Stop Settling

One thing I’ll never apologize for is choosing a man who is a real man.

A man who protects, provides and who creates stability instead of chaos.

A man whose strength allows me to soften instead of forcing me to live in survival mode.

I’m almost fifty years old now, and after more than thirty-two years of marriage, heartbreak, healing, rebuilding, and learning, I’ve come to believe something that isn’t particularly popular to say out loud.

Too many of us are settling for far less than what we were created for because we don’t actually know what healthy looks like.

There seems to be an endless conversation today about what’s wrong with men and what’s wrong with women. Women long for men who make them feel safe, who protect, provide, lead with integrity, and create stability. Men often long for women who trust them, respect them, appreciate them, and believe in them. Yet somewhere along the way we’ve blurred those roles so completely that we’ve become confused about what we’re actually asking one another to become.

No sh*t, Sherlock.

If we’ve removed the very qualities we’re longing for, why are we surprised when they’re missing?

Over the last three decades, I’ve experienced more than one version of love. My first marriage lasted nearly twenty years. Looking back, I don’t believe either of us woke up intending to create an unhealthy marriage. We loved our children. We wanted a beautiful life. Somewhere along the way, however, we stopped building the kind of relationship that allowed both of us to become the healthiest versions of ourselves.

As the years passed, I found myself carrying more responsibility than my nervous system was ever designed to carry. Chronic stress, hypervigilance, over-functioning and survival became normal. Eventually, that affected our marriage, our children, and the way we saw ourselves. Neither of us truly flourished because both of us were operating from places that still needed healing.

When that marriage ended, I promised myself I would choose differently.

I remember telling people that all I wanted was stability.

At the time, I honestly believed I knew exactly what that meant.

What I didn’t understand was that unhealed wounds have a remarkable way of redefining our standards.

Instead of recognizing healthy strength, I confused control for stability. What looked secure from the outside slowly revealed itself to be something entirely different. Narcissistic control rarely introduces itself honestly. It often arrives dressed as confidence, certainty, and protection. By the time I recognized what I had stepped into, I had already surrendered pieces of myself that I never intended to lose.

Healing has a humbling way of exposing the places that still need healing.

That’s why I no longer believe the real question is, “Why do I keep settling?”

The better question is, “What inside me made unhealthy feel familiar?”

That single question changed my life.

It forced me to stop evaluating relationships by chemistry, attraction, or temporary feelings and start paying attention to something much deeper: emotional safety, consistency, humility, integrity, peace, and character. Along the way, I also had to admit that peace initially felt uncomfortable because I had spent so many years adapting to stress. My nervous system had become so accustomed to chaos that calm almost felt suspicious.

Strength and domination are not the same thing.

Leadership and control are not the same thing.

Protection and possession are CERTAINLY not the same thing.

Today, I find myself in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever experienced.

Has it been perfect?

Of course not.

We’ve had difficult conversations. We’ve had moments when I genuinely wondered whether we were going to make it. We’ve walked through misunderstandings, disappointments, and seasons where both of us needed to grow. Yet even in those moments, something inside each of us knew that the answer wasn’t giving up on one another. The answer was continuing to heal ourselves while choosing the relationship again.

That changes everything.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning what it feels like to soften without feeling unsafe. As trauma would have it, I’m still healing. There are still moments when my nervous system wants to retreat into old patterns of hyper-independence because those patterns once protected me. Learning what genuine safety feels like is taking time, and that’s okay. Healing isn’t about never feeling triggered again. It’s about recognizing the trigger, understanding where it came from, and consciously choosing a different response.

Some people will read this and assume I’m suggesting women should become smaller.

I’m not.

I’m suggesting something far more beautiful.

Healthy masculinity doesn’t diminish a strong woman. It creates an environment where she no longer has to carry every burden by herself. Healthy femininity doesn’t diminish a strong man either. It creates a relationship where strength is met with trust instead of competition, and leadership is balanced by wisdom, kindness, respect, and love.

When we’re living in that kind of harmony, that’s what our children learn from.

When we’re living in chaos…

That too is what our children learn from.

Looking back, I don’t believe either of my previous relationships failed because love was absent.

I believe they struggled because wounds were louder than wisdom.

Healing changes that.

Of course, it’s not overnight or perfectly, but little by little it teaches us that we were never meant to settle for relationships built on survival.

We were created for something far healthier than merely surviving each other.

Perhaps that’s the real question today.

Not…

“Why do I keep settling for less than I deserve?”

But…

“What version of love have I convinced myself is normal?”

Because the answer to that question has the power to change every relationship that follows.

→What is one thing you’ve learned about relationships that you wish someone had taught you twenty years ago?

Share it in the comments.

Maybe your lesson will become the encouragement someone else needs today.

And if this resonated, share it. Healthy relationships don’t happen by accident. They happen when we’re willing to heal the parts of ourselves that once convinced us survival was the same thing as love.

As always loving and praying for you and our world,

Rene Schooler

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This post was previously published on medium.com.