Approaching the end of a movie and watching the credits roll is a bit poetic. The couple on screen walks off into a sunset together. And we assume that’s just the way their life will continue to go.
Endlessly madly in love, walking off into sunsets over and over again. Giggles, kisses, a constant state of bliss.
We like that stuff in a good romantic comedy. We shut off the TV, look down at the mess on the living room floor, and glance up at the clock.
“Ugh. After midnight already”. Thankfully the kids are in bed and sleeping soundly.
We drag ourselves to our room thinking about all the chores that await us in the morning. All the things we have to do.
There are no excuses in the real world.
What the big screen doesn’t show us in the romantic comedy is the need to consistently show up.
Life isn’t easy. And when we choose to pick a partner to go through it with, we’re willingly walking into change. We’re accepting challenge.
We don’t get to continually walk off into the sunset every day, holding hands and skipping our way into the distance.
No. Life is much more complicated than that. There are external factors that will not leave us alone. There are other commitments.
As much as we want to be entrenched in the bliss of loving somebody, life has other plans for us on a daily basis. The grind of it all can become numbing to the soul.
Does that mean all hope is lost? Of course not. It just means that being in love forever takes dedication. It takes work.
Hollywood shows us the beginning of almost every relationship. But that’s the easy part.
You could simply be attracted to someone’s charm and fall in love with them, choosing to spend your time enmeshed in their conscious thoughts.
The infatuation takes over early on. It’s too simple to love someone in the beginning stages. You need to muck it up with life in order to really know this thing is real.
- Be together for years
- Plan a wedding
- Move
- Have kids
- Get new jobs
- Make new friendships
The list can be as long as you want it to be. The fact remains — life gets distracting. It starts pulling at the attention of two people.
Before too long, you barely have enough time to talk to your person for 10 minutes at the end of a long day.
A day that consists of getting the kids up and ready, getting yourself ready, going to work, going to soccer practice, maybe a basketball game, getting takeout on the way home, and resting for an hour before you cash in for the night.
When I was a kid, I would watch a movie with my Dad and then something dramatic would happen and he would say every time — “the plot thickens”.
That’s life. The plot thickens. And when you’re in the thick of it, you have to count on the teammate you chose for the battle.
You don’t count on them for the romantic getaway, the constant physical affection, or the deep stares that you once shared as younger people.
You count on them for the every day grind. To show up. To honor the commitment. You count on them to be there to catch you in the midst of a trust fall, because you’re too tired to give a full – strength hug.
The romantic getaway will be there, sure, when you plan a vacation — just for two — to Hawaii.
But those moments become few when your kids are little and you’re in survival mode. Or when you have middle schoolers that signed up for a hundred things and need a personal taxi service.
Those moments are fewer, but your capacity for your partner cannot be understated. You might think you don’t have it in you.
The truth is your love for them runs deeper than ever before. You just haven’t had time to dig for it.
During WW1, trench warfare became very common. Some would describe the conditions hellish. Soldiers spent a lot of their time re-stocking ammo, filling sand bags for defensive reinforcement, digging new trenches or clearing out the current one.
The work was tiresome, dirty, and there was seemingly no end in sight while the constant anxiety of the advancement of their enemy lurked in the forefront of their mind.
What couldn’t be calculated was their admiration, love, and appreciation for their brother in arms alongside them. In the trenches.
Every day the chores were there. And every day the battlefield stared them in the face, daring them to give up.
Maybe they would have given up if they were simply fighting for themselves.
The idea of happily ever after is certainly attainable. It might not be Hollywood’s version. In the end, it might be a choice that you have to make.
The determining factor could be whether you’re in the trenches fighting for yourself, or the person right beside you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash