This morning I was musing about the things I find hardest to accept, both in my life and human life in general. Quite a few experiences or events fall into this category, to the point that my ongoing revulsion and ‘non-acceptance’ top the list of things that are hard to accept!
Full disclosure: I’m a Virgo, and Virgos are often labeled ‘perfectionists.’ But I take issue with that label; I’m not very perfectionistic about all the little choices that make up my daily life or about others’ daily choices, either. I am deeply perfectionistic, though, about the human ‘big picture’ and the way we treat our planet.
But wait! (As they say in those obnoxious infomercials.) Actually… that’s a big fat lie. I’m very perfectionistic about other peoples’ choices, especially regarding how we treat our fellow humans and our planet. But is that truly ‘perfectionism,’ or just basic human caring?
I have the audacity to believe that we should all treat each other and our planet better — but my strongly held belief hasn’t altered or improved human behavior one iota, has it? Nor have human beings been transforming into a ‘better’ or ‘more perfect’ version of ourselves.
That’s why I think ‘beliefs’ are utter nonsense, at bottom, and serve as a potent opiate of the masses. But wait (again)! I myself am one of these deluded ‘believers’; I believe all sorts of things that either aren’t true or that I merely wish were true — including my belief in the dominance of human rationality, goodness, and caring.
Clearly, the deep ‘soul exploration’ I’m putting into words here will get messy and probably ugly. I truly don’t care; I’m just going to bare my soul and let the chips fall where they may.
Collapse awareness vs. collapse ACCEPTANCE
Ah, yes: human ‘beliefs’ and behavior. Ugh. As an environmental educator and psychological counselor, it pains me greatly that we’ve created a society — and now a worldwide ‘consumer culture’ — that’s fundamentally at odds with the natural world that sustains us. I truly can’t comprehend it — nor can I think of anything more insane than our present course.
Speaking objectively, I have to agree with the ‘doomers’ that human-caused climate disruption and ecological mayhem are accelerating societal collapse. I’ve definitively joined the ranks of the ‘collapse aware’ — in fact, that happened many years ago — but I’m not even close to true ‘collapse acceptance.’
See, deeply accepting intensifying climatic, ecological, and societal collapse also demands deep acceptance of human folly and stupidity — and I’m just not there yet. Not only do I not accept our widespread folly and stupidity, I truly hate and despise these human qualities.
I simply can’t believe — or accept — that human beings are this selfish, short-sighted, greedy, and stupid.
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Damn, there’s that friggin’ perfectionism again! But what lies beneath my anger and perfectionism? If I dig just a little deeper, I find… fear, anxiety, and sheer terror. We’re fucking destroying the planet — and with it ourselves! I mean: holy shit — it’s total madness! W-T-F!?
And we’re supposed to be homo sapiens — ‘wise,’ intelligent beings who behave wisely and rationally. But that’s very obviously not true. How do we accept such apparently ‘built-in’ stupidity and folly? How can I accept such ‘built-in’ stupidity and folly?
How can I (or anyone) ever accept our current horrific ‘human condition’? It’s both ugly and dangerous — and from the point of view of both our societies and our planet, it’s utterly unacceptable.
…
Yet it’s also… our actual, factual reality. To not accept our widespread human condition is to not accept a proven truth and observable reality, and borders on severe delusion. It’s like living in some happy-face ‘La-La Land’ — truth and reality be damned!
A difficult inner struggle
By now, it should be clear that achieving true psychological and emotional acceptance is a major ongoing struggle. Many of us hate the very idea of ‘acceptance’ and think we have to fight injustice, greed, and aggression — but our compulsive efforts to modify and improve human behavior haven’t gotten very far.
I myself am very liberal and often ‘progressive,’ yet I have to admit that my best efforts and plans have not changed anything — and lately it seems like humanity is even moving in reverse. It all seems so… pointless.
This is where the inner struggle gets really interesting — and quite difficult. Consider this: who says we ‘have to’ work to change anything at all? And what gives ME the right to be so presumptuous as to think that I can and should change other peoples’ ideas and behavior?
The real truth is that trying to change the world and human behavior is a fool’s errand. It’s a sure recipe for disappointment, disillusionment, and endless inner pain. Yet, we persist in beating our heads against the wall.
I persist in beating my head against the wall.
Again: WTF!? Why?
The hardest things for me to accept are…
Here’s a (partial) list of the things that are hardest for me to accept:
* Ecological destruction and collapse
* Human stupidity
* Human greed and cruelty
* Widespread denial and delusion (Hmm… are these just aspects of human stupidity?)
* The resurgence of fascism, hate, and misogyny
* Widespread avoidance of personal growth work and personal responsibility
- My own idiocy in continuing to stew over and rage against these things
- My inability to appreciably change any of these things
…
There’s a spiritual teacher named Byron Katie whose entire spiritual teaching can be summed up in three words: “Accept what is.” But she’s not talking about glib, superficial ‘acceptance.’
Rather, she talks and talks — and keeps repeating, since we’re all so dense — about the utter futility of resisting truth and reality and staying ‘stuck’ in our denial, frustration, and pain. (She uses this amusing example: our attempts to ‘improve reality’ are like trying to teach a pet cat to bark; after many repeated attempts, the cat still looks up at us and utters a loud ‘Meow!’) And she also talks about the happiness, energy, and inner peace that come from completely accepting life ‘as is.’
It’s a tough, ugly pill to swallow — yet I think it’s true. The progressive in me hates this idea, but I must (grudgingly) admit that most progressive ideas and causes are non-starters in today’s human cultures.
If I take her teachings to heart — which I haven’t yet — then ALL of the above ‘hard to accept’ items are merely grist for the mill of radical acceptance. The big question, of course, is HOW to get there? (Byron Katie utilizes a pragmatic method she calls ‘The Work.’)
There are actually several publicly available methods (another is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on ‘radical acceptance.’) Yet so far, despite many years of spiritual searching, therapy, and ‘personal growth,’ I’m still unable to ‘let go’ into total acceptance.
It’s still mainly a pie-in-the-sky dream to me.
I’m tired of always trying to change and ‘improve’ things
Perhaps — since I’m engaged in radical truth-telling here — I should revise the above statement to read “I’m still unwilling to ‘let go’ into total acceptance.”
Like many progressives, I have a deep-seated belief (there’s that nasty word again) that holding onto my burning anger about social injustice, misogyny, racism, etc. is a prerequisite for effective social activism. But what if that’s not true? What if we can accept what is, embrace what is, and still choose to fight for justice, equality, and human rights?
To me, this is where the whole issue of acceptance — which is often misunderstood as synonymous with passivity — versus social conscience and activism comes to a head and breaks down.
Most progressives and political activists I’ve known are angry, frustrated, and weary people since their efforts are largely in vain — and their ongoing anger and frustration do not help their activism or their efforts. Instead, they often steal energy from these efforts and also make the activists’ inner lives a living hell.
No wonder they’re so worn out and weary. No wonder I’m so, so tired, disgusted, and weary of trying.
Maybe it’s OK to just ‘be’ — and NOT get trapped in dueling opposites
So, what is the ‘solution’ to this daunting inner quandary? Is it possible to truly live a ‘both/and’ life?
It seems the best, most rational solution is to fully accept reality ‘as is’ and also choose to support and fight for worthy causes. I occasionally get glimpses and ‘flashes’ of this embracing attitude, and I find it immensely appealing and empowering.
Yet some part of me still resists and holds onto old judgments, angers, and disappointments. I still have a long way to go in the ‘acceptance’ arena, clearly — but more and more I’m accepting that this is just where I am at this stage of my life.
In terms of ‘my own idiocy in continuing to stew over and rage against these things’ and ‘my inability to appreciably change any of these things,’ I’m realizing that here, too, I have the choice to accept ‘what is’ — even within myself — and stop feeding my endless annoyance and frustration about our reality and my inability to ‘change things.’
I can ease up on my inner frustration about my supposed ‘failings.’ I can consciously choose to see and ‘get’ where I’m at — without judging or trying to change it.
I can start — if I choose — by accepting my anger and defiant non-acceptance, weird as that sounds.
And maybe that inner ‘loosening’ and freedom can energize me and open the way to even greater activist efforts. Perhaps it would finally allow me to relax and enjoy this amazing life and world more fully and consistently.
All I know for sure is that inner resistance, denial, and non-acceptance lead directly to inner pain and endless frustration. And that doesn’t help anyone — not me, or our society, or our world.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nik on Unsplash
