The ‘Man-Up’ Dilemma

Okay guy, man-up! Stop crying, don’t be such a sissy! Stop acting like a girl! This is what we tell boys and young men when they are not acting “manly” enough, aggressive enough, or sufficiently self-confident. Born in the crucible of the school playground, brutal peers eagerly demand of boys as young as five years old that they “man up.”

In response, most boys shut down, internalizing the trauma and carrying it silently into adulthood.

The verb phrase “man-up” is having a moment. Originally used normatively much like “staff-up,” as in “manning up a ship’s crew,” the phrase has gone through numerous changes in usage in recent years. American football picked it up in the 1980s to mean maintaining an aggressive defense. At a glance, “man-up” joins many other phrasal verbs in American and British English: lift up, stand up, fire up, wake up, etc., where the word “up” does little to alter the meaning.

But “man-up” is different. The “up” expresses an imperative, a rising movement toward proper masculinity. Best as we know, this particular meaning began on the rodeo circuit in the 1970s: “Cowboy up, get tough, get tough!” Over the years, the phrase has been used for many purposes and in many contexts including two comedy motion pictures in 2013 and 2015 respectively, a variety of self-help books for men, as an advertising slogan, and as a religious movement. There is even a global “man-up” campaign to enlist youth in an effort to stop violence against women and girls.

The phrase “man-up” was used by the Molson Coors brewing company in an attempt to package machismo as a commodity. The company ran a disastrous series of advertisements for Miller Lite beer in 2010 around the twin concepts of “man-up” and “unmanly” that managed inadvertently to both shame men and hypersexualize women. More recently, the terms “man-up” and “woman-up” have been appropriated by businesses that sell hormone performance products for men and women respectively.

As an idiom, the phrase “man-up” is loaded with meaning, and yet there is no literal definition. There is also no opposite, since “man-down” generally refers to a man who is injured or killed in battle or perhaps lost to suicide. Finally, there is no opposite-gender equivalent: “woman-up” is meaningless. Nor is there any comparable phrase for women that effectively shames them while at the same time demands that they be strong, resilient, and self-reliant, right now!

The ‘Man-Up’ Debate

In recent years, the phrase has provoked debate. Many now fear that the phrase promotes a toxic brand of masculinity that harms children and adult men alike.

Some parents, to their credit, successfully avoid the phrase with their sons during the pre-school years. Unfortunately, most kids are ambushed when they start school and must confront the schoolyard bullies intent on tearing them down and beating them up. Parents of boys not aware of this peer dynamic are often shocked when their adolescent or teen boy quickly shuts down and refuses to speak about anything more serious than the weather.

The Cambridge Dictionary offers a polite meaning of this phrasal verb:

“[It is] used to tell someone that they should deal with something more bravely.”

The Urban Dictionary digs deeper into the slang:

“(1) Female shaming term used to make men act against their own self-interest and for the benefit of women; (2) To take responsibility for your selfish actions, reflect on the consequences, and make an effort to make things right through words and actions; (3) An uplifting imperative, derived from the saying “be a man about it” — to grow a pair [of balls], to stop being childish, to stop complaining, etc.”

VoiceBox points out that “man-up” is all about man shaming, gender bias and discrimination among men, and that this type of socialization so common for guys has significant mental health consequences:

“When we tell a boy or man to ‘man up,’ we are telling them that we expect them to be strong, resilient, and self-reliant. But it’s these expectations which discourage men and boys from seeking help or expressing vulnerability, reinforcing the notion that mental health struggles are a sign of weakness.”

Piers Morgan on the program “Good Morning Britain” recently confronted Christopher Muwanguzi on this question in popular media today: Why is it wrong to use the phrase “man-up?” The brief debate takes on both the traditional meanings of “masculinity” and the relatively recent belief that men’s behavior is overly restricted by the concept.

Joe Ehrmann, the former NFL football star and currently a leadership coach and pastoral minister, has another point of view. He points out that the three most destructive words for boys are “be a man.” He explains that, through socialization, this creates an empathy deficit disorder which leads to covert depression and social isolation among men. These factors are then easily converted to substance abuse, violence against women, and suicide.

Teacher and motivational speaker Ashanti Branch describes the predicament for teenage boys and men in terms of wearing masks. The masks offer the world one set of impressions on the outside — being strong, good at sports, funny, etc. — while covering up genuine internal feelings such as anger, sadness and confusion. But he points out that any effort to remove the masks requires a community-wide effort. This is the main barrier facing teens and adult men, since without community engagement, they would face significant backlash and even personal attacks.

At the other end of this popular culture debate is Josh Hawley whose 2023 book Manhood: The Masculine Virtues America Needs claims that young men who avoid manning-up are not living up to their true masculine potential. Hawley defines masculine strengths as responsibility, bravery, fidelity, and leadership. He suggests that

“the character of men and the male virtue that goes along with it is a necessary ingredient to a functioning society and a healthy, free republic.”

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Psychologist Michael W. Regier addresses the “man-up” consequences that often emerge in adult relationships:

• Men feel overwhelming shame when something goes wrong
• Men want to jump to fixing a problem whereas many women just want them to listen
• Accustomed to repressing their feelings, men may have difficulty identifying what it is they are feeling
• Some men dissociate during conflicts, a response to recalled childhood relational trauma

Fear of appearing too “gay” is another major issue. Teens and young men who are cisgender will often avoid letting feelings show because they have a deep-seated fear of appearing “gay.” Many avoid crying, either from sorrow or joy, and will hide this emotional reaction at all costs.

Sometimes, adult men coping with man-up-induced childhood trauma develop a coping mechanism by withdrawing emotionally. Others quickly experience emotional overload and have difficulty identifying what they are actually feeling. Many fear being judged for their feelings because they were so harshly judged as children.

Who Promotes Male Gendered Culture?

Judy Chu and Mark Greene point out that men police other men’s behavior and that this begins in primary school. In this sense, “man-up” culture is just another name for “man-box” restrictions. They contend that learning to behave “like a man” is a kind of performance that is constantly monitored by other men.

Many women become allied in this performance management, perhaps without even realizing their role. Sometimes, women who realize that men are performing will attempt to change them. This is a mistake and represents nothing more than co-dependence. Similarly, women blaming men for the way they behave is also never useful. Nevertheless, most women seem to prefer men who are, at least in their eyes, “manly.”

But sometimes in adult relationships, one partner needs to decide if some aspect of the partnership is negotiable. No partnership is ideal in every way, and as two people get to know each other, issues and conflicts will most certainly arise. Many men find it difficult to participate in such a discussion because it threatens their internalized dominance-based masculine self-perception.

What is Man-Up Culture?

“Man-up” is just a more recent way of saying “man-box” culture or dominance-based masculine culture. It is a set of expectations about how boys and men should behave, and it has dominated Western societies for several hundred years.

The following traits are commonly recognized by “man-box” culture:

• Never ask for help, deal with your own problems
• Always act tough, use threat or violence whenever needed
• A man should be physically attractive without spending too much time doing it
• Rigid masculine gender roles: men should not be doing domestic chores or learn how to cook, sew or look after young children
• Heterosexuality and homophobia: a gay guy is not a “real man”; never do anything that appears “gay”
• Hypersexuality: a man should have as many sexual partners as possible
• Aggression and control: use violence or threat to gain respect, a man should always have the final say about decisions in his relationship or marriage

“Man-up” culture amounts to emotional suppression for men. It does not allow men to experience or express deep human emotions related to vulnerability, sadness or lack of social connections. Man-up culture imagines a time when men were stoic and strong, and all was good. At best, this is an ill-defined and imaginary past.

From today’s vantage point, some of these traits seem dated, and many young men, especially millennials, are eschewing the violent and threatening traits along with the aggression and hypersexuality. These young men are willing to risk appearing “not a real man” in order to become unique individuals, or in other words, to be true to themselves. These are admirable efforts, but there remains a predominant masculine point of view that looks at these young men and believes they need to “grow-up and man-up.”

Man-Up Denied: A Man’s Dilemma

In a 2019 Tedx talk, Fraser Smith describes the extraordinary mixed messages men receive. On the one hand they are urged to become more vulnerable and emotionally available, but on the other they are viewed as predatory and violent. He describes the fallout of the #MeToo movement on men, which although a much-needed correction for women, left many men doubting their identities. He notes that men are a highly diverse group, and that he himself strives to be the man he believes he is, even if it does not align cleanly with traditional or enlightened masculinity.

This is every man’s dilemma. When we step out into the world, what kind of man shall we be? Ideally, we each know ourselves reasonably well, and have defined for ourselves our identities and values, although sadly, many men perceive only a shallow version of themselves. What we cannot control is how others see us. Outward appearances may at least imply the unique men we truly are, but ultimately we must learn to express ourselves in honest and genuine ways.

Perhaps most challenging is to overtly deny man-up expectations. As a matter of personal choice, this may well be possible. But, exceptions aside, we should not expect to effectively communicate our true and specific identities without and until others come to know us personally.

For most men who find themselves somehow in the middle of the masculinity spectrum, ordinary guys with enlightened outlooks, the challenge is to convey a soft-spoken, gentle and comfortable sensibility. Other men will surely notice, and perhaps also some women.

Either way, we will assert our independence from “man-up” culture, and at the same time celebrate all the ways in which we are both unique and diverse.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies and writes about gender, mindfulness, and on occasion, the American experiment.

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