Rejection is a part of life and love. But the latter is always worse.
The dread of being rejected from a job is incomparable to receiving a personal rejection in your love life.
That person is not just rejecting you, but they’re rejecting the person you are; they decided their lives would not be better with you in it. They decided their career is more important than love right now.
This is allowed. It’s an understandable thought process to follow, logical even. However, once emotion is added to the equation, that equation is left with only one letter: y
It happens all the time when applying to jobs. Your eyes light up when you see the professional-looking email sitting in your inbox. You open it, your heart ready for both elation and total deflation. Your eyes scan the opening sentence, looking for key words or phrases, such as, ‘Congratulations!’ or ‘We regret to inform you’. This will either give you the confidence to believe your career is on the ‘up and up’ or fill you with the dread of thinking you’ll never get anywhere.
But this is a different type of rejection, they didn’t know you, you can understand that you didn’t meet their requirements. But what of your love life? Why didn’t you meet the requirements?
It’s difficult when all you can think about is that ‘he didn’t want me’.
Some people can take rejection as easily as ducks, it’s like water, it just slides off their backs.
Others can internalise the refusal to delve into a relationship as a comment on their being as a whole. An assessment of their value as a human being. The result being: they are not good enough to mate with. Their feathers are not bright enough to hold the attraction of the other person. Their mating song so inharmonious that it falls on deaf ears.
They have failed at the basic, most natural and primal ritual of their species.
What does that mean for them now?
A lion who fights and conquers another lion in order to mate with the lioness, can go on to kill the cubs in order to wipe the slate clean and start afresh.
But what of the lioness, who’s mating call was rejected? When her scent-marking no longer turned the heads of other lions? What happens to her? Her pheromones were once engaged with another’s, and now, she no longer wants other lions. How does she wipe the slate clean?
As humans, we can rationalise that the person did not have all the desirable qualities of a mate, but rejection is rejection and sometimes this de-values you. Strips you of your confidence. Your core. Your thoughts that once you finally like someone, who returns the same feelings, there would be no reason or rhyme why this wouldn’t work.
Instead you’re left with, ‘Is there something wrong with me?’; ‘Why wasn’t I good enough?’; ‘He probably didn’t like me anyway’.
And none of that is true.
Rationality allows for 20/20 vision.
Here are some of the things you do know:
- It wasn’t you
Just like with friends and co-workers, if someone doesn’t like you, or doesn’t want to speak to you, you know it has more to do with them than it does with you.
- You are good enough
Why should you question your worth when you knew there were some things you didn’t like about that person; the things that you ignored. Wait for the one who actually sees your worth and treats you like you should be treated.
- He definitely liked you
That should give you confidence, that it was never about you, if he showed interest in you, he liked you, he just couldn’t give you what you needed. You’d rather him be out of your life than be in it half-heartedly, because you deserve more than that.
- You should focus on healing yourself and attending to your insecurities, that way you don’t trauma bond with the next guy like you probably did with this one.
There is no reason someone wouldn’t be interested in you, just because this person didn’t work out. There is no actual way for them to smell the previous person’s pheromones and be put off. But something that they might be able to smell on you is your self-doubt, low confidence, and insecurities.
However, this is definitely something that can be worked on. Be a friend to yourself and treat yourself kinder, do things that you would tell your friend to do.
Healthier habits are definitely a way to a healthier mind and a healthier life.
Some things you can incorporate into your life:
- Start eating cleaner
You don’t have to go green, but an apple a day is definitely a good start along with some herbal tea, (I like white tea, right now).
You are worth the world, you shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t meet your entry requirements, so your expectations filter people out quickly — that’s a good thing. You are strong, you are brave and you are the prize.
•Start a project
Whether that’s a new Instagram or Twitter account, a new topic on Medium that you write about to cleanse your feelings, or knitting and reading. This project can help you reach your goals.
•Start learning new things
Being in lockdown was the most perfect excuse to learn new things while the whole world had essentially stopped. You could start a free course, creative, academic, it’s all helpful and useful to your being. edX is a great website for this. From business to developing leadership skills.
The MeetUp App is also great for engaging with others in whatever community interests you the most, this spans from poetry readings online or lectures on philosophy, or even circles where people speak about their feelings.
•Make time to speak to friends and family
This could either about how you’re feeling, or about life in general. Keeping yourself isolated and isolating your feelings inside a box is never the way. You’re not a burden, sharing the way you feel with people who care about you, can help bring new perspectives.
Remember, because you have faced rejection, doesn’t mean you should reject and neglect yourself.
Human beings are fickle and the things that really matter don’t hold the attention of people who can’t afford them. The diamond is made under intense pressure and is usually found in the dirt.
They’re usually picked up, and polished, and hopefully treasured by the person who really deserves them.
This post was previously published on Medium.
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