When you’re divorced, is re-marriage necessary to teach your children about healthy relationships?
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It remains my gravest worry, much more than my anxiety around their emotional wellbeing or their predicted academic fallout. What keeps me awake at night is thinking how divorce will affect my children’s view on relationships and marriage. These other elements, important as they may be, are cursory to how they will eventually view marriage – while under the influence of their parents’ miserable failure at it.
I grew up Southern Baptist, and well, divorce and alcohol doesn’t get one fast tracked to the pearly gates. In Sunday school we learned that fire and brimstone awaited the divorced heathen and rap musicians. No one in my family was divorced, I broke that seal. It’s an accomplishment I don’t brag about. Divorce was never the option, it was viewed as the easy way out versus doing what’s right. While parochial by today’s standards, it was this context that helped frame my foremost attitude on marriage – that the vow of ‘till death’ was literal. Marriage wasn’t seen as an obligation, we knew many people who chose to remain single, but it was expected to last when and if it happened.
On this foundation I began my own marriage. There were no exit strategy or prenup; my chips were ‘all in’. And even as we began to suffer the spasms that come with any marriage, divorce never once crossed my mind in a serious way. I believed whatever happened would be worked through, the same as had been done by generations of family before. An inheritance of lifelong matrimony was bestowed on us, a family tradition needed defending, and I had every intention living up to the call and passing that legacy to my children.
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It was in this rich matrimonial soil the feelings of failure and guilt about my own divorce took root. The legacy was forsaken; that banner had been stripped away never be reclaimed. My shame was underscored by the realization that, as a divorced father, I was now incapable of modeling for my children all the goodness of marriage I grew up believing. How could I demonstrate to my son what an honorable, faithful, and loving husband looks like without being one? How could I set the benchmark for my future son-in-law if I failed as one? And how was I to respond to that cultural babble declaring marriage as unnecessary – while remaining a single man?
What message does it send to my eleven-year-old daughter if I bounce from one woman to the next in a string of 6-month liaisons, that men are unreliable, irresponsible, commitment-phobes?
There is an ongoing national debate on whether divorcees should ever remarry, it becomes especially heated if neither want children or desire more than they already have. For some it’s a theological question, for others there are financial elements, and still others simply believe marriage is too emotionally and sexually oppressive. But divorced parents have far more to consider than the division of assets, a titillating sex life, and our own erratic happiness.
The greatest responsibility of a mother or father is teaching their children how to flourish in this world. Over a short period of eighteen or so years we must prepare our kids, as best we can, to successfully navigate the rest of their life, to point the way towards their own peace and prosperity. There isn’t a single aspect of a child’s life that we don’t influence and one of the most important is how they will come to view marriage, sex, and the family.
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What motivates a ninth grade girl to text naked pictures of herself? What drives a fourteen-year-old boy to ask her? Is this merely our cultural standard in the twenty first century, have we come to the point where we just accept it as the new teenage norm, or is there far more to acknowledge when we consider more than half of all children in the U.S. will spend much, if not all, of their childhood in broken homes?
A young boy takes note of the way dad treats his mom, by doing so he will learn how to view the young girls that soon come into his life. And the same boy will look at his mother to establish the benchmark for which girls he will allow in and those he won’t. Likewise, a daughter learns about womanhood and how to relate with men from her mother, while dad is the yardstick she uses to measure every boy who enters her life.
But what of the child who doesn’t see mom and dad together? Without that vital element – namely a married mother and father living together – where do our children learn these crucial life lessons? Youtube? Instagram? Hollywood? It’s a frightening thought. And it’s for this reason, namely the outside influences that fill the vacuum left by a parent’s absence, that I’m more convinced than ever remarriage is not only worthwhile it’s utterly essential if we ever hope to show our children what healthy romantic relationships should look like and counter the negative influences brought on by their own parents’ marital failures.
What message does it send to my eleven-year-old daughter if I bounce from one woman to the next in a string of 6-month liaisons, that men are unreliable, irresponsible, commitment-phobes? That relationships last until the new car smell wears off? And how much different is that for my nine-year-old son? How will he grow to believe anything other than the standard lie that commitment and marriage are pointless endeavors – when I reinforce the message with my commitment-less behavior?
Like every new divorcee I initially swore off marriage. Never again would I be taken behind the woodshed, never again would I bet the farm and lose half. And then, like most reason-minded divorcees, I came to my senses. As a divorced father, getting remarried is vital if I hope to give my children the best chance possible at flourishing in this life; to demonstrate all the goodness and blessing that can come from commitment and marriage; to be an example that challenges what they see around them. But – as divorced parents – if we are unwilling to cast off the shackles of resentment and fear that grew from our failed marriages our children will be sucked up in the vacuum of a culture telling them how unnecessary marriage and commitment really are.
Originally posted on Chopperpapa.com
Photo Credit: Bigstock.com
hey kyle, can you just clarify something for me – so do you believe that children of divorced parents whose parents do not get remarried are somehow damaged or ill-equipped to have a normal relationship in life? it seems like you don’t think there is any where else in the world that a child could learn about relationships from, which is really confusing to me -since most people have, you know, other people in their family who are married or other people who they know who are married who they can learn from. also, i feel like very few people… Read more »
I don’t have children and have never been divorced, so I admit I’m an outsider here. I am married, though, so I’ve seen marriage from the inside out, and I was raised in a fairly conservative Christian home. Getting remarried or not is not really the main issue. Remarrying or staying single is not by itself going to show much to your children. If there’s some lesson your kids will get from your relationship status, it will be the KIND of relationships you have, not whether you’re married or not. Your children will be much better off if you’re a… Read more »
I don’t think marriage means jack if the two parents are not getting along, disrespect eachother and set a bad example for their kids. Much better to be with someone you love an respect and have a good relationship with (contract or not) to set a good example.
I agree with the commentors here. It’s great to aspire to model a beautiful example of anything that you deem important to pass on to your children. It’s not so great to do so for the wrong reasons. You’re essentially teaching them that being married is what’s important. They can learn that even if you aren’t married. It’s called dialogue. Open lines of communication. They make not take it all in at once, but they listen and apply what they agree with. They make deductions and reason with beliefs they don’t agree with. They become individuals whether you’ve modeled a… Read more »
“They make not take it all in at once, but they listen and apply what they agree with. They make deductions and reason with beliefs they don’t agree with. They become individuals whether you’ve modeled a picture perfect life or a dysfunctional unhealthy one.” That isn’t a parenting philosophy that I would subscribe to. If you are a parent, I would encourage you to try that method ….with let’s say honesty. Have a dialogue with your children about the importance of honesty but then let them catch you in a lie and report back on what they comply with? One… Read more »
Kyle writes: That isn’t a parenting philosophy that I would subscribe to. If you are a parent, I would encourage you to try that method ….with let’s say honesty. Have a dialogue with your children about the importance of honesty but then let them catch you in a lie and report back on what they comply with? — OK…let me point out to you that this is what is known as FALSE EQUIVALENCE – not a valid argument at all. I’ll explain why: HONESTY is, unquestionably, a moral virtue, and DISHONEST is unquestionably a moral vice. Any good and responsible… Read more »
Kyle, it seems that you are making a big assumption that marriage is still something that everyone should aspire to, and therefore that any parent who can’t model this for their children is somehow failing at this responsibility. I too went all in with my marriage (which lasted 12 years) and just stood by my parents as they celebrated their 50th anniversary. I have since tried co-habitating with my children, a lovely woman and her kids, which did not work out either sadly, and I’ve come to realize that there is more than 1 path to relationship happiness. Yes, marriage… Read more »
Rich, thanks for the comment. Each of us aspires to find relationship happiness, that may not take the shape of traditional marriage, but what I find most interesting, is that most of us want something that looks very close to marriage, call it ‘marriage lite’, wouldn’t you agree? Wasn’t your attempt to cohabitant with another woman an aspiration to find what marriage inherently provides? I’ve heard every rationale against marriage that can be levied and each argument, made by parents, possess one fatal flaw. For the mom or dad who is adamant against marriage, or even commitment, for themselves –… Read more »
My attempt to cohabit was, in hindsight, an attempt to recreate a marriage and it turned out not to be in the best interests of my kids at all. They are much, much happier being back in a house where it’s just the three of us. They’ve even told me they are happy for me to have another relationship so long as our living arrangements don’t change. In all likelihood a living apart together relationship will be the best thing for both them and me until they are grown. So I would say a committed relationship is worth aspiring to… Read more »
On the one hand, I question whether “most of us” seek to get married. You have made a few assertions, but provided no evidence that shows your opinions to be true. On the other hand, it really doesn’t matter if you found evidence for the above. We live in a society where marriage is romanticized. From a young age, we are bombarded with images or taught by authority figures the importance of marriage. Many people insist on teaching abstinence to teens, despite how deeply ineffective it is, in the hopes they will wait for marriage. When society at large pushes… Read more »
“When you consider the future of your kids, and their relationships, do you want them to find relationship happiness in a string of affairs over their lifetime that virtually always ends in heartache and disappointment or would you hope they could find a partner to whom they could open their hearts, for a lifetime?”
It’s hardly an either/or proposition. And it’s not like heartache and disappointment are reserved for affairs. When I consider my present, and my kids future, I’d never recommend marriage to them.
I do worry about this. My son’s mom took off when she was pregnant and shortly thereafter left me to raise the boy. In the 13 years since my son has never once known me to have a girlfriend. I have never been married. I had to explain to him that his mother and I used to be a couple. I wonder what i am showing him but I know forcing it would only show him something worse.
Sam, no relationship should force its way into marriage simply because. But most divorcees posses bitterness, even contempt, for marriage choosing instead to remain in a commitment ‘lite’ relationship status simply because they don’t want to marry and lose all over again.
Whether we want to admit it or not, our children will get their queues from us on what relationships should look like and if we choose not to engage in a new one, for selfish reasons, then they will take their queues from others.
Kyle writes: Like every new divorcee I initially swore off marriage. Never again would I be taken behind the woodshed, never again would I bet the farm and lose half. And then, like most reason-minded divorcees, I came to my senses. As a divorced father, getting remarried is vital if I hope to give my children the best chance possible at flourishing in this life; to demonstrate all the goodness and blessing that can come from commitment and marriage; to be an example that challenges what they see around them. But – as divorced parents – if we are unwilling… Read more »
Paul, let me guess, you’re red pill guy.
If you imagine for a moment that this issue doesn’t affect mothers to the same degree as it does fathers, you’re kidding yourself and so is anyone else. This is an all-skate issue.
I’m also guessing that you’re not a father, or a father to a daughter. Because if you were I’m willing to bet money that you’d be less concerned about what ‘women empowering’ sites were selling and you’d pay more attention to doing what was necessary to raise your kids.
Kyle writes: Paul, let me guess, you’re red pill guy. — Strike ONE, brother. If you read any of my writing here, you’d know that I talk all the time about how wrong the red pill guys are – how they’re just being reactive to the challenges we’re all facing in late stage capitalist hetero-normative dating and mating. I love women generally – and particularly I love the excellent women with whom I have one form or another of polyamorous relationship. OK, let’s continue… — Kyle writes: If you imagine for a moment that this issue doesn’t affect mothers to… Read more »
1. ” I love women generally – and particularly I love the excellent women with whom I have one form or another of polyamorous relationship.” I find your relativism intriguing. You congratulate yourself at your daughter’s wonderful marriage, in that you were a direct contributor to that choice, and maybe you were, but I must wonder if you openly exhibited your polyamorous relationships directly in front of your daughter and if not why? Did she wake up mornings, come downstairs to find you and several of your excellent women having coffee? Did you model that relationship behavior while she was… Read more »
OK…let’s try one more time. >>> Kyle writes: 1. ” I love women generally – and particularly I love the excellent women with whom I have one form or another of polyamorous relationship.” I find your relativism intriguing. >>> Exactly why would you label my life choices, and my daughters, RELATIVISM? What’s going on inside your own head that would lead you to such judgments? Can you see that the way you look at the world – your particular matrix – doesn’t really serve you very well? Can you see that you are continually jumping to conclusions – and wrong… Read more »
Paul, I agree with you. I applaud Kyle’s desire to be a good example and role model to his children. However, he fails to address several significant issues. In no particular order: 1- What are the _specific_ qualities that a mother and father (married and living together) possess that are essential to raising children? How do mothers and fathers come to possess these qualities? Where is the evidence to support the prior questions? 2- As worded, the article shames same sex parents, single parents and _possibly_ adoptive parents by implying that they lack the undefined qualities from #1 3. The… Read more »
Hi Guys, I’ve been relatively quiet on this topic. Not out of interest but because both bring up good points. And I’ve been conflicted about which one I feel more persuaded by. Honestly, both have good points. and I feel both are valid in their own context. For me, the reason I chose to publish this was because it brings up a point of view not often seen when considering remarriage: i.e. the point of the child. Too often, children are innocent victims of divorce. They have no say in it and their life will be forever altered as a… Read more »
Paul, I happen to agree with many of your arguments for many of the same reasons. I also happen to think that the most important thing for kids is having a loving, stable, honest, encouraging + challenging parent. If that parent is in a great relationship, that’s awesome. If s/he is married + they also provide lots of love, stability, support, honesty + encouragement, great. There doesn’t have to be anything specific to marriage that a kid needs that couldn’t also be available in a great relationship, or even a dedicated single parent. It’s probably easier with two partners, but… Read more »
Jackson – I happen to believe that a lot of what’s been thrown at men is absolutely toxic. It’s bad enough reading it on feminist sites and MRA sites, where I don’t bother deconstructing the toxicity. But when I see it happening here, yeah I think it’s worth radically deconstructing. THAT – in my view – is the conversation no one is having. Case in point: Tom Matlack, the founder, actually had to leave GMP…and why? Because some contingent of feminists, led by Roseanne Barr, and others, were howling for his head after he wrote something in an op-ed in… Read more »