Content warning: this article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation. If you or anyone you know needs help, please call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help.
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Suicide is the unfortunate fate of a lot of narcissistic abuse victims. There’s only so much a person can take. There’s only so much trauma the human body can handle. And everyone has a breaking point.
It’s not surprising to find out how many victims attempt suicide. It’s even sadder when you learn just how many have succeeded. I wrote about a case, in the following article:
The victim was my friend Kimmy.
She died by suicide at 19 years old in 2012.
She’d been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist since high school. In spite of his abuse, it was finding out about another woman that pushed Kimmy over the edge.
Kimmy hung herself.
(It was her mother who found her body and let us all know.)
The events that took place during the two-day duration of Kimmy’s wake and funeral have stayed with me. There were many truths exposed and too many people to blame.
But it was watching the cycle of abuse Kimmy’s boyfriend somehow managed to put her through, after death, that left me disturbed.
I had no idea the nauseating way narcissists handle the death of their primary source of supply,
Until Kimmy died.
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Her Death Was Devalued and Minimized by Him
He showed up late to her wake and even later to her funeral.
On the night of Kimmy’s wake, he was one of the people who showed up later. Tensions were high because nearly everyone knew he was the reason she was dead.
A number of us had to restrain the men from our high school from hurting him and we only did that out of respect for her family. Her family allowed him there strictly because he was the boy Kimmy loved.
He showed up late and hardly (if ever) spoke to anyone but his friends. I remember watching him interact with friends and it was strange. He looked like he was trying to look like he was in mourning.
The problem was he kept breaking character and would start goofing off with his friends. The following morning, at Kimmy’s funeral, he showed up even later.
In fact, he showed up so late that by the time he walked in the funeral had already gotten started. And the worst part about this is he didn’t come empty-handed. He came with another woman.
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Kimmy Was Triangulated at Her Own Funeral
This was how he breadcrumbed Kimmy (even in death)
No tears.
No remorse.
No genuine indicators of guilt.
Just him walking in late… holding another woman’s hand.
Holding these yellow roses that were handed to him by the people running the ceremony. We were all given these yellow flowers to take up to Kimmy’s casket and lay beside her.
He had those yellow roses in his left hand and her hand in his left. Together, they walked up to Kimmy’s casket and laid their flowers down.
And then they embraced each other for a long time, directly in front of Kimmy’s dead body.
He was devaluing Kimmy, even in death; parading the new supply in front of her (and all of us) despite the fact that she wasn’t really here, to know it.
This is how little he valued her.
He was bold enough to basically discard her after she was already dead by walking in with her replacement.
This was a calculated move on his part
Because he didn’t bring her to the wake, the day before.
He brought her to the funeral, on the last day of a two-day event. And No one could say a word out of respect for the funeral procession, but we were all shocked. Kimmy didn’t fucking deserve this.
Kimmy was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known, to date. This is what makes the motive behind her suicide so unfair because the person she gave the best of her love to is still the one person who was actually responsible for Kimmy’s suicide.
And he knew that.
We all knew that.
And here he was, standing in front of her dead body… with another woman. A woman who wasn’t even the new supply Kimmy had actually taken her life over. This was another woman.
(Rumors have it, she was a friend of Kimmy’s too.)
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Kimmy Was Held Responsible for Her Death
She was the victim of a smear campaign at her own funeral
The priest who lead the wake and the funeral told us that Kimmy committed a sin and was condemned to never know peace in the afterlife.
I was shocked because essentially he was telling a room full of mourners that… the girl they all loved wasn’t making it into heaven or any peaceful transition that we were all truly hoping for her, because of one choice she made while she was at her lowest point.
Kimmy was more than her last moment. And she was more than her last decision too. But I have to respect that this was how suicide was viewed in her culture. Kimmy was Hindu.
On the day of her funeral, the priest informed us that there would be a ceremony performed to save her soul taking place that day and that it was a ceremony that could only be performed by men.
Kimmy’s boyfriend was handpicked to take part in this ceremony, by the priest. Specifically because of his relation to her. This left a really bad taste in so many of our mouths but there was nothing we could do about it.
The whole ceremony felt like we were all being gaslit
Especially Kimmy.
Not only had Kimmy’s death been blamed on her when the man who was instrumental in her suicide was there in the same room… But now he was taking part in the ceremony to “save her” from eternal damnation.
And now the woman he brought with him (Kimmy’s friend) was sitting in the front row at her friend’s funeral, as her dead friend’s boyfriend (who is now her new man) participated in a ritual to save her from damnation for killing herself because of how badly she was being abused — by him.
This was the most brutal unmasking I have ever seen.
And it just kept getting worse from there too.
I mention in the original article (linked in the intro) that Kimmy’s mother had a massive breakdown at the very end of her funeral. What I didn’t mention was that Kimmy’s boyfriend had no reaction at all to this.
Again —
- no tears
- no remorse
- no guilt
In fact, he looked bored.
It was as if he was at her funeral out of obligation.
(And he never let go of that woman’s hand.)
This is how little he valued Kimmy.
This is how little her life meant to him.
And considering just how much she really loved him…
This was just so unfair.
I hated witnessing this.
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Kimmy Was Nothing More Than Supply
The cold hard truth you need to understand about narcissists
You are nothing more than supply.
- you
- me
- their ex
- their next (the new supply)
- even their own damn families
We are (all) nothing more than supply.
We are as good as what attracted them to us in the first place but it will never be enough which is why we will always be replaced. Should something happen to us there will be no mourning period.
And should they be the reason for it there will be no accountability. We will be held responsible for our own actions, disregarding the influence.
I have to make this clear because many victims of narcissists,
Either —
- attempt suicide, or
- successfully carry out their own suicides
And this isn’t being talked about enough.
As someone who survived her own suicide attempt in early February 2020, I understand that narcissists have no remorse for pushing their victims toward taking their own life. They will simply move on to supply they’ve either,
- already lined up
- return to the old supply
or
- both
- But there will be no genuine regret over you.
Take Note
This narcissist was bold enough to:
- Minimize the impact of Kimmy’s death by showing up late for her wake; and even later for her funeral.
- Triangulate her by walking in on the second day and discarding her (after she was already dead) by walking in with a newer source of supply who was familiar to her.
- Breadcrumb Kimmy by using his presence to pull off each of these stages of abuse.
- Gaslight Kimmy by taking part in a ceremony that was geared to save her from the sin of suicide that he pushed her towards committing.
- Minimize the severity of her death by publicly broadcasting her replacement.
Proving that Kimmy was truly nothing more than an expendable source of supply. He treated her like garbage throughout the relationship and he treated her even worse at her own damn funeral.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
