast scope of human history.

These distinctions are shown graphically in the following illustration featured in Nergiz De Baere’s essay on The Next Wave of Feminism:

A Gradual Movement is Underway

If we assume that post-modern feminism is moving toward matriarchy (okay, so there have been a few sideways steps), then we begin to glimpse the future of gender, and specifically men and women as gendered roles. The advances made so far are important: equal pay for equal work, bodily autonomy (including the right to birth control), women in leadership roles. But these have all been made within the context of patriarchy, and have provoked significant pushback from hierarchically dominant men.

As Nergiz points out above, men swimming in patriarchy are not necessarily arrogant, but more likely terrified. When women begin denying traditional feminine gender roles, they begin to constitute an “existential threat to the continuation of patriarchy.” But the rise of matriarchy is by its very nature slow, and it is a battle not fought with guns, but with determination and denial. Women begin to deny men access to their bodies, deny being treated as sexual toys, and remove themselves from situations in which they may be exploited or harmed.

We should not expect a revolution, but instead slow, steady steps toward the abandonment of patriarchy. Perhaps this context will help us make more sense of such movements as 4B, MGTOWs and incels, and may also explain the recent centering into the public square of gay, lesbian, bisexual, nonbinary and queer folks. To a significant degree, 4B, MGTOWs and incels are reactions to the dominant patriarchy, with some perspectives benign and others harsh and hateful. Yet fundamentally, these trends show how men and women, as defined under patriarchy, are moving apart.

Of course, the pushback is also a response to these trends, as patriarchal men and women fight the existential battle to retain their traditional identities. We see this in extremist political activity, military domination of other nations, the militarization of every day life, and of course in pornography. If you are surprised to see porn on this list, then perhaps you haven’t watched any. While there are some exceptions, standard commercial pornography is junk food fed to patriarchal men who must sexualize women as a means of dominating them. Porn confirms the power and greed of men to perceive women as sexual objects and less than men. Women’s bodies become objects to be used, traded and dominated.

Even the term femme has evolved. The better known version, the future is female, began as a feminist slogan coined in the 1970s by workers at Labyris Books, the first women’s bookstore in New York City. The shop famously printed and sold T-shirts with this slogan. But the slogan was picked up by a 1975 lesbian separatist group similarly called Labrys and remained popular within this fringe movement. Later, around 2012, Otherwild Bookstore re-issued the slogan again printed on T-shirts, and it has since gone viral as the social media hashtag, #TheFutureIsFemale.

Finally Hillary Clinton revitalized the slogan when she used it in the concession speech to her 2016 presidential campaign, where it became a popular phrase for feminist merchandise. This was just prior to October 2017 when the #MeToo movement exploded into popular awareness.

The term femme originally referred to feminine lesbians, that is, those who present in a “feminine” way and/or challenge traditional, patriarchal definitions of power. And while this sense of the term remained somewhat fringe, it was influential in the emergence of Fourth Wave Feminism which embraced both “men’s rights” and “women’s rights” as parts of its platform.

Where About the Men’s Movement?

Many of us who have been working with men’s groups have at times wondered where we are headed. Mark Greene, one of the oracles of men’s work, calls this it “the battle against dominance-based masculine culture.” He builds on earlier men’s program leaders:

“As men, we are confronted with a choice. We can continue to allow the bullying of ourselves and others to conform to the rules of Man Box culture, or we can start making space for a much wider-ranging set of masculinities. Millions of men are already doing this work. Rigid, limiting performances of masculinity are giving way to much more fluid expressions of gender, especially among millennials.”

For men, the “man box” contains the primary operating guidelines for sustaining patriarchy. These include:

• Don’t cry or openly express emotions with the exception of anger
• Do not show weakness or fear
• Demonstrate power and control, especially over women
• Aggression-Dominance
• Heterosexual
• Do not be “like a gay man” / homophobic
• Tough-Athletic-Strength-Courage
• Makes decisions — Does not need help
• Views women as property/objects

It is important to recognize that the “man box” contains the enforcement tools to build and maintain dominance-based rules for being a man. But missing from this list are shaming and bullying, the primary means by which boys are raised and policed. The purpose of these actions, according to Greene is to:

“…force conformity to our dominant culture of masculinity and to perpetuate the exploitation, domination and marginalization of women and people who are queer, genderqueer and transgender.”

The “man box” concept was created by Paul Kivel, one of the earliest men’s work leaders, working in the San Francisco area in the mid-1980s. Then the phrase was picked-up by Tony Porter (A Call to Men) in the 1990s, at the time working with men in prison. Porter would go on to give a TED Talk in 2010 which promptly went viral. This eleven minute talk has been viewed on various platforms in excess of thirty million times and succeeded in bringing the phrase into common usage.

The “man box” represents the collective socialization of men. Leaders of men’s groups, including myself, have used this conceptual framework as a means of opening the eyes of men who had been raised as boys and who as adults have lived and breathed dominance-based masculinity as the only way to be a man. So what have we achieved after forty years of effort?

As referenced in my previous essay, the editors of The Good Men Project have recently shared their insights for 2026. They suggest that masculinity is splitting, with one path leading to a more “relational masculinity — men building capacity for empathy, accountability, partnership, fatherhood as presence, strength as steadiness, not dominance.” And a second path based on “grievance masculinity — status, anxiety, resentment, gender-war framing, ‘you’ve been cheated’” ideology and celebrating men’s aggression, anger and warmongering spirit.

In the current political climate, at least here in the United States, efforts to defeat dominance-based masculinity have suffered a serious set-back.

Clearly, at the moment, grievance masculinity is in ascendance. Nonetheless, we are playing a long game. So what have we achieved in these men’s programs?

Most men will complete these programs having demonstrated at least six or more of the following. Here is where things get interesting:

• Participating men learn to become aware of and express a wide range of emotions
• They admit weakness and fear when these are real reactions
• Relations with women or any romantic interest are grounded in respect rather than power and control
• Men learn to be less reactive, better listeners, and to “red flag” aggressive tendencies
• Men represent a set of gender fluid options including cis-gender, gay, trans and queer
• Many of us may not be tough and strong, but may still be athletic and courageous
• Men learn to consult with others before making serious decisions
• Men learn to view women as friends, co-workers, neighbors and, when the right conditions arise, romantic interests
• Men respect male and female bodies as fundamental to every person’s human dignity
• Men learn to work against male loneliness, self-alienation and isolation
• Men develop ways of spending time with male friends
• Men learn empathy and compassion and implement these as relational tools

From a patriarchal point of view, many of these qualities appear as traditionally feminine traits. And many men today describe themselves as “feminists” regardless of the sometimes ferocious pushback from dominant-aggressive men and radically misandrist women.

The Era of ‘False Connectedness’

Even with the rise of matriarchy, femme gender-inclusive relationships, and empathic/compassionate men, it still appears that in this new era, men and women will be spending more time alone and less in committed romantic relationships. Perhaps this is the new norm. In any case, the lack of companionship will become a problem.

We are already seeing this, and one of the ways people are coping is by utilizing AI companions. We are entering an age where AI is exploding onto the scene. We have interactive AI companions that remain on your computer screen and can be programmed for platonic friendship or erotic interaction. We have AI enhanced male and female dolls that may be used for sexual pleasure. And coming soon, we will have advanced AI bots generally known as sexbots. These can develop significant romantic relationships with men and women, and also provide sexual pleasure.

Interested in sexbots? Please read the speculative fiction offered at our new magazine, Love, Sex and Romance into the Future. Fiction offers the opportunity to envision a more distant future, and the extra gender options we may find there. These stories are for adults only, 18+, thanks!

One can only imagine that a sexbot may be the answer for those who either do not want a real-person relationship or have given up trying to find one. Whether these options remain in the category of “false connectedness” or become genuine options for companionship, we will have to wait and see. But it appears very likely that these life-like machines will have a very personal role to play in the near future.

So Why Do We Need Men?

Perhaps a better question is “why do need patriarchy?” Clearly, as we have seen, we don’t. There are far greater advantages, it seems, to matriarchy. Nevertheless for any one individual, she or he may well decide that they do not need a romantic relationship in their lives, or may opt for a sexbot.

But it is striking how the rise of matriarchy and pro-feminist men have arrived at this moment from independent origins. It is a timely concurrence of circumstances and may serve as a partial solution for people who are unhappy with the current state of affairs among the genders.

The future is femme, and will inevitably include both men and women, and all genders.

Previously published on Substack. Want to see more writing like this? Or if you would like to support the Shine a Light Men’s Project, please consider buying the author a cup of coffee.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness program, and a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.