The Root of All Human Suffering Is Attachment to Unrealistic Expectations

Attachment is a prime source of all human suffering. Life is without disappointments. It’s natural. But when you consistently attach strong emotions to an outcome outside your control, you are setting yourself up for stress and burnout.

The word “attachment” can be applied to many human experiences, from romantic relationships to strong emotional bonds to family ties.

It is important to understand that attachment does not necessarily mean having an emotional bond with another person. It also does not mean being dependent on someone else for survival or well-being.

Instead, it means having a strong emotional connection with something — like a person, place, or thing — that you believe will bring you fulfilment, meaning and happiness. Don’t give anyone or anything that much power over your happiness.

“Expectations” is a broad term that refers to anything or anyone we hold onto to make ourselves feel better or secure. If you believe that other people owe you something, you will be disappointed when they don’t deliver.

If you expect things to be done a certain way, you will be upset if they are done differently. If you expect people to be perfect, you will feel hurt and rejected when they aren’t. When we attach to unrealistic expectations of others, we create unnecessary suffering for ourselves. The more attached we are, the greater our suffering will be.

We become angry when other people do not fulfil our expectations; we become frustrated when other people do not meet our needs; we become depressed when other people do not treat us with kindness and respect; and we become anxious when other people fail to live up to our standards.

As attachment grows stronger and stronger, it can consume us completely until there is nothing left of ourselves; even our sense of self begins to disintegrate. Unrealistic expectations lead to anxiety, disappointment, stress and even depression if left unchecked.

Too many people look to others for validation, approval and good change. It’s a form of suffering we bring on ourselves. Our response to the many setbacks and human experiences determines our emotional and mental state.

Unrealistic expectations undermine happiness

“The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. You are arranging what is in fortune’s control and abandoning what lies in yours.”― Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

Unrealistic expectations range from high hopes and expectations for perfection to fear of failure and doubts about one’s abilities.

When we attach to unrealistic expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment and frustration. We can attach to any or all of these reasons:

When we attach to unrealistic expectations, our minds constantly look up to others for a perfect ending or find reasons why we’re going wrong, when in reality, there is no way to know what will happen next.

This stress and anxiety weigh us down, making it harder to deal with whatever is happening right now. When we attach to unrealistic expectations, we are afraid that things will go wrong, but more often than not, they go wrong because we give up control.

We may also have unrealistic fears about being rejected, not succeeding, or not being good enough. When this happens, it can cause a lot of unnecessary worry, stress and anxiety in our lives.

Unrealistic expectations can ruin your life

“Your expectations, more than anything else in life, determine your reality,” says Travis Bradberry. Expectations like someone I love will make me happy; when I change him/her, I will be happy; when I buy a house, my life will be meaningful; and I will be happy when I get a promotion can put unnecessary stress on your emotions. Don’t ignore the mental health effect of unrealistic expectations.

We will all face moments when we feel like our path in life could be better or overwhelmed by human suffering. The key to a happy and meaningful life is not avoiding failure but developing the ability to cope with obstacles.

In life, there are many things we dread. These fears stem from a deep-rooted fear of rejection and inadequacy. This fear leads us to set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others.

One way to do that is by creating realistic expectations about yourself, others and the world around you. “If you align expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed,” says Terrell Owens.

Learn to accept life’s many challenges, take a step back from your ambitious goals and exceptions and look at the realistic big picture. When you do this, we can see what needs to be done to get where we want to go.

Attachment is not necessarily wrong unless it becomes an obsession and takes over your life. Unhappiness is the difference between what you can practically do to change your circumstances and your expectations of yourself.

Happiness is a process, not an outcome. We set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect too much from ourselves and others.

By all means, aim for a better version of yourself, but setting unrealistically high expectations of yourself will cause more emotional harm than good. Life does not always go as planned — be realistic about what you can expect.

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This post was previously published on Thomas Oppong’s blog.

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