The Real Reasons I Was Attracted to My Husband

Online dating is a must for some people, such as myself, 10 years ago. A single parent, with no family nearby and not many friends.

It took me a while to see through the online dating profiles and look past the physical appearances. And it took a few problem dates and short-term relationship disappointments for me to realise that my checklist wasn’t working for me.

I was on the verge of giving up again when I got a message from someone I had spoken to on and off, but with no real intention. We messaged each other every few days which didn’t allow for much rapport-building.

He suggested we meet up. I agreed and then tried to cancel as I couldn’t be bothered with another disappointment. He persuaded me to meet him, by making me feel sorry for him. “That’s a shame, I’ve bought a new shirt, especially for this evening”. I couldn’t let that new shirt go to waste.

I changed my narrative. “Who knows, maybe this could be the one”. It certainly felt different. I wasn’t that hopeful. I just saw it as meeting up with another person and having a glass of wine and a chat.

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This was going to be my last “date” before I gave up on my quest to find someone who would treat me right, love me and want to spend the rest of his life with me and mine.

The first date went ok. And from that moment onwards he never gave me any reason to doubt him, or our growing relationship. We have been married for 7 years and our marriage is my biggest, rag to riches, success story.

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Looking back, the real reasons I was attracted to him were subtle little things that had nothing to do with any lustful thoughts. Things that could not have been explained in his online dating, profile blurb.

The way he said “water”

I’m from London. When I moved to Hampshire with my 7-year-old son, he was put into speech therapy because of his dialect. We drop our t’s and h’s most of the time and our th’s are pronounced as f.

People from where I live now don’t speak like that. This may seem like a minor thing, but it made me feel like I didn’t belong. I felt ashamed of my common accent.

So, when he first spoke, and I realised he had the same accent as me I immediately felt much more comfortable and free to be myself.

A notch up on the level of attraction I felt for him.

The tortoise always wins the race

He took it slowly. There was no sense of urgency and this laid-back manner helped curb my tendency to be impatient and rush things without taking time to consider how I truly felt.

We would meet up; have a great time and he would leave without making plans to meet again. It was easy-going, with no expectations. It wasn’t a game, just two people asking nothing of each other and seeing where it led.

He made me feel secure whilst maintaining a sense of anticipation, this kept me interested.

Silence speaks a thousand words

He had a quiet confidence about him, which was a million miles away from the arrogance I would normally find attractive.

He was calm, didn’t chatter needlessly, and would be open about his feelings.

He was happy spending time on his own and it was clear he didn’t need anyone. He was spending time with me because he wanted me, he didn’t need me. This boosted my confidence in the relationship.

There were no insincere words, grand gestures, or showmanship. He knew who he was, and he knew that was enough for the right person.

This made him instantly more attractive.

You can always trust the judgment of kids and animals

The way his dog looked at him (with complete devotion) made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

The relationship they had was enough to confirm that this was a decent guy. They were best friends.

Trust, affection, care, and attention. The way he was with his dog proved that he was capable of all these things that are crucial in a healthy relationship.

My hope of a happy ending increased tenfold after meeting his dog for the first time.

Those perfect flaws and imperfections

His crooked smile on his default miserable face still makes my stomach flip.

To explain this default miserable look; after he met my sons’ dad for the first time, I got a text from my ex, “If your boyfriend looks at me like that again I will punch him”. (You can see why he’s my ex). I replied explaining that’s the way he always looks, he’s just got a resting miserable face. It’s an old joke now.

But when that frown cracks and he smiles at me, it makes me feel special.

When we first met, this made my heart melt.

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Whilst this article has been full of me gushing about my husband (I hope he reads it!), the purpose of this story is to encourage you online daters to give up being anything other than yourself.

Of course, we all need to display good manners and maintain certain boundaries when we are getting to know someone but don’t hide your personality.

You want someone who wants you for all the right reasons, not the superficial ones. And on the flip side, those superficial things on your checklist should be given the heave-ho.

Who knows what packaging your “one” is going to come wrapped in? Whilst it should be pleasing to your eye, it’s not the wrapping that makes you fall in love (past the first bonk or two), it’s what is inside that contains the real treasures.

The most attractive version of you is the real you.

So be yourself and let those you meet feel comfortable enough to be themselves. If you don’t click, don’t twist yourself into something that might work, and don’t try to look past niggles that make you feel uncomfortable. Brush yourself off and move on.

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Remember looking for someone to treat you right, love and care for you, doesn’t only involve scrolling through photos, swiping left and right. The best way you can increase the chances of you finding that person is by loving yourself the way you want someone else to. Sounds cliched and corny but it is 100% true.

Throw away your checklist, don’t compromise on your values and morals, be yourself, and open yourself up to being loved the way you deserve.

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If you would like a weekly dose of inspiration and motivation to look after yourself better and prioritise yourself more, please sign up for my newsletter: Rediscover You | Lisa Johnson | Substack

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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