Tinder is a field full of bombs: finding a great match is like fighting a war. The field is full of dull, arrogant, and weird people. The people who look interesting turn out to be creepier than Frankenstein when you text them. To find a person you’d like to meet is like finding water in the desert.
Still, against all odds, once in a while, you’ll find someone who is perfect: good pictures, exciting conversation, and proactive. He treats you well, invites you to go on a date, and picks a nice place—a perfect gentleman.
Except, when you meet him, he’s the opposite: poorly dressed, rude, and can barely keep up a conversation.
Bad dates are the normal routine on Tinder. When I was single, I had my fair share of bad dates: guys who don’t show up, look different from their profile and have tedious conversations. Overall, those guys act like they don’t care about the date, and I always get home feeling like Ugly Betty.
And I’m not alone. My best friend, Linda, is single, and she struggles to meet decent people on Tinder. Every week she comes up with a different date story, one more bizarre than the other — and every week, she gets more disappointed.
Why are Tinder dates so disappointing?
Linda and I opened a bottle of wine and created our theories. After a few glasses, we found an answer:
Most people aren’t invested in dating.
The reason why Tinder dates fail is that people don’t care.
Think of how many people you can meet on Tinder. Nothing stops you from swiping left or right all day — you’ll find an endless supply. You never have to spend a Saturday night alone because it was never so easy to find a date.
Tinder makes you believe that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. The result? We tend don’t appreciate what we have.
When you have an abundance of dates, they’re easy to replace. It’s as simple as that. If your date doesn’t work, you move on to the next one. This way, you never get attached and you don’t put much effort into the date.
It’s easy to find a date. It’s hard to find a real partner and create a healthy relationship. It sounds terrible, I know. But you can stop this situation.
Don’t take it personally.
The truth is, it’s not about you. When people aren’t invested in dating, there’s nothing you can do. Even if you were as gorgeous as Gisele Bündchen or as funny as Jennifer Lawrence, your date will still not call you the next day.
People want what they want. If you want different things, nothing will change that.
The only thing you can do is embrace it. You’ll have bad dates on Tinder, and that’s okay. Bad dates are part of the game: if you meet many people, it’s impossible to connect with everyone. Don’t overthink the details of the date, and don’t spend energy to find out what went wrong.
Take yourself out of the equation.
If your date is not on the same vibe as you, there’s nothing you can do — which leads me to the next point.
Find someone who matches your vibe.
I’d love to say you can change people. It’s a great fantasy to hope that someone will fall in love with you, and the power of love can change them. But that’s all it is: a fantasy.
You can’t change people. If he’s not invested in dating, he’ll stick to his mindset.
If you want to have a successful Tinder date, find someone who matches your expectations. Here’s how you can improve your chances of having a successful date:
Talk a lot before meeting in person.
The best way to know the other person’s intentions is by texting. The more you text, the more you know each other. This way, you build intimacy before you meet in person, and it makes you feel safer.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they text. A guy who barely replies to your texts won’t treat you like a princess in person. The texts show his level of interest.
So don’t rush the date and take your time to text.
Watch how he plans the date.
The best way to know if your partner is invested on the date is to watch his actions. Watch these behaviors: taking the initiative, suggesting a nice place, and his flexibility to go out when it’s best for you.
“Actions speak louder than words.” Yes, it’s a cliché — but it became a cliché for a reason.
Voice your expectations.
Now, don’t go out screaming, “I want a serious relationship” on Tinder. But, if you plan to meet a guy in person, you have space to say what you expect from the date. You can’t expect people to know what you want, and communication is always the best way to avoid disappointments.
It doesn’t mean you’re looking for a serious relationship. But maybe you want to have a nice date, go to a fancy restaurant, have an honest conversation, and connect with your date.
Linda and I had a great time remembering our bizarre Tinder dates. We found that most dates on Tinder don’t have happy endings — for multiple reasons. Still, I’m a romantic and I like to believe people can find love on Tinder. While there are some crazy Tinder stories, you’ll also find people who met their soulmates on Tinder.
Tinder is just an app. It’s not good, not bad — it’s a tool, and you have to learn how to use it to your interests. Yes, most people on Tinder are not invested in dating. But if you find someone who has the same expectations as you, you can still find your happy ending.
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Previously Published on medium
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