This is in response to one of our many Call for Submissions writing prompts and in concert with our partnership with Stigma Fighters.
Living with mental illness is never easy for anyone.
It can be crippling and devastating—not only for yourself, but your loved ones as well. It seems as though women have a better handle on the stigma of diagnosis than men do. Maybe it is because women are born into the stereotype of being considered crazy just for our emotions, but men have a really hard time admitting to, finding help for, and opening up about their diagnoses.
My husband is one of them. While I never doubted nor denied that I was displaying symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD, he, on the other hand, will not accept the diagnosis he has of Addictive Personality, Explosive Anger Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder, let alone stick with treatment of such.
Something needs to change.
No one from the outside would ever realize my husband is struggling. Even he does not see it, most of the time. That is, until I bring his symptoms to his attention. They aren’t easy to spot when he’s not in a full blown episode because he has learned to compartmentalize all of his emotions. I couldn’t imagine having to live like that out of the fear of being ostracized. But he does.
He gets up every day on time, gets ready, and heads off to a job that breaks his bones and wanes on his nerves for twelve daunting hours.
He doesn’t make excuses to miss or drag his feet about it—even when he feels the weight of his illness mounting.
He carries himself with grace and humility—even when he is ready to implode inside his mind.
He is reliable and dependable, even when he is breaking under the weight of his mental illness.
No man should have to live like that.
Having a mental health diagnosis should not affect the way one sees himself. It should not define who they are as a person, no different than diabetes, cancer, or heart disease fail to define those who are inflicted. Yet, we have an entire population of men who still believe that mental illness makes you crazy. It revokes the man card, diminishing their masculinity into feminism, they think. Because only “woman are off their chain insane with emotional issues.” Never men.
The fact of the matter is, mental illness does not affect one’s gender traits nor will it take away from one’s display of character. It won’t make you a coward nor will it make you weak to embrace your diagnosis.
What is cowardly is hiding the truth from the world, putting up a front for the public only to tailspin into chaos at home, in private, does not make one any manlier. It does quite the opposite, actually. It shows that one is not at peace with himself. That he is unable to take responsibility over his well-being, ignoring what could possibly be holding him back from a truly enjoyable life. It is more heroic to face one’s mental health issues head on than it is to deny they exist.
The more men speak up, the less stigma will reign.
No one is perfect, after all. Maybe then my husband will follow suit and accept the flawed design in his own infrastructure and seek treatment for his needs. The bravest stance a man can take is honesty and there is no shame admitting you need a little help being the best you you can be. It takes a really good man at heart to stand up and be the change his brothers need.
Will you be one of them?
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Photo: Getty Images
Read Kristina Hammer every week here on The Good Men Project!
Another post from Women on how “the Good Men” should be…he has to have some personality issue..some mental problem….because she has chose to embrace one…and excuse perhaps…i believe the issue is you bound to get pissed off once in a while….its not a medical problem but human nature… you see the strain he is under.
Keeping it together at work and falling apart at home is usually all about self-preservation and damage control. You can apologize to your family and friends, but your professional reputation seems (and probably is) more delicate. I think that on some level, men resist mental health treatment because of a recognition that some things will not change: – You still cannot expect to be open about your condition and/or treatment at work without repercussions. – You will likely lose some friends by admitting that your mental illness is a reality, not just a possibility. And if you’re not already involved… Read more »
Part of the issue too is that the male role is to protect and provide. But if a man is vulnerable – that is, if he can’t protect himself – then how can he protect his wife and kids? His ability to protect and provide is often more valued than his well being – by society, by other men, and by women. The message that he must be the change his wife and kids need speaks directly to his role of protecting and providing, though in this case it’s emotional protection (at times, from himself). But if he’s doing this… Read more »
We also have to admit the role that women play in this. We think it is threatening to women when we share a bit of vulnerability, try a mental health issue. Scares the shit out of them, and a big part of the reason that men are conditioned to believe themselves invincible is not them, but the women in their lives, the society that they exist in. It is often more a sense of feeling that we are letting those around us down then it is male ego. Society is not even set up for it. We still deny that… Read more »
There are several issues that can be part of the answer, but none are easy to fix. I will try to explain out each in a way that I have seen in many. There is a stigma. There is no getting around this but a better question would be where it came from and what is its functionality? In times of conflict, being able to endure even while hurt is a net gain in survival. From the Cave men to the Tunnel Rats of Veitnam, this pattern is largely not only unchanged but still demanded. The Draft is still for… Read more »
There is a strong stigma about men seeking help and if mental health was affordable or free, there would not be a problem paying for help.
—The more men speak up, the less stigma will reign.
Never direct a “stigma”.
It is not OK to do so.
It is OK to educate anyone who does.
It is, in fact, imperative to do so to end the harm they do.