My mother taught me that change can only be brought about by consequences. This is a story of my actions and the dire consequences I faced.
In my early 30’s or late 20’s (I’m currently 42) I systematically reduced a woman I dated for a year and a half to the lowest version of herself. Without her input, I then concluded that we were incompatible and I needed someone who made me feel loved and desired. I acted as if the time we spent together and her repeated attempts to repair our relationship were inconsequential. With unmitigated gall, I treated my decision to leave the relationship as an exhaustive measure that was inevitable and unavoidable. I acted as if I was taking the high road.
I remember the look of confusion and utter disbelief on her face when I walked away.
I justified leaving by making her solely culpable for our inability to fix our broken relationship. I blamed her for my indiscretions and my constant vacillation between leaving and staying. I pulled away and held her accountable for the distance between us. I accused her failing to try to understand me, even though I was cryptic with my words and inconsistent with my actions. I ceased all efforts to facilitate romance, then held her responsible for our lack of intimacy.
I picked her apart, never once taking responsibility for my actions. I exploited her vulnerabilities and attacked her insecurities. I manipulated her with guilt and assaulted her with her past. I ignited the flames of her fury and displayed indignance as I watched our relationship burn. All the while, I acted as if I was above reproach because my crimes against the relationship were never overt or malicious. I minimized the severity of my actions by comparing them to extreme and over-the-top examples of other men’s disrespect, infidelity, and abuse. I acted as if pain didn’t have a threshold.
My worst crime is that I coerced her into doubting herself. I challenged her self-image and forced her to question her self-worth. I twisted and distorted her beliefs about herself and force-fed her my fabricated perceptions. I methodically broke her down and then self-righteously walked away falsely claiming I needed to protect myself from her brokenness.
I moved on. I met new women. The problems I walked away from appeared in every subsequent relationship. I never considered my contribution and I chose to ignore the glaring common denominator – me. Instead, I made generalizations about all women and concluded that my only crime was that I unknowingly and unintentionally attracted unsuitable partners. I was still playing the victim.
I grew increasingly frustrated with my inability to find love. I started to believe that I was cursed and that I’d be alone forever. With each breakup, bitterness and disappointment started to engulf me and choke the life out of me. Then, she arrived.
I met a woman that I poured my heart and soul into. I was excited about her! I fell head over heels for her and gave her immediate and full access to the inner sanctum of my heart. I was all in without fear or hesitation. I had no walls and no protection. I immediately displayed a level of vulnerability that was solicited and certainly not earned.
I made her the center of my universe and without an ounce of mercy or compassion, she annihilated me. This woman maliciously ripped my heart out of my chest and hurt me in every way possible.
She didn’t just cheat on me, she made no attempt to shield me from her disloyalty and unfaithfulness. With cruel malevolence, she would openly flirt in front of me and accused me of being paranoid and insecure when I confronted her about her disrespect.
She didn’t just lie to me, she fabricated ridiculously implausible stories and attacked me when I questioned the glaring irregularities. She stole from me and challenged the validity of my feelings if I didn’t shower her with expensive gifts. Her affection was given in quantities that matched the amount of money I provided her. She used guilt to separate me from my family and friends and manufactured conflict that bred distrust. Eventually, she crafted and designed a concept that I accepted: she was the only person I could trust and the only person that truly loved me.
This woman didn’t just use my playbook, she refined and perfected my mind games and executed them with masterful precision. With incredible patience and meticulous attention to detail, she eroded my ego and destroyed every positive thought, belief, or feeling I had of myself. When it was finally over and she finally exited my life, she walked out without an explanation or even a goodbye.
Even now, years later I question how I could have been so blind and stupid. How does the manipulator get manipulated? It’s simple, I never saw myself as an emotional con-man. I didn’t recognize her hustle because I had convinced myself that there was no hustle. That’s what made me so damn effective. I insisted that I was different. In the end, my fallacious sense of virtue made me a prime target for the game I denied existed but played often.
After months of wallowing in pain and indulging in self-pity, I had an epiphany. I accepted a life-changing paradigm shift. I accepted full responsibility for the heartbreak, disappointment, and hurt I felt and caused. I searched my past to find the source of my unscrupulous behavior. I pinpointed the moment that I made the transition from prey to the predator, victim to the assailant, provoked to the provoker. I then made a conscious decision to take inventory of every word and action that contributed to my inability to sustain a healthy, loving relationship.
I identified traits and characteristics about myself that were less than desirable, then with the help of a therapist, I created and executed a plan to change. I sought forgiveness for my actions but never demanded that I be forgiven. I forgave those who had hurt me and reclaimed the power I had voluntarily surrendered to them.
I am not boasting of my revelation or the actions that I took following it. I am not seeking sympathy for the well-deserved retribution I’ve endured. For anyone who has been the victim of manipulation, I want you to know that you are not crazy, and you are not to blame. However, you should accept responsibility for wasting precious time trying to solve a problem that you didn’t create.
If reading my past deeds sounds like your modus operandi, I implore you to find the source of your pain. Hurt people do hurt people, but they don’t have to. Your pain is incredibly powerful and it can fundamentally change who you are without warning. One day, you wake up and realize that you have become extremely proficient in the art of destruction and deception.
I was blessed to receive a spoonful of my own medicine. You may not be. You may continue to move about without any awareness that the repugnant odor of anguish and heartbreak filling your nostrils is emanating from your past. You owe it to yourself to critically evaluate past relationships to identify the role you played in the breakup. If you find it extremely difficult to accept any measure of responsibility, I humbly submit that you are the cause of your unhappiness and you always will be until you accept that possibility.
If you decide to ignore your pain, you are not dating new potential partners, you are identifying new potential victims.
I’ve changed. I don’t feel a need to prove that I’ve changed. I am open about my past and transparent about my previous behavior because I am not ashamed. I am not that guy anymore, however, I try to never embrace the notion that I’ve ascended beyond the ability to revert to my former self. I have voluntarily implemented self-imposed rules, barriers, and limitations that keep me honest and remove the perception of impropriety. I think the greatest lesson I learned is threefold: I am responsible for what I say and do, how I speak and act, and how my words and actions are received and perceived.
I believe without question that I will one day be blessed with immeasurable and unimaginable love. I will love her, and she will love me. Together, we will tenaciously work to create an environment that allows us to continue to love ourselves.
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ID: 637394938
