Are men more vulnerable to burn out and career dissatisfaction without a biological imperative to slow down and reassess?
‘I actually wasn’t enjoying my job anyway,’ my friend confided to me a few weeks ago, as she tickled her one year old under the chin, ‘so really, it was an easy way out.’
Is giving birth perhaps one of the only legitimate ways to escape answering to the man and freeing oneself from the daily grind? Assuming you can afford it, is getting knocked up a means to opt out or trying something new without the risks and judgement typically associated with a new venture?
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‘I totally agree,’ another new mother told me recently over coffee, ‘I LOVE that I don’t need to explain why I’m not going back to work, but it was really getting me down.’ They echoed another female friend I saw a few months ago who admitted that she is considering a complete career change and is hoping to pursue a more creative vocation, something she has always wanted to try, when she returns to the workforce after having a baby. These conversations, along with yet another newspaper feature article about ‘mumprenuers’, got me thinking: is pregnancy the new exit strategy? Is giving birth perhaps one of the only legitimate ways to escape answering to the man and freeing oneself from the daily grind? Assuming you can afford it, is getting knocked up a means to opt out or trying something new without the risks and judgement typically associated with a new venture?
Unless you are an athlete or work in an industry where your talent has a shelf life, it can be hard to recognise burn out, career fatigue or the fact that you might simply have become out of sync with your industry. Often one of the only ways that you can get the perspective required for this type of realisation is by stepping outside of your daily work routine and taking some time to literally watch the world go by without you standing in the thick of it. Having a baby does, among many other things, provide this vantage point. But without the swell of a growing belly it can be difficult to admit to yourself, let alone anyone else, that you want some time out, a break from the crazy merry-go-round of working life. Or simply articulating that you want to swap law for yoga. Especially if you’ve got one hand grabbing for the next rung on that godforsaken corporate ladder.
So thinking about all this has made me worry for the men. That’s right, you heard: I am worried about all the working men. Of course there are females that fall into this category, too, but I would argue that they are still able to use child rearing as an acceptable reason to break from work and do a career 180. Even if a female is single and decides to take time off to have a baby on her own, no one will question this. In fact most people I know would be incredibly supportive. Whereas a male resigning to raise a child on his own whilst he launches a new baby clothing line? I doubt this would be greeted with as much enthusiasm.
It is true that more men than ever before are in part-time roles, indicating that more balance is being struck on the home front. There has been a considerable increase in part-time working dads over recent years which I think it a great thing. But part-time isn’t the same as time out; a hard and fast break and a forced review of your current situation and whether it’s something you want to return to. I expect that long service leave was originally introduced to serve this very need but with such high attrition rates these days it’s unlikely many people get to enjoy this benefit.
In the rightful fight for female equality, choice and leadership roles in the workplace, have we perhaps overlooked the fact that it’s the men that now only really have one option and that’s to bring home the bacon? Over the years, I’ve known a couple of men who have taken a sea change or taken some time out to figure out what they want to do or to reflect on whether their current role is making them happy. But I could count them on one hand. The only other time I’ve known a man to admit exhaustion or ambivalence regarding his career was retrospectively and following redundancy.
A lack of male ambition is rarely deemed to be okay. The guy that wants to leave early to catch the kinder play? Adorable. The guy that wants to quit his demanding job to be a full-time dad and make relish? Weird.
Men are essentially expected to work until retirement age with not too much complaining and minimal navel gazing. Whereas a female can, over the course of her career be all in, all out, or somewhere in between. And whilst there is definitely judgement felt regarding all of these options, they are all fundamentally acceptable for her to choose.
So I am a little worried for the guys. Of course I am worried for women too, they still have to deal with unequal pay, less superannuation, sexism in the workplace and expectations around doing it all (or not) but at least they have often chosen mum over manager or vice versa and have tried both so they know what they are missing. Perhaps a better way to tackle gender inequality in the workplace and even the issue of the pay gap, is to encourage more men to take career breaks. Make this a more acceptable part of a male career path. Possibly then the gender issues fade away and it becomes more about personal choices and the way each household chooses to make things work.
And time out might not always lead to a change of career. I was definitely feeling a little tired both times that I stood on the precipice of maternity leave and it did cross my mind that it wasn’t just the pregnancy. But a few uninterrupted months at home with each child was a great reality check and led me to realise that I really do enjoy working and that I love my job and want to continue being part of my industry. But would I have made this realisation if I hadn’t had the break? Would I right now instead be burned out, cursing my job, dreading every deadline and stressing as every Sunday comes to an end? Would I be wondering what if? Maybe. It’s obviously hard to say but I do know that essentially being forced to stop and evaluate my life was the only way I would have ever have taken a break from the crazy ride. I think a lot of career men would benefit from the same perspective. Who knows, they may even uncover some hidden talents and start baking some mean cupcakes. Or at the very least they might face the same judgement that women face regarding the choices they make.
This post was originally published on The Peach, and has been republished with full permission.
Read more on Work/Life Balance on The Good Life.
Image credit: Dell’s Official Flickr Page/Flickr
rezam…The counter narrative on childrearing you speak of- the fact that it isn’t always as hard as advertised- is important.
My gut reaction is to agree with Jimbo – with women doing it, it is a high art form; men doing it – they are unambitious wastrels. Having thought about it, I have to say that they are often not the same people saying those hypocritical things. The high art form stuff comes mostly from SAHMs and their supporters. The minimization of the efforts of SAHDs comes from men, from women who are NOT SAHMs, and particularly – from institutions, especially schools and government programs, including health providers. I always found it unsettling that it was Mother-Daughter play-therapy, even though… Read more »
It’s interesting to me that when women stay at home they say they are doing “the toughest job in the world, being a mom”. When men stay at home they get constant messages saying they aren’t really working or doing anything.
At the same time most stay at home dads I know will admit that it isn’t nearly as difficult a “job” as stay at home moms would like to make it out to be.
My wife liked to tell me when she stayed home with the kids how hard it was…..Yet after I became disabled and took over the stay at home parent role…..the working world was seen as much harder……interesting that which ever role women have is always seen as the hard one. SAHD for the last nine years……it has way more perks than a 40+ hr week job in industrial supply. She ended up extremely jealous of my close relationship with our daughters. When that, mid-life and work stress took a toll on her she acted out and risked our marriage…….Her T… Read more »
“Perhaps a better way to tackle gender inequality in the workplace and even the issue of the pay gap, is to encourage more men to take career breaks.” So ‘gender inequality” – which means here that women are still oppressed – will be resolved if men are taken out of the work force. Interesting. The author doesn’t have to worry. In recent years millions of men have had ‘career breaks’, planned or not. Their ambitions have been destroyed and in many cases so have their careers. And this last sentence sums it up: “Or at the very least they might… Read more »
Quite – and surely falling seriously ill is a biological imperative to stop working?
Just slightly more chronic a state than pregnancy!
rezam…Yeah it’s pretty ass backwards and silly to ask men to be SAHD’S and not have a plan in place to admit to and deal with some of the downsides. I would do the same things too but I must admit to telling my sons to think three times about marriage in this environment. I gotta tell you putting together a career isn’t easy for me ,a man of color either. I don’t think those problems have disappeared, but there is a tendency to only want to hear the upside of this issue . So, men who don’t have it… Read more »
OG, I have studied the state of family law, together with the indirectly related legal issues in my country very carefully. I, like you, have given advice to both of my sons, and most of my nephews on the same topics. I think marriage is a very high risk undertaking – for both parties, certainly, but in my experience – far more so for fathers. The risk is not financial (although this is a large problem); the risk is the breaching of emotional bonds with your children, and the outright psychological damage that can cause. I have seen this first… Read more »
I’ve been thinking for a couple of days about your sentence on career building, and considering the comments of the OP. I simply cannot think of anything useful to offer. It seems that the things I came up with are unlikely to be helpful to anyone else. I suspect that is likely to be true for any guy in such circumstances. I looked over the article, trying to put my finger on it. “It is true that more men than ever before are in part-time roles, indicating that more balance is being struck on the home front. There has been… Read more »
rezam…i have gone through similar experiences and am now cobbling together a career and continue to be seen as unusual, by my extended family., who tell me when we get together,” You did a great job raising these kids. They sure are smart.Yep, everyone has their college degrees and no one got into trouble. And the way you were able to comb that child’s(my daughter) hair was as good as any woman!?” Imagine that, I was able to comb my daughters as good as a woman.
You too, eh?. It’s hilarious (I guess). My daughter had this fine fine hair that just knotted itself into an impenetrable mass. I tried the bedhead de-tangling stuff, combing it out wet in the bathtub, de-knotting it with a fine comb (which took over an hour and brought tears every time…). Since I tend to be impatient and prone to frustration, it was a severe trial. And yeah, I got the “you did almost as good a job as a woman” stuff too, mixed in with the a daughter needs her mother, you dress her funny, the side-long looks saying… Read more »
great post man, great post
Ogwriter … no, putting together a career isn’t easy but I hope you keep one thing in mind as you do so. Do something you like doing. Being broke aint so bad. Enjoy those kids of yours, that’s what counts.
Tom B…Whats up man! You are so right. I am so not getting back full on that god forsaken “career track”. Especially, since I went through all of the trouble of killing the old identity, resurrection and rebirth. Speaking of the kids:l After going 2-25 last year we were in the pool play for the Nor Cal State playoffs. If we win this game, we are in the final eight and we would play at Arco Arena, 3-9-13, where the pro”s play and the game would be televised. We lost against a team we would normally beat by double digits… Read more »
Ogwriter, sounds like you had a great team put together. Sorry to hear your loss. Yeah, tough love, it is hard but it represents real life in that when we screw up, there are consequences. No matter how many times we give opportunities for these guys to turn things around, there comes a time when the opportunities run out. Man, you have to cut yourself some slack and relax around this women. She sees something in you and that’s a start. Wish I could email you directly ….. To GMP people, if you’d like to share my email address with… Read more »
I just did Tom. Thanks.
rezam…IAM COBBLING A CAREE rezam…We don’t, as a culture, speak very honestly or openly about these issues; we still don’t and it has been thus since the beginning of the feminist examination of child-rearing. That examination, because it was in-house. lacked the kind of objectivity and inclusiveness necessary to critically analyze one’s behavior. So that now the narrative that is being portrayed, naturally, reflects that traditional lack of objectivity. Gender role reversals are not to be toyed with or gone into lightly. That is the real story but don’t expect to see or hear about it in most places.The fake… Read more »
Uh, yeah…. First it was she wanted to stay at home with the kids, because she believed that having a parent at home was invaluable to children until high school. She had read the books, she had the skills in crafts and costuming – me, Always told that I never belonged around children. So I worked like an insane person developing a career and a reputation, to pay for it. Then when my daughter developed a baffling and non-diagnosed medical illness, it was that she could not cope with it because of her family history, and since someone had to… Read more »
ogwriter: The complaint may be a form of camouflage, Many woman really don’t want to share those options with their partner. Claiming that being the stay at home parent is so….. so hard…..and unmanly…. allows women as a gender group to keep that priviledge mainly within the group.
Sarah…”So I ‘m am a little worried for the guys. Of course I’m worried for the women too,…” This aforementioned passage you wrote is interesting because for me it reveals what really ails us; our belief that these problems can best be solved in gender isolation. It seems to me that your words indicate that you felt compelled to be inclusive but had no clear path to follow.. I believe the way to do that organically is to view the problem as it affects the opportunities of both parents moving forward, with the realization that both probably won’t get exactly… Read more »