The Incredibly Simplistic (Yet Profound) Key to Love That Lasts

Very few experiences are universal to all of humanity. Some of those experiences include birth, death, taxes, and of course — love.

I know of no one who goes out of their way to refrain from partaking in the uniquely human roller-coaster that encapsulates love.

Everyone wants it in some capacity, yearning to find themselves wrapped up in an embrace similar to the oh so happy couple pictured above.

Love alters our perspective (usually for the better), makes us happier than without it, contributes to an extra pep in our step, motivates us to take action on behalf of our loved one(s), and provides us with a sense of fulfillment and wholeness.

Whether it manifests itself as friends with benefits, lifelong romantic partners, or marriage, intimate relationships chock-full of love exist in a variety of forms.

Still, love has its downsides. Look no further than current divorce rates.

In the United States alone, those rates hover between 40 and 50 percent, a ghastly statistic that shows how frail lifelong unions have become.

It doesn’t help that marriage rates are declining not just in the country, but across the globe as well.

Is marriage becoming obsolete? Is this institution on its way out the door? How do these statistics impact the concept of love as a whole?

Personally, I believe the issue is much more nuanced: Regardless of the type of relationship, very few people truly understand the subtle yet profound key to love that lasts — novelty.

Allow me to elaborate further with a story most can relate to.

Young Love: A Marriage Story

A handful number of human endeavors compare to young love. I’m not talking high school “puppy dog love,” though that’s an experience in and of itself.

I’m talking about the more established yet equally as exciting love you find as a young adult. It requires concerted effort, but when finally realized, makes the arduous journey worthwhile.

There’s a couple I know that personified the epitome of what a marriage should look like, at least in the beginning. We’ll call the husband Brett and his wife Andy.

Brett and Andy are a few years older than me, but that never took away from our ability to hang out or remain amicable around one another. We all met at a local young adult ministry in the south.

Andy was infatuated with Brett from the moment they met. Brett, on the other hand, found her to be incredibly annoying and clingy. Despite this, Andy somehow convinced him to pursue a relationship with her.

Things started off rocky; their personalities didn’t click, as Brett is an ambivert while Andy is a textbook extrovert. At one point, Brett came to me, stating that he was done with her completely.

They were able to get past whatever made him feel that way after a lengthy conversation, a “heart-to-heart” as Andy would call it.

From that point forward, they became ultra intentional with each other, seeking out mentors to serve as guides, reading books centered around building healthy relationships, and praying unceasingly about what they truly wanted.

After a year of dating (and Andy’s consistent passive-aggressive attempts to get him to propose), Brett popped the question. Even though Andy’s parents had concerns about their age (Brett was 26 at the time; Andy was 24), they gave them their blessing.

They got married in September of that year. Children of divorced parents, both Brett and Andy vowed to put in the required work to prevent their marriage from ending up like their parents.

The couple believed that with faith, hard work, and consistency, they’d beat the odds and remain together forever.

Had they understood the importance of novelty, their optimism wouldn’t have become misplaced.

The Dangers of Stagnation

The reason so many relationships fail isn’t because of a lack of love between both parties. It’s due to stagnation, one of the worst ways to feel in an intimate partnership.

Look at the screenshot above if you doubt this. When plans start to feel like a routine, it’s usually because that’s exactly what’s going on. There’s a major lack of new experiences or diversity in your approach to making plans.

Things begin to feel less meaningful, draining you of the enthusiasm you once held for them. That’s what leads to stagnation.

Stagnation, simply defined, is a lack of activity, growth, or development. In the case of Brett and Andy, they didn’t experience this during their first few years of marriage.

They were still getting used to sharing a bed, building a home, combining finances, going out on dates, and engaging in other activities that had an “air of newness” to them as man and wife.

Once the euphoria from how new everything was subsided, that’s when problems started surfacing. The excitement from finding a lifelong partner dissipated, making it easier for them to take each other for granted.

Fighting replaced cuddling. Arguments took the place of candid conversations. Negativity overtook optimism.

Rather than rely on childrearing to save their marriage, they split up later on. When I asked Brett how they got there, he simply said,

“We had too many problems to overcome, problems that felt like they came out of nowhere. There weren’t enough positive moments. It felt like all we could do was bring the worst out of each other.”

He wasn’t the same after that. Brett moved to the West Coast to restart, leaving the remnants of his relationship and Andy in the south.

The Important Takeaway

Love that lasts requires consistent, randomized novelty to avoid stagnation.

Stagnation leads to boredom. You no longer feel excited about your relationship, so you’re less inclined to take action to change things for the better. Action requires more energy than you can spare because you feel drained.

Boredom ushers in feelings of melancholy. You’re sad (or despondent) most of the time as a direct result of your thoughts. The more morose those thoughts, the greater your likelihood of becoming bitter.

You start to ponder the earlier days of your relationship when everything seemed better. You may even start to develop a wandering eye, desperate to feel the excitement you felt while dating and courting your significant other.

Under the surface, deep in your subconscious, the real issue is a lack of novelty.

Things seemed better at the beginning because the experiences were fresh. You consider infidelity because of the potential thrills, thrills rooted in new escapades.

Final Thoughts

The underlying assumption when it comes to love that lasts is that you want to stay with your partner. Embracing novelty won’t work if you don’t want to remain in the relationship.

Also, what works for one couple isn’t guaranteed to work for another. Novelty won’t look the same for everyone. A childless couple in their tenth year of marriage encounters different obstacles than two executive VPs with five kids.

The point is to figure out how much novelty is needed to keep your relationship fresh and devoid of emotions that, if left unchecked, can destroy your union.

The quicker you find a level of novelty that is both practical AND enjoyable, the sooner your relationship can return to its glory days.

If you play your cards right, you’ll find yourself once again optimistic, grateful to be with a partner who plays their role in cultivating love that lasts.

Then, all of a sudden, something as simple as watching the sunset together evokes strong feelings of closeness and connectivity.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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