A few days after we’ve started chatting, he suggests a phone call instead. It’s new year’s eve. I discover his voice and his accent and how effortless it is to talk to him. We’re on the phone for more than an hour, and I’m possibly smiling most of the time.
He’s so flirty and funny; it reminds me how much fun this game can be.
This charming man continues to chase me for a few weeks. With clever lines, alluring flattery, and a couple more calls later, we find a day and time that works for both of us. It’s date-time. I’m excited, I haven’t been to a bar, or on a date in a while.
And here I am about to meet this funny, charming, sexy man who seems to be so into me. He arrives, kisses me gently on each cheek and I find myself feeling comfortable and safe. Nothing like my usual anxious uncomfortable self.
On our first date, he shows up wearing an aviator jacket, black jeans, and a crisp white shirt, top button unbuttoned purposefully revealing. He makes sure to brush my hands against his a few times and to maintain eye contact. I feel his eyes on me and I can’t help but warm up to his charm rather naturally.
He’s an adept listener and talking to him feels easy. I find myself sharing a tiny bit too much for a first date. Again not like my usual guarded self. We laugh a lot, order another glass.
He insists on taking care of the bill. When I counteroffer, he says ‘you’ll get it next time’ and jokes about making sure we drink more when I pay.
Spoiler alert. There will never be a next time.
Initially, they may want to please you to win you over, but once they’ve made their “catch,” they want to please themselves. It’s the chase, not the catch that motivates them. Once they’re victorious, they can lose interest, and move on to the next conquest before it gets too emotionally intimate.
Once out of the bar, he puts his arms around me and takes my hand into his. He’s broken down my China walls so expertly hours earlier and there’s not an inch of me resisting him now.
Only for a second, I step outside watching the scene. How legit is this man? This is too perfect, movie-perfect to be true.
Back in the scene, it’s decision time. Say goodnight or take him home with me. We head to the bus stop and he takes my arm and gently places me on his lap. Stunned and excited in equal measure by all this affection and touching I’m too weak to call it a night. I call us an Uber.
We’re sat at the back of the car, exchanging glances; my hand inside his during the 10-minute ride to my place.
Hello, another narcissist I didn’t need in my life.
The perfect evening. A fun date, a blend of romance and sexy vibes, climaxing to a hot and sensual moment later at my place. The next day, I woke up wondering if I had dreamt the whole thing. There was something too good to be true about the entire event.
Listen to what they say to allure you.
Early in our chatting days, when I took the plunge to flatter him, say something nice about him, he’d laugh and say ‘You’re bullshitting me.’ He’d said it a few times before I noticed it. Guess who was bullshitting who; who was mirroring.
What he was really saying was, I’ve seen your insecurities. I know how to say all the right things to make you feel safe and let go with me. I’m the king of bullshitting.
It is so much fun to be swept up in a whirlwind romance. Mr. Romantic was courteous, knew the right thing to say, and demonstrated such great manners that I wanted to meet his parents and congratulate them.
In fact, he did joke about introducing me to his folks, and I wish I could tell you that it creeped me out. Hearing something as absurd as this early on, but all it did was made me laugh.
Listen to what they say about themselves and past relationships.
While I was paying attention to how he made me feel in the moment, how much attention he paid when I spoke I let crucial information pass by. I could recount the story of our first — and only — date quite differently.
I could tell you that when I asked him why he broke up with his ex he said because she became too clingy and dependent on him. If blaming other people instead of taking responsibility sounds like a narcissist trait to you, it’s because it is.
Listen to what they say to put distance between you.
Soon after that night, the tone changed. ‘Hello gorgeous’ got toned down to ‘hi Mariza’ and my phone blinked less and less often with his texts. Chatty and funny vocal messages were replaced by short texts and he didn’t call anymore, while I felt increasingly uncomfortable to suggest or initiate any contact.
A few weeks into our date, he was breadcrumbing me spaced out texts, bits, and pieces of information aiming at keeping me at bay. All the while firmly communicating his unavailability. ‘February will be busy for me’.
Goodbye, another narcissist I have no use for in my life.
Thank you for the perfect evening. It was a fun date, this blend of romance and sexy vibes. I’m all woken up now from this dream.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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