The Lonely Soul’s Search

Sometimes, I wonder if I just don’t deserve to have a good friend…

That friend who just comes and sits beside me without any explanation. Who sits with me silently, and yet makes me feel that I am being heard.

Lately, I have been having a sea of thoughts flowing through my mind, like the clouds in a storm, which keep fighting me and exhausting me. It feels like I am drowning in the sea of my own loneliness, looking for a straw, but there is no shore in sight. The more I try to fill this emptiness, the deeper it gets, as if this loneliness has seeped into every corner of my soul. It is not that there are no people around me—but that true connection, that real relationship, seems to be lost in the mist somewhere far away.

And then, I find myself trapped in this cycle. I make mistakes. Anything, just to escape the burden of this loneliness. I hide my heartbeats, and waste time, so that I don’t realize that no one really knows me… And sometimes, I even feel scared of myself, like I have lost myself.

What happens when you have that friend? Who makes life not lonely but a beautiful journey, who is with you at every step, as if both of us are living every moment together? I search for those moments—those paths, that magic, those long talks, which do not stop till nights, that friendship where there is no strangeness even in silence, rather that silence itself becomes a beautiful song. Where just being with each other is everything.

But here I sit, confused, wondering if this search will ever end. Why does it feel like I’m floating on a soft breeze, waiting for someone who will never come, or, am I too much for anyone?

I don’t know why life feels so lonely sometimes. But I do know that I will keep searching, keep writing, keep hoping that one day that friend will come who will understand the depth of my silence, and just feel the joy of being with each other, without any conditions.

Until then, I will just keep writing, talking to the pages, and waiting for the day when someone else will hear my voice, and I will find someone who will understand my silence.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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