“I love you.” Haven’t heard those words in, well, a very long time. Oh sure, I hear it daily in this adopted new-aged side of life where love reigns and we’re all acting like the universe is dispensing happy pills. Seems to be the cool thing to do these days. I get it and ride that train often.
Last time I said it, I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions that didn’t make sense, abandoned all logic, and challenged everything I previously learned of healthy enlightenment.
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But, “I love you”—the kind of I-love-you-bomb that leaves you speechless. The kind where your eyes meet and the words are spoken, forever changing the energy of the relationship, the kind where you end and the other person begins, commingled in this emotion soup of weirdness. You know the kind, it’s awkward and you both collapse in mutual agreement to the oxygen-filled ether that intoxicates before collapsing in unison to this new found love.
Then it gets awkward even more. What do you do next? What do these words mean and what’s expected of you now? The relationship has changed, evolving into something else entirely like the intoxication of the martini the night before, you awaken to the regret, grasping for liters of water and ready-made ibuprofen to numb the ache of your decision.
What now? Last time I said it, I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions that didn’t make sense, abandoned all logic, and challenged everything I previously learned of healthy enlightenment. Funny, after all the consumption of self-help books on love, after all the theories about codependency, self-care and enmeshment and, and, and … it all goes out the window around this woman.
So here I am, in this world once again in love and rapidly progressing through three distinct stages.
Stage 1: Excitement
The raw and unadulterated thrill-ride kinda joy. The kind that makes you feel like you’re understood and known for the first time in your life and now can live free. Like seeing the deepest blue colors of the warm Caribbean, I charged the waves and was fully consumed in this new experience. Everything was fun and new. We danced, we laughed, and we traveled. We were inseparable and life was good, very good. I read her poetry, I held her hand on long walks, I made her dinner and we were both completely caught in the moment. I moved her hair from her face to reveal her smile, an accepting smile that was always present. Ya, we were sticky in love.
“Is this real?” That was the question I mistakenly asked myself that catapulted me into the next stage.
Stage 2: Fear
I panicked and withdrew. She called me, I didn’t call back. She texted me, I gave a short reply. I did the bare minimum to keep her engaged, yet keep me safe—in my fear. Uncertain what I was actually scared of, maybe it was commitment or that my own illusions of freedom were going to disappear or that I was closing doors to other women, women that could be more suited for me. I ran the gamut of emotional questioning of why I felt the way I did yet was caught in a self-induced web of confliction from missing her. I missed her scent. If beauty had a fragrance, it was her. Like taking all the senses and blending them into one sensation, this woman terrified me as all my vulnerabilities were exposed.
Damn, you can finally admit you’re a guy in love; you talk about your feelings and proudly change your Facebook status, swearing off all others.
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Then, in the middle of the night, fraught with despair, I just surrendered. The fear of losing this love was worse than these insecurities so I took a deep breath, and gently moved to stage three.
Stage 3: Acceptance
I finally settled in. Damn, you can finally admit you’re a guy in love; you talk about your feelings and proudly change your Facebook status, swearing off all others. I became okay with my feelings, I accepted the ups and downs, learned how to communicate my thoughts and shared openly and together we regularly stepped into stage one, creating excitement for us both.
Looking back, I’ve learned my process wasn’t that unusual. I reached out to friends, I called my therapist, I hired a love coach and read books on tantric, even meditated and prayed, only to learn that guys, all guys go through these three crazy stages and none of us really know why. We only know that a “good” relationship is one where we find a woman that allows us to travel through the stages without going psycho on us, getting insecure and ending things before we have the opportunity to progress and reach acceptance.
My own insecurity of growth was worked out in my man cave of isolation, where I had time to sit, think and in the end, realize that love for me was about accepting feelings that were foreign to me and yet dreamed of. Being in love was reaching my paradise, no longer playing on the sidelines, arm-chair quarterbacking the right moves to my friends. I had emerged from fantasy, a place where rules and instruction took the backseat and I had to step up to the plate and actually get in the game, this game of love.
This love game, nobody really knows the rules we only know we want it.
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She looked at me, and my soul quaked, my heart skipped a beat and for the first time, I was truly seen, I was purely known and fully accepted. In a life of performance-based metrics, where winning and competition are the fuel to attain the good life, I was now in a game where all I had to do, was BE. It can be confusing, and I still often want to run in full regression back in stage two, but I’ve learned that being “in love” is mostly showing up, being known with all my perceived weaknesses, warts and character defects to receive that accepting smile from my partner.
I’m a guy in love. There, I said it. I don’t do this thing perfectly by any means, but I’m here and present for myself and for her. The stages have grown me and love is something I’m now able to step into, even give to others more freely. This love game, nobody really knows the rules we only know we want it.
As for me, well, I just love this woman.
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I wished other guys were brave and honest , they way were with yourself, and I wish girls were patient enough to see and experience something like this.
“We only know that a “good” relationship is one where we find a woman that allows us to travel through the stages without going psycho on us, getting insecure and ending things before we have the opportunity to progress and reach acceptance”
Wow the writer labels the actions of a woman ending a relationship that appears to have dwindled as ‘psycho’ and for what… not waiting around while the man resolves his insecurities while ignoring her. Don’t take relationship advice from this self centred crybaby jerk.
If he didn’t know what was happening to him how can a woman should know that is just a stage and wait, is very hurtful to be in stage 1 and then feel like their love just dissapear, you feel that you have to run away because you need to save your dignity, a Men should realize about the damage they cause and a woman should understand that it was not because he wanted to do it, I wish I had known about this before, but also I think if it was real love he will try again if is… Read more »
How long does a man need at the stage 2? And what should a woman do while he is in the stage 2?
So you withdraw, begin a slow fade or what in modern times is called “ghosting”…. engaging with the woman you ” love” just barely enough to keep her hanging around….but then if she dumps you because of this behavior she is psycho or insecure? I think that is really being unfair to the woman in these scenarios. When a person’s actions are telling you they have lost interest, I don’t see it as being psycho or insecure to pull the plug. More like, accepting what’s happening and moving on. I mean, how long are women supposed to wait for you… Read more »
Well.. how badly do you want him.. how deeply do you like him.. if true liking and deep trust is there, a girl would wait..
I did it.. and I am happy that I did it.. it was painful.. but we discussed about this situation and now he is relaxed and in stage 3.. 🙂
How long does you wait and what u discuss??
I agree.
Very illuminating and helpful; I wish I knew this before pushing away the boy I was very much in love with. I just find this part a bit judgmental given that women experience this too; and the fact that the writer himself didn’t understand stage #2. It would be a tall order not to expect a woman to go “psycho” given that we have our own insecurities/ baggage too: “We only know that a “good” relationship is one where we find a woman that allows us to travel through the stages without going psycho on us, getting insecure and ending… Read more »
I think there’s truth to the fact that if you guys are communicating (not just in words) and understanding one another and both in the right stages of life, you get a feeling when it’s worth being patient and listening and making it work, whatever that means for the 2 of you. It’s hard because it’s not something you can force anyone else to do. They have to decide it on their own. The only thing you can do is be the best you at that moment and hope that what you are is what they are looking for as… Read more »
Wow! As I read the post by Anon I almost cried. It is so sad that both sexes are so confused as to how to keep real love going. I by no means am an expert as I am going through a similar loss of love.What I do know though is that you have to be yourself at any and all costs, because in the end even if you lose that person who is supposed to “love” you, at least you won’t lose yourself !
I have loved many times and each time it gets better and more amazing. I’ve experienced love of women, men, God, friends, hobbies, careers and pets. All are amzaing. I do not buy the idea that humans are to find one and only love because that wasn’t my experience. Love is all around. Some of my human lovers have left and departed into another direction. I’m happy for them as they fulfull other aspects of their human needs. Another lover passed away, and I am still loving others. The glorification on a single lover in your expected 90 years of… Read more »
@Marie.
That reply was as good as a read as, Robin’s article!
Sounds sort of like a grieving process.
I’d like to affirm them with personal anecdote, but I just sort of jumped off that bridge; did a triple reverse somersault. Knew there would be a soft landing.
Interesting concept though.
I’m giving up on love as I read this article. Falling in love as a man is hard. Love tears down that facade people expect from you, included your loved one. You open up and put ego behind. You show her your dasrkest secrets and fears, as well as your biggest dreams. Give them a key to you, and still feel safe. Rest of the men keep their facade up, and one day your love asks you: “can you be more like a bad boy?”, and all left to do is laugh. I could, but i didn’t think I had… Read more »
I know what you mean exactly. It’s a tightrope of being aggressive and taking the lead or sitting back and allowing her to see your understanding, loving nature. But then, at what point in a relationship do we realise we’ve been chasing someone just for the chase and if we’re brutally honest about it, our dick has done most of the thinking. Just be that honest, creative, thoughtful guy from the beginning and refuse at all costs to let ego or sex deprive you of doing the morally right thing. Sometimes their childish behaviour is often brought about through confusion… Read more »
Process instead of prices in my post. Thanks
Thanks for speaking your heart, it is helping me so much to accept this sticky and blissful prices of falling in love. As a woman, reading this helps me to cultivate more compassion for my man as our journey unfolds and deepens, as well as compassion for myself as I bump up against the fear edges that lead me to grow.
Thanks!