The Grief of Small Things Breaking

[1989]

It’s not just a shoelace
but the grief of small things breaking

Together
we bought the shoes
they went with the suit
the ties the bold striped socks
I wore them in an office life
which like the suit no longer fits
and when we danced
together

It’s not just a shoelace
but the grief of small things breaking

From I’ll Miss You Later

While personal papers during the COVID lockdown, poet James W. Gaynor came across a pocket notebook he had written in from 1986 to 1997. He had used it to organize 38 memorial services as he lost friends and loved ones to the AIDS pandemic. The information contained included contact information for relatives, newspapers, venues, florists, ministers, rabbis, a rebel Jesuit, and a Wiccan priestess – as well as scribbled notes about possible poems. Rereading the notebook – 23 years after its last entry – inspired Gaynor to go back, find the poems and put them the chronological order they suggested themselves. The result is I’ll Miss You Later – a poetry memoir in 20 parts about loss and survival, forged in one epidemic, emerging in a second. It’s a record of perseverance and a tribute to the humor that get us through the worst life can throw at us.

I’ll Miss You Later — one poem in 20 parts, forged in one epidemic — during an administration that initially did nothing because the initial affected populations were deemed undesirable (i.e., gay, Haitian, drug addicts)  — and assembled in another epidemic under an administration that initially did nothing because the initial affected population was deemed non-essential (i.e., old)

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5.0 out of 5 stars Don’t Miss “I’ll Miss You Later.”

Reviewed in the United States on December 23, 2020

“I’ll Miss You Later,” poet James W. Gaynor’s sixth book of poetic gems, is a brilliant memoire. A survivor of the AIDS plague, he has drawn from his experiences as a “keeper of the flame” for his many friends who died during that time to help us reflect on life, death and hope during the current Covid pandemic. In reflecting on “the grief of small things breaking,” he reminds us of the deep heartbreak that goes far beyond the initial loss of a loved one and reverberates over time. The “condolence email template” asks us to reconsider our Facebook/Instagram “so sorry for your loss” responses to the “friends” we don’t really know. In relating his stint as the “designated porn collector,” he reminds us of the messy detritus we leave behind us. After executing a living will, perhaps we should also consider designating a compassionate individual who won’t judge us after death for our very human peccadillos. One reading of this book will not be enough. This collection of “one poem in 20 parts,” is a gift that keeps on giving. Each of the 20 “parts” stands on its own as a comment on love, loss, grieving and hope.

5.0 out of 5 stars Timely Set of Poems

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 14, 2021

You can feel the history when reading these, and all the lives that they’re dedicated to. Some resound strongly with the world today, and you can see how pandemics repeat themselves and how society treats people. I feel I learned something of our history that will stick so strongly. I may end up keeping some copies of these, just to look back on.

5.0 out of 5 stars Queer Excellence

Reviewed in the United States on January 12, 2021

One poem in 20 parts spanning a decade of time during the height of the AIDS epidemic in New York City. The subject alone brings its own set of expectations, but Gaynor outdid himself in every way. While not a long poem, it’s small parts are packed with such vivid visceral feeling.
My feelings about this book are best summed up in an ode to Gaynor in the style of his poem [1984]:

sincere/playful evocative/desire
painful/yearning candid/essential

An important installment in the growing compendium of queer poets writing on queer experiences. I look forward to reading more from Gaynor.
A reader pro-tip: do not skip the introduction. Its introspective manner is an important component to truly understanding and feeling the poems ahead while experiencing them in the age of the current pandemic.

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