It’s time we scrapped the old manliness playbook. You know, the one that talks about the “alpha” male getting all the money and sex. Yeah, it has worked for you alphas for decades, I get it. But the changing world means the definition of being a worthy man needs to change with it.
Women (well, maybe except for this one) have made it pretty clear that most men aren’t cutting it anymore when it comes to coupling up. While historically a dominant man meant protection, and probably more money, the tables are turning. Many women would probably rather be single than be emotionally or physically abused by an ego-driven meathead. (Also, women can make their own living.)
Let’s take a closer look at what the ideal male model now looks like according to the New Manliness Manual, due in stores any year now:
Strength
Yes, it’s nice to be physically fit. It makes grocery shopping easier, that’s for sure. All that aisle-walking and lifting bags into the house is not suitable for a beta male. (Trust me.)
It’s of course also good to stay in shape to increase your life expectancy. If you’re into sports, regular exercise including aerobics (not just weight training) can definitely give you an edge.
But really, is being physically strong that big of an advantage in day-to-day life? Like, are you fighting off sabre-tooth tigers? Besides, most dudes in the U.S. just carry around guns anyway, so how is going to the gym six times a week going to help protect anyone from that?
Besides, being a thinner male does not mean being a weakling pushover, like the Charles Atlas comics of the 1970’s would have us believe. I’m good-natured, but if people get in my face, I can bark as loud as any other dude. I can also open pretty any jar my partner throws at me.
Appearance
Okay yeah, alpha males can of course be visually appealing. They are the muscled stars of action films, after all.
But the science actually says that women do not prefer guys who look like they were built in a tank factory. They want a fit guy, sure, but you don’t have to look like you bench pressed weights for 10 years without taking a break.
In fact, according to this piece from another Medium writer, women aren’t seeking out tough-guy bodybuilders. They apparently want “an athletic, fairly lean body with some, but not too much muscle mass” on their man.
Apparently, having a 1.6x shoulder-to-waist ratio is most appealing on dudes (at least to women.) I’d wager my own ratio is close to this, although in alpha circles I’m considered skinny. But I keep myself in shape through walking, riding a bike, and even doing Pilates classes — and I’m probably stronger than I look for it.
Sexual prowess
Sure, it’s probably fun if you can lift your partner upside down in the bedroom, among other feats of physical prowess.
But while you might assume bulked-up alpha males have unlocked the secret to female pleasure, think again. You might be good for a couple of rounds, but the women soon figure out you don’t give a shit whether they get off.
It’s actually the beta males who are more in tune with a woman’s needs. At some point, learning where you partner’s clitoris is and spending time on it will outshine your beautiful biceps.
If that’s too much of a leap for you, then you can simply start by asking your girlfriend how her day went.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of sex — men, you can still watch porn, that up to 90% of dudes already do (I can hear your collective relief.) But you should switch to ethical porn that doesn’t involve women being abused, and pays the performers properly.
Also known as “feminist” porn, it depicts people outside of traditional beauty standards (that is, people you would more likely have sex with in real life, not just enhanced models built to pleasure men at all times.)
You may have to pay a little to access a higher standard of porn, but it’s probably not as expensive as your muscle-boosting creatine powder. And who knows? You might even learn something about how to pleasure your partner, if that matters to you.
Wealth potential
I wouldn’t say many of the existing billionaires fit the traditional “alpha” mold. Many of them look like they’d be the first person to run away from danger.
The truth is, while being an angry and obnoxious man can earn you a lot of money, it’s the smart and adaptive men that are now winning in today’s society.
Sure, you might make millions off a bro podcast. But I’d wager that many high-paid professionals didn’t get to where they are by ripping off their shirt and flexing. They keep learning, and identify opportunities.
Non-alphas sometimes move up the corporate ladder more quietly than their alpha counterparts. But they definitely move up, and can become solid leaders — without stepping on as many heads to get there.
Parenting roles
Sorry alphas, but the new definition of a tough guy is a dude who can nurture his children. One who spends quality time with them, puts in the work, and makes sacrifices for their child’s benefit.
A real man in the 21st century does not spank or belittle their kids. They lead by example, and demonstrate discipline without the fear tactics. My partner and I rarely scold our son, but he has somehow still turned out to be a wonderful human who recognizes right from wrong.
We know your father and grandfather probably took a more authoritative approach to parenting. Let me ask you: how’s that working out for your mental health in adulthood?
P.S. Simply throwing money at your kid is not parenting.
Household responsibilities
The new worthy male can cook (microwave dinners don’t count), as well as find specific items while grocery shopping. He knows how to use a washing machine and a dryer, and also knows his way around a dishwasher.
While vacuuming sucks (pun), it is part of the skill set for the modern man. If you think I’m being too feminist with this approach, then consider this: your girlfriend won’t be as sexually attracted to you if you don’t do your share of housework. Isn’t that reason enough to get the duster out?
The new definition of a strong man goes beyond physical
Listen, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a man who works out, drives a truck, and spends his day doing construction. The modern tough guy can be all of these things that are considered masculine (like being jacked, being handy with power tools, and sporting a lumberjack beard) — but also bring more to the table.
The traits of the new manly man also include:
• Being thoughtful and respectful towards others
• Sharing household/parenting duties
• Showing sensitivity and vulnerability
• Being a reliable and dependable partner and/or dad
• Being assertive, but not aggressive
• Lending a hand to those who need it
• Being grateful instead of being a whiner
• Demonstrating honesty and trustworthiness
The typical bro may think these are the signs of a weak man who gives in to feminism. But I’d argue that these characteristics add to a man’s appeal, and make him stronger overall. I’m guessing many women (and men) will agree with me.
We men (especially from older generations) been told that being physically strong and generally acting like an entitled asshole is the best approach to winning. But while the “bad boys” will probably always appeal to some women, it’s the versatile men that they’ll keep around.
It’s not just about getting laid. Honing these updated traits will help men learn more about themselves, untangle their trauma, and improve their careers and relationships.
Gentlemen — looking inwards to see ways one can improve is not easy, but it’s a worthy endeavour at any age. It’s never too late for anyone to become a better version of themselves — which will lead to a more fulfilling life for you, and those around you.
What do you think? Am I being a simp? Or is this the way for men to be?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Christian buehner on Unsplash
