Yours was a delicate whisper. A breath so subtle, I did not hear it the first time. Gentle.
Unassuming. Unexpected. Wrapped up in the whirlwind of change, I saw nothing else. In the midst of chaos, you were easy to overlook.
I would have missed you.
My life changed in the flicker of a moment. The days went from ordinary, mundane and lacklustre. I didn’t know what I lacked until you came along. I had missed out on living.
The bar had been set low
But I walked away.
Because I am freed but I am not free. I brought an oppressed construct to your freedom narrative.
I started to nitpick your behaviours to make you out as the bad guy. I searched for the wrong to justify why I needed to leave.
Because to accept that you could love me, for me, was an idea I could not fathom. How could you love me at a time like this? When I carried a load I did not know how to set down. When reality had become mired in deceit; twisted to favour a few.
It was a conversation I could not hold.
Past hurt has drained my well
The ground I stood on was shaky. Too weak to hold the foundation of a new life with you.
I feared investing my energy and time in you. To give me to you with no guarantee. I dreaded the idea of loss. The thought of losing my time, energy and effort to the unknown.
To have to start over with someone else when ours ended.
I could not pour from an empty cup.
I have come this far alone
You filled the void I carried, too fast, too soon. You were a firehose. I needed a cup of water. I gulped you in by the mouthfuls. I choked on the attention.
But my self-preservation instincts kicked in. The alarm bells started to go off.
I have run this marathon without a pacesetter by my side, stopping to hydrate and fuel as I went along.
When you showed up, ready to run beside me, I shuddered. I feared that you were passing through, that you wouldn’t see me to the finish line. I dreaded that I would lack the final kick I needed to get to the other side when you left.
There was no room for you
I will go back to what I know. To lean on the shoulders of the familiar, no matter how many times they let me down.
I will let you go. I will let go of the fantasy of what could have been. I will let go of what you wanted me to be.
I will face the reality of what is. I will take the time to build myself up again. I will hold on to the good we found.
You showed me what exists on the other side of this. You lightened the burden. You were the right person at the wrong time.
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This article is part of the March writing challenge by Jessica Lynn
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https://medium.com/the-write-path/come-write-with-me-in-march-5bfe784ff914
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As always thanks for reading. Keep the comments and corrections coming.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
