The One ‘Element’ You’re Missing in Your Dating Life — and It’s Not Skill

“They obviously weren’t interested.” “You should have tried harder.”

With a lot of dating advice, the claim is “if you just get good you will be able to attract anyone.” Which is true to some degree.

It’s like everything boils down to a matter of skill. But some people aren’t at a spot in life where they’re ready to date.

I recently explored this idea of rejection as a “skill issue.” Much of rejection can come from not “doing” or “saying” the right things, but you’re missing the nuance if you think this way. I’m still figuring all this out as I go along too. I don’t have all the answers, and neither am I a highly successful dating coach/guru.

But I still have some experience on this topic.

No amount of charm or charisma, flirtatious texting, or “perfect” approaches can mitigate the fact that some people aren’t capable or even the right fit for you.

Try to play a card game or chess with someone who doesn’t want to play at all. They might be your best friend but if they’re not interested it doesn’t matter what you say or do. They won’t play.

And if they won’t play, it makes it nearly impossible to find out what you need to “work on.” Right? Rejection is still rejection regardless of the circumstances.

But it’s still an opportunity to not take things personally. Someone who’s not ready or unavailable won’t give you a chance no matter what you do.

So, before you get caught up in investing too quickly, be careful of potential warning signs.

Typical phrases you’ll hear from unavailable people

“I just want to see where things go.” (I’m not going to put in effort into this relationship.)
“I want to be in the driver’s seat.” (Don’t expect me to actually take the lead or know where we’re headed.)
“I’m looking for my ‘best friend.’” (Only if we vibe perfectly and we can keep things casual.)
“My friend convinced me to download these apps. I’m not really sure what I want.” (Expect wishy-washy behavior and a non-committal attitude.)

Flakiness, minimal initiative, or tardiness:

Canceling a date once in a while isn’t a cause for concern, but it can be more alarming if it’s very early on. Like the first few dates. One time this girl canceled last minute (on a Friday evening) saying she had something that she had to for “college.”

It was frickin’ bizarre and it did not feel right.

Or… another time my last “girlfriend” canceled the date hours after we agreed, citing she was sick. Yet, she had to drive out of state the next day. I felt like something was off about that but I ignored the signs.

Neither one tried to reschedule. If they don’t make an effort to do so, that’s all the information you need.

Trauma dumping:

I once figured it was normal or common to bring up one’s past on a date, but there’s a fine line between vulnerability and unloading your baggage on someone.

And it is a covert red flag.

From what I’ve seen, those who are ill-equipped to handle intimacy use trauma dumping as a means to “bridge the gap” between them and you without being too real or vulnerable.

Avoidance of physical or emotional intimacy

Aloof and disengaged behavior can show up in various ways. It’s not always black and white, but I have noticed a few signs:

Communication lacks “warmth” or depth. And if you’re astute, you can notice it during texting as well. And look to see how engaged they are on dates or when you’re together. Are they more preoccupied with their phone or with you?

And of course, the obvious things previously mentioned… Vague, wishy-washy phrases like “I just want to go with the flow” or “I’m just trying to see what’s ‘out there’.”

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You can do everything “by the book” and still fail.

No amount of skill will change the mind of someone who is not open to dating. Some people are just not the “right match” for each other.

And that is perfectly fine. Just focus on the “right” people — which does take skill to discern, but when you get enough experience, you can easily spot who is and who is not genuine.

Because it’s entirely possible to get into relationships with insincere individuals. The negative aspect of this is that they might focus on the small things.

Whatever it might be. Any flaws, mistakes, or imperfections of yours — I’ve seen them use that as a reason to leave.

There’s nothing worse than to play the guessing game as to what to fix. But when you reframe your mindset to an understanding that it’s more about them and less about you, you can learn to let go.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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