You’ve heard of the first shift (your 9–5, for those who’ve miraculously escaped the rat race) and the second shift (hello, domestic bliss or chaos — take your pick).
But the third shift? Oh, it’s a doozy. It’s invisible, unrelenting, and, let’s say, its timekeeping is more rigid than a metronome in a marching band.
Who’s the main act? Well, according to the latest research in the gender heaven, Iceland, it turns out it’s primarily women — ta-ta!
And the venue? In the cosy yet somehow chaotic confines of our homes in Iceland, where the northern lights dance, 100% gender equality crawls at the speed of a glacier in no particular hurry.
Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone who refuses to tick a gender box, let’s talk about the mental gymnastics women perform after hours.
It’s about remembering Aunt June’s birthday (and that she hates carnations), scheduling little Joe’s dentist appointment (because who else would?), and knowing precisely where the heck the warranty for the dishwasher is filed (hint: not in the “to be sorted” pile).
This third shift is an unspoken, unpaid, and frankly, unappreciated circus act that absorbs energy, joy and focus.
What if the core root of the problem isn’t the man to blame?
Now, before we cast men as the villains — after all, they’re just co-stars in this gendered sitcom — let’s ponder a bit. It’s too easy to point at our bearded (or not) counterparts and cry foul. It’s like blaming the iceberg for the Titanic debacle — sure, it played a part, but what about the folks steering the ship?
Women, all 50% of humanity, are not by nature designed to do these tasks. However, they follow a script our ancestors wrote, i.e. peer pressure from dead people!
My question is: Women, why are we accepting the script?
Why don’t we write our resignation letter to this ghostly third-shift manager?
What’s stopping us? What’s stopping you?
Could it be that we’re shadow-boxing with stereotypes, duking it out with a social construct that floats around us like an ethereal, judgmental fog?
Could it be that we’re haunted by the spectre of ‘The Perfect Woman’, whispering, “If you don’t do it, who will?” whenever we dare to sit down?
And what about our beloved counterparts, conditioned to believe they’ve done their bit after shifts one and two?
Men, why are you accepting the script?
Men are also bound by the scripts of their gender roles, taught to fix a leaking faucet but not to remember which brand of non-dairy milk their lactose-intolerant toddler can stomach.
This is about more than who does what and who remembers which. It’s a sly diversion, a magic trick, where we’re all so focused on our socially conditioned scripts that we forget to ask if this is the life we genuinely want.
The changes of changing our habits by nagging and grinning our teeth!
We’re either smiling through the grind or nagging through the nuisance and what does it get us? Certainly not to the heights of self-actualization.
Even in the land of fire and ice, heaven to gender equality, we might be a bit frosty when thawing old traditions.
But why not light a torch and melt away these icy confines?
If we step out of the third shift’s shadow and stop performing, we might find the freedom to craft a life that’s less about gendered expectations and more about personal relations.
Enter the New Rules of Leadership, Beyond Gender — the illuminating beacon from my upcoming book that casts a revealing spotlight on these unconscious behaviours, habits, and traditions. It is a tome that guides readers, regardless of gender, through the murky waters of societal expectations into the clear blue of a future reimagined.
In this future, leadership is unshackled from gendered narratives. Men and women, and all identities betwixt and between, are summoned to join forces, redefining the roles that have long since needed a script rewrite.
Writing this book has been a transformative journey for me, discovering all the hidden ‘shoulds and don’ts created by our society around our gender. This book doesn’t just highlight the inequity but provides a roadmap for a journey toward equitable partnership at home and beyond.
It’s time we collectively resign from the haunting grip of the third shift and reconceptualize what it means to lead in our lives and households. The New Rules of Leadership, Beyond Gender, implores us to look beyond the binary and embrace a future where the mental load is not a burden borne out of tradition but a shared responsibility, handled with consciousness and intention.
So, let’s question not just the distribution of the mental load but the existence of it.
Are we, as the owners of our household, ready to break the chains of the ghostly taskmaster and create a new form of conversation to share what roles and commitments matter to us, or will we continue to let it haunt our halls, evermore, nagging and showcasing frustration, ensuring no one sleeps tight?
Until next time, keep those shifts in check, and remember, if you’re going to box anything — let it be those old, dusty habits, not yourselves.
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This post was previously published on Runa Magnusdottir’s blog.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStock
