The Tea on Dating Down

Don’t date out of your league and don’t date down.

I’ve got multiple reasons why — — and if you think you have to settle for overall attractiveness, I would suggest running away.

There are countless stories I can share where dating down for looks, survival, or because of a lack of time in life that doesn’t exist — — it’s a mindset that hurts women the most.

…

We go way back

Let’s go back to the time of when my naniji (grandmother) was single.

She came from a very wealthy army family, where her father was renowned and established. Her mother died very early on in life, and then her father remarried — so she never knew who she was.

Later on, my nanaji was introduced to her by his mentor and father figure in life. However, he came from very less means and a very heavy scarcity mindset.

Since she saw wealth, she was always comfortable with money — — however, she never liked my nanaji’s approach to money.

His scarcity patterns translated to people pleasing, and that destroyed many prospects for his children.

One of her biggest regrets in life was dating down, in terms of equal wealth. If she had more autonomy, and women to guide her, her decisions would have led to a more stable life. She died with many truths inside of her, and often waited for someone to understand her pain.

In fact, many relatives used to criticize her fashion or expression, and despite my nanaji heavily defending her, the jealousy that used to pervade among family was non-stop. This goes to show how society unconsciously truly values certain things like beauty and wealth.

…

What let her down.

This translated to how my mother thought about certain things, when she was single.

They often had this idea that there was limited time, a fate that was hindered, and many other ideas that never made sense.

Now today, she regrets her choices the most.

She dated down for looks and attractiveness, attracting someone without the mindset and values she truly wanted. The main goal was to settle in the U.S, because somehow she never felt aligned in the motherland.

Today, she meets many men through family friends — — and in the end they’re all wondering why my father is out of her league.

The looks aren’t compatible, the mindset is far from compatible, and he’s always afraid of how social she is.

These men all secretively wish they had someone like her in their time — — if they had the autonomy and say in the process. After living on their own in the U.S and going through life, their maturity peaks when it comes to survival. Otherwise, I’m not sure if they had the same mindset when all the rishtas came around. It’s evident they weren’t allowed to be evolved, let alone evolve.

…

Present day.

I’ve grown immensely in the last seven years of my life, to where I probably haven’t grieved the younger version of me. The younger version needed a say and power in her voice at the time. She regrets not having the support she needed.

While dating, I often noticed that sacrificing attractiveness and appeal of the opposite gender is the worst thing that one can do. There should be a slight appeal, there’s no reason to sacrifice it entirely. The part of the appeal, that I often see lacking generically, is their mindset with money and life.

I’ve noticed the guys who have less than what society demands — whether it’s height, income, or status — — often project a sense of authority while dating. It makes sense, however, I don’t see them investing long term in their partners — — their macho sense of earning money and paying for the date doesn’t scream “you’re a gentleman.”

For women, beauty is currency. We can access places others cannot, or they have to strive harder to achieve.

Let’s just say certain men will take it for granted if they have an attractive partner that looks good with them in society. After all, the patriarchy constructs this as a power-status game whenever you walk outside.

…

If you love my emotional intelligence and want more articles about the South Asian diaspora, consider buying me a coffee. Your support goes a long way to help me pay off my student loans, pursue espresso beans, and donate to friends in need.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

***

Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.

All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.

A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.