The Silent Burden: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief

You’ll often have heard it being said that there are two certainties in life: death and taxes.

Yet, there’s another unspoken truth that deserves recognition: grief. It’s just an inevitable and unavoidable part of being human, but in our society’s collective avoidance of death, grief has become something often experienced in isolation.

We have somehow collectively forgotten how to face grief, and many people now who experience loss have to do so without the support and acknowledgment it deserves.

Over the past century in particular, thanks to the unstoppable machine of materialism and individualism, we’ve strayed far from the rituals and traditions that once helped us come to terms with our losses, and thanks to that, we’ve lost our way in understanding how to process grief properly.

What is disenfranchised grief?

Dr. Kenneth J. Doka introduced the concept of “disenfranchised grief” in 1989. This type of grief isn’t openly acknowledged, supported, or validated by society.

This form of grief is often ignored, even dismissed, leaving those experiencing it feeling isolated and unsupported in their mourning.

Take, for example, a recent client of mine who lost his girlfriend in a tragic car accident. Their relationship began at work, and it was still new, only a few weeks old, and they hadn’t shared it with their colleagues at work. When she passed away, he was given a measly half-day off work to attend her funeral.

His colleagues quickly moved on as if nothing had happened, he was left to drown in his sorrow.

He struggled to eat, sleep, and find peace of mind. He told me that some of his colleagues noticed what he was going through, but they didn’t seem to understand or offer much empathy.

To them, it was as though an acquaintance had left, not as though a life had been lost. Despite having some friends who offered support, others were distant, unsure of how to be present for a grieving friend whose relationship ended before it had even had a chance to blossom.

Society’s expectations of grief

Society seems to have rigid, almost mechanical expectations about how grief should be experienced and expressed.

Much of the blame for this I’d have to lay at the door or capitalism and consumerism.

Because of our work responsibilities, you’re allowed a brief mourning period, to take some time off to attend the funeral, and then it’s back to business as usual, as quickly as possible. These pies won’t sell themselves.

The truth is much more intricate. Do you think that grief follows a schedule?

People are expected grieve in a certain way, show certain emotions, and only for a certain period of time.

It’s ridiculous.

When someone’s grief doesn’t align with these societal expectations, they’re then labeled as “too emotional,” “in denial,” or, worst of all, “weak.”

This leads to grievers feeling a sense of isolation, shame, and guilt, making an already difficult experience far, far worse.

Examples of disenfranchised grief

Here are a few examples of what’s called disenfranchised grief.

Losses that aren’t socially recognized: This includes the death of a non-marital partner, a pet, or a partner in a secret relationship, such as same-sex relationships that haven’t been disclosed, or extramarital relationships.

Losses that are stigmatized: Losing someone to suicide, addiction, or a socially stigmatized illness.

Invisible or gradual losses: The gradual loss of a loved one to dementia or a similar condition.

Compounded losses: When a loss occurs amidst other major life stressors, such as the death of a loved one during or after a divorce.

The loss of a sibling: In many cultures, the loss of a sibling is often overshadowed by the grief of the deceased’s partner or children. While the partner and the children of your sibling will be given the most sympathy, the fact is that at least one of, let’s say, a pair of siblings will have known the other all their life.

Addressing disenfranchised grief

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to processing grief.

Grief is an individual path; no two people will grieve in the same way, and neither will the same person experience grief in the same way during their next loss.

However, what is important is that we support those who are struggling.

As a counselor, I focus on five core elements to help clients navigate their pain:

Acknowledging grief: The first step is to recognize and validate a person’s grief, even if society doesn’t. Your loss is real, and so is your pain.

Seeking support: People should reach out to friends, family, or others who have experienced loss. It’s not about finding someone to lean on but rather it’s about learning from others who have walked the path previously.

Expressing grief: It’s important to find ways to express our emotions. I usually recommend journaling, drawing, playing music, or another creative outlet. By doing so, you’re actively creating new, positive memories associated with your lost loved one.

Self-care: Prioritize your physical and mental well-being. Eat well and exercise and give yourself the rest you need.

Creating personal rituals: Coming up with your own rituals can be powerful tools for processing grief. With my client mentioned above who lost his girlfriend, we created a ceremony that honored her love of hiking. I encouraged him to walk one of her favorite trails, bringing along something that belonged to her.

In a quiet place that felt right, he was asked to write a journal entry about what he was doing. The only rule was that he couldn’t use the English conditionals, should/would/could/ought to.

The reason is that when we think about a person, we create new memories of them. When we use conditional thinking, we tarnish their memory, so we stop at the crossroads of those thoughts and start again.

Below you’ll find a video from the aforementioned Dr. Kenneth J. Doka speaking about disenfranchised grief.

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