When it comes to love and relationships, everything is connected and can be traced back to our childhood.
I mean, literally, everything. The way we act, think, and behave in a romantic relationship, the way we treat our partner, our attachment style, how we choose to respond to a problem and so much more.
The person that influenced me more in my childhood was my father. My mother had to work a lot, so I only saw her after work, at late afternoon hours, and on Sundays. Only one of my grandmothers was alive, living in Russia, and I was an only child.
It was basically me and my father — which, wouldn’t be a problem if my father weren’t the most toxic person I know.
You’re Taught That Love Doesn’t Exist
Growing up, my father did everything in his power to convince me that love is a lie and that every single person in this world is out to get me.
He would tell me that I was naive to believe that someone who wasn’t my family would ever truly love me. He would give me endless monologues that always consisted of phrases like “falling in love makes you weak and stupid”, or “the kinder you are, the more people will take advantage of you”.
I guess that was his way of trying to shield me and protect me from the world. I can only imagine what kind of relationships he’d formed when he was young. He rarely talked about his past, and when he did, you could never be sure of whether he was sincere.
The only thing I knew for sure was that he had been married once and divorced — leaving two daughters behind. I guess divorce is always something that traumatized you big time, no matter how strong you (think) you are.
You’re Never Good Enough, No Matter What You Do
For me, my father’s most toxic trait was his criticism. He would criticize me about the most unimportant things. And he would always do it in the most awful way possible.
I still remember the day when I broke a glass (I think I was 10–11 years old), and he started shouting at me, telling me that I was stupid, absent-minded and that he was certain I would fail in life.
I mean..so what if your kid broke a stupid glass?
Whatever I’ve done, up until this day, has never been good enough for my father.
I was a great student. But for him, it wasn’t enough — I needed to be top of my class. I managed to reach the top, but who cares, cause suddenly grades are unimportant. I managed to get into a great college, but for him, it was a waste of time, since I wasn’t going to acquire a highly prestigious profession such as a doctor or lawyer.
I would spend countless hours studying? He would say that it was time I got a job and helped the family. I would get a job? Well, it was a shitty job because it didn’t pay well enough.
You Constantly Feel Bad About Your Mother
One of the worst things about growing up with a toxic father is the fact that everything they do, affects your mother — and consequently affects you, as well.
Most of the times my father would go rogue on me, my mother wasn’t home— she used to spend countless hours at work. And when she started realizing what had been going on, well, let’s say it was too late — I was already traumatized.
Not that there was anything she could have done, anyway. My father is an incredibly irritable man, and when he gets angry, there is nothing one could say to calm him down and stop the awful words coming out of his mouth.
And when he is calm, he’s too proud to admit that his behavior is pretty sick and cruel.
So, the only choice left, was for my mother to leave him. But that was something neither of us wanted. I preferred to be in a dysfunctional family than to go through a family-breakup. The same went for her.
That, of course, didn’t make it easier for me witnessing my father shout at my mother, name-calling her, or watching her getting super sad whenever my father and I got into a big fight.
You Feel Jealous of Other Kids
It was pretty clear to me from the beginning that my father’s behavior wasn’t normal, and most importantly, wasn’t healthy.
Whenever I saw any of my friends’ fathers being sweet and kind to them, I would get incredibly jealous.
Every time I watched a father hugging his daughter — mine isn’t a hugger — or praising her achievements, whenever my best friend told me she just had a heart to heart chat with her father, I would wonder what was so wrong with mine.
Why couldn’t he be more sweet, patient, and resilient? Why did I have to put up with this kind of parent?
You Don’t Know Who You Really Are
For many years I wasn’t sure of who I really was. I didn’t know what I truly liked, what I believed in, what I wanted from life, and what made me happy.
I fought a battle within, between what my father had taught me and what I actually wanted; what I was supposed to feel, according to him, and what I was actually feeling.
Did I honestly think that nobody could ever love me in the most real and authentic way? Did I really not believe in love? Was it wiser to pursue a career that offered me the most money — as he often advised me — or one that would give me a reason to get out of bed every day?
In other words, I had confused my father’s perception of the world with my own, and I was torn between what he told me was right/wrong, and what actually felt right/wrong to me.
But, Not Everything Is Black and White
If you’ve read so far, you probably think of my father as a mean person, an unloving father, and husband.
And yet, in life, not everything is black and white.
My father was born in the early ’50s, in a small greek village, where the consequences of WWII were still pretty much evident. He was raised in a big, poor family, and he was forced to fend for himself from a very young age.
His father had served in WWII and turned to alcohol in an attempt to forget the atrocities he had witnessed on the battlefields. I can only imagine how much he traumatized his kids, and therefore, my father.
At 15, he left his village and traveled to America, searching for a better life. There, he agreed to any work that could provide him with even the smallest amount of money.
When he saw things weren’t working out the way he expected to, he started traveling from country to country, constantly moving and working shitty jobs, all by himself.
His two best friends both died young — the first from cancer, and the other one from a stray bullet.
I’m not telling you all this stuff to justify his behavior, but to remind you that nobody is born mean or cruel. It’s life that fucks us all up. I guess what I’m trying to say is, the more traumatic experiences you go through in life, and the more you see life’s ugly side, the more difficult it becomes not to turn “ugly” yourself.
Then again, my father often showed me his good side, too.
He made sure I had everything I needed. Whenever I had a serious problem he would run to solve it. He would give every last of his pennies for me, even if he desperately needed the money. He would tuck me in every night, and remember every little thing I liked.
I guess he wasn’t completely awful at parenting. He was, however, a toxic person/parent and, unfortunately, toxic parents are never aware of their toxic behavior. They think they’re doing their best — and some of them really are, which makes this whole thing even more tragic than it is.
Final Thoughts
So, why am I writing this?
The truth is, I have always been ashamed of having been raised by a toxic parent. Up until recently, the thought of sharing this story would fill me with shame and anxiety.
I mean, revealing how traumatized I am by my father’s behavior? It felt too personal for me and, if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t want people to think I was “broken”.
But, sometimes, as I realized, the first step to healing is sharing your story with another human being. I know that writing this was somewhat cathartic for me. And, who knows? Maybe my story will help someone who had to put up with a similar toxic parent.
If you have grown up with a toxic parent, like me, know that you’re not alone. And that as difficult as healing from a toxic relationship might seem right now, it is possible.
In my opinion, it’s also important that you:
- Acknowledge that your parent(s) caused you pain. There’s no shame in admitting you grew up with a toxic parent — it’s not your fault.
- Realize your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well.
- Remember you are not your parent(s).
- Remember you’re not the things they called you when they were angry.
- Accept you can’t change or “rescue” your parent(s).
- Accept that your parent(s) are flawed humans, just like you.
- Focus on yourself and what you can change.
We might not be able to heal our parents, but we can heal ourselves.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Motoki Tonn on Unsplash